Happy Easter everyone. I hope you all have a lovely day whatever you are doing.

I’ve had a busy couple of days with the children and my in-laws and as my husband is currently taking the children back to their mum’s, I am sitting at my dressing table/desk with a cup of hot water and lemon taking a bit of time to unwind and relax.

It has been lovely though. I’ve been very much in my adult and playing the domestic wife/mother figure. I enjoyed cooking a big roast dinner for the 7 of us yesterday and it seemed to go down really well. I was so pleased as it is the first time I have cooked a roast dinner for that many people.  The meat was yummy and the potatoes spot on – yay!! Everyone enjoyed the trifle that me and my husband made together, in fact some people went in for seconds and thirds so it must have been good hah.  An hour or so later we went for a walk through a country park near us. It was a beautiful day, it was sunny and warm, the sky was bright blue and clear.  The fields were covered in dandelions and daisies and the 7 of us played with a couple of frisbees which is something I’ve never done.  It was fun!

In the evening we all slumped on the sofas and drank tea. I made sandwiches for everyone about 8pm and then we just watched tele until bedtime.  This morning I woke early and decided to drive to the shop for supplies and made everyone a rather naughty breakfast.

Basically I’ve spent the last 2 days cooking and feeding everyone and cleaning. LOTS and lots of cleaning.  Possibly too much cleaning but hey….

I wish that I had happy memories of Easter as a child but I don’t… although I do remember my Nan always buying me a small gift and giving me a little box of cream eggs and a little chick.  It was that memory that inspired me to buy some little chicks which I decorated the table with yesterday “for the kids” – lol.  But on the whole, I do not have any memories of Easter being a “thing”. I certainly never had an Easter-egg hunt or anything like that and other than being with my Nan, my mother never did a nice family dinner. I don’t even recall her buying me an Easter egg though I guess she probably must have done.

I find myself at occasions like this, Easter, Christmas etc, doing all of the things that I would have liked to have had done for me.  I guess in a way that is a bit selfish but it isn’t being done in that way.  I guess I’m doing it as much for the child in me as for the children that I love. Wanting to do these more “normal” family things.

It’s weird for me and yet it is so normal for them – my husband, his children and his parents.  For them there is nothing remotely special about having a roast dinner, hiding eggs in the garden or throwing a frisbee around a field and yet for me, it is SO different. It’s another example of something that is as healing as it is painful.  It is good for my soul in so many ways and yet makes it more obvious what I needed and wanted but didn’t get back then.  I do it as an adult and I get enjoyment from that in lots of ways but I suppose secretly, deep down, I still would rather be the child on the receiving end of it rather than the adult doing it all.  I am not resentful though… does that make sense?

I don’t really understand how a mother can have children and not enjoy them.  I don’t really understand how these “normal” things like Easter and Sunday dinners, Easter egg hunts, Christmas and birthday mornings.. Pancake day.. camping trips, making cakes, going for walks etc don’t come naturally to a mother when they are caring for a child/for children.  Or more to the point, I can’t understand why it didn’t to my mother when I was her young child.

I sit back and realise what I have typed above and it makes me sound so bitter and resentful and still so caught up in the past and I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to spend forever comparing things like this but it is still a bit sore. One day I hope this will no longer be the case.

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