Buying an old childhood house/the money

Last night I had a dream that I took my sister to see one of our old houses.  We stood outside the house, facing it and she told me that she didn’t recognise or remember it at all.  I couldn’t believe it.  I started to describe the layout of the rooms to her but she just didn’t remember living there at all and I was so surprised.

In the dream I wanted to/was going to buy that old house of ours back and live in it as an adult – now.  I can’t be sure now but I think my sister was still quite young in the dream, not a child but clearly younger because I think she was going to be living there with me.. (I think).

I woke up from this dream this morning and was pretty confused. Why on earth was I dreaming about that particular house.. AGAIN.  Last night’s dream has to be the third or fourth time I’ve dreamt about that house and I haven’t lived there for about 15 years! I moved a lot as a child and am not exaggerating by saying I have lived in about 25 houses, possibly more, so I wonder why I keep dreaming about that particular house.

I Googled what it means to dream about a house you’ve lived in previously and it asks questions such as “what does that house mean to you?” and “think of the house as yourself, what does the house symbolise or represent to you?”.  Well, let me tell you one thing: the house does NOT hold good memories for me.

  • First of all that is the house that I was groomed and sexually abused in.  That is probably the most obvious of the things I associate with that house but also as I didn’t tell my mother, the house I felt terrified and kept the biggest secret of my life in.  To date probably the most scared I have ever been.
  • It is the house that I witnessed my mother being beaten up by one of her fiancé’s in.
  • Whilst I lived there I used to have to babysit for my sister nearly every single night after school whilst my friends went out and had fun.
  • I ran away from home when we lived there.
  • I had to act like an adult the whole time we lived there as I had so many responsibilities.  I had to look after my younger sister, cooking and cleaning for her, bathing her etc, but I also had to look after my mother when she was dumped or when she was physically hurt.
  • I also lived in that house when I lost my virginity to the boy who then told my mother he actually loved her……… GAH!
  • Whilst I lived in that house my mother would spend nights and weekends away with various boyfriends and I would be left alone.  I used to have house parties/gatherings and invite all my friends over so I wasn’t alone.  I even spent a Christmas Day evening alone in that house at 15 whilst my mother went to see a guy.

I guess considering the above that my time at the house is a pretty decent representation of the chaos and dysfunction that was my life, that was my childhood/teen-hood.  So why on earth would I be dreaming of wanting to buy it and move back into it?

Is it about wanting to live there without those things happening? About kind of painting over the bad things and trying to live there with happy memories?  WHY would I want to go and live in a house that was such a reminder of so many painful things?

If a present day situation is triggering some unfinished emotions from my time in that house, that could make sense, but again why would I want to go and buy it and live in it?

If the house IS me in the dream, then what am I?  A very sad, pained, scared, lonely teenager. Is that how I am feeling now?

I can kind of understand why my sister was in the dream and also why her inability to remember living there shocked me so much.  Me and my sister have a different experience of our childhood.  Both of us remember missing some fundamental things from our mother, both of us remember some dramatic things happening and both of us remember moving house and school often and feeling scared of certain men BUT she doesn’t remember some of the things I do and she didn’t experience some of the things I did.  Firstly she is 7 years younger than me, so for 7 years that I was neglected and alone, she was not born.  Secondly, she was very young when her father hit my mother and when my mother had an affair behind his back that I used to have to see.  She was also very young when we moved a lot of the time and she used to stay with her dad a night or two in the week and at weekends.  Not to brag, but she also had me looking after her and I didn’t get that from anyone.  She didn’t experience sexual abuse (that we know of) and she didn’t experience the same mother that I did.  She had it worse in some ways, she was the scapegoated child and I became (at about 17) the golden child.  Our memories of things are different.  Our experiences were different.  So her not remembering living in that house kind of makes sense.

It’s no surprise that I am dreaming about childhood related things after what happened on Friday I suppose and I’ll be honest and say that I felt sad all day Friday at work and then I felt the sadness creep back in yesterday late afternoon/evening and I have spent all of today feeling miserable.  I feel kind shitty you know like when you feel angry but you know it’s actually that you need to have a huge cry and let all the boo-hoo’s out?

I feel like potentially the meaning of this dream is really obvious but I just can’t see it.

Is it tied into this money somehow?

Her sending me that money Friday afternoon really threw me.  As always, I didn’t see it coming.  I spent hours debating what I should do and hours feeling sick and anxious about it.  It is still playing on my mind now but I feel I said the right things in my messages to her.  For anyone that missed my post about this, Friday afternoon about 4.30pm my mother text me and my sister to say she was about to pay some money into both of our accounts.  She did, she sent £1,000!! Just for nothing, just out of the blue.  I didn’t know what to do about it because we haven’t spoken for 2 weeks since she invited me and my husband over and I said no.  I have such little contact with her these days that her sending me such a large amount of money felt very uncomfortable and from everything I have read and learnt about narcissists, money is used as a really powerful manipulation/control tactic.  So much went through my head about why she was sending it and what I should do.  I tried to give it back but she sent me a message which told me she wasn’t trying to buy me, that the money had no strings attached, that there was no ulterior motive.. (weird things for her to say right?).  I told her I didn’t want to be seen as shallow or a money-grabber and said that last time she gave me money she told people that she resented me for not returning it when we fell out and people thought badly of me and I did not want a repeat of that.  Anyway, long story short I ended up keeping the money but it feels…. loaded I guess.  Despite what she has said and it is playing on my mind.

Anyway I have to go now, I might try to write later if I get time.  Any insights you guys have about any of this would be really welcomed and appreciated!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 thoughts on “Buying an old childhood house/the money

  1. Oh my… I can relate to so much of this post. Including the fact that I am 7 years older than my twin sisters — I was a lonely only child until they were born. And they don’t remember the worst traumas and abuses at all. Lucky them.

    Last year, I googled the addresses of the two houses from my childhood where the worst traumas happened. I found that they had both recently been sold. One of the houses had more than 20 pictures online, the other had 30. As I clicked through the pictures, I kept remembering: this trauma happened in this room, this trauma happened in that room. It was painful to see, yet healing somehow.

    Perhaps your dream is an attempt to own and take control of your childhood traumas? To be the adult in control of the house, in order to better heal?

    I would guess that your mother’s money has a lot to do with the dream. No, she cannot buy you — in the dream, you were the one doing the buying. Not of a person, but of a place you want to heal.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow really?! That’s amazing.

      Jeez I bet looking at those houses must have been SOOOO triggering wasn’t it? I drove by one of mine (the one in my dream actually) and sat outside and it felt sooooo weird. I can’t imagine actually seeing photos, though having said that, the dream did that for me! Thanks brain 🤦‍♀️

      I really like what you’ve suggested here. I’ve been assuming it’s negative because I’ve felt so shit all day, but you could be right actually. I guess my therapy (5 years and counting) is doing exactly that isn’t it? Healing some of the stuff that went on in that house for example….. maybe it is about me owning it – accepting it perhaps?? Xx

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Weird, I dreamed about a house the night before and did a lot of googling. Mine wasn’t an old house of mine and it was haunted. There’s a lot going on in house dreams but my T says they represent the psyche, so basement the more repressed stuff etc. I think what it means to you is the most important. Sometimes it can take talking it through with T for me to suddenly think omg it’s really obvious now!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. We are so alike sometimes it’s freaky! I’ve dreamt about haunted houses before and googled them, that’s an interesting topic too isn’t it? Yeah I read that on google about the different rooms being different aspects of yourself – the main focus on this was the outside of the house and also the lounge (the lounge is where the sexual abuse happened once). Yeah I’m sure T will say something and I’ll be like oh yeah! Of course!! Until then though, I’m left all weirded out xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Dreams like this tend to haunt my waking hours until I can figure out the meaning. Dreams are so personal and only you will know if something rings true TT… wanted to share my thoughts though, based on what you have shared on your blog in the past… maybe your dream is showing that you are acknowledging what has happened in your past (specifically the horrors of that house) and are not hiding away (you literally showed the house – a part of your past inside you – to your sister). You are facing it head on and want her to do the same but as you say, she can’t recognise the house because she lived in a different “house”. You will obviously have to recall your feelings in the dream but perhaps you wanting to buy the house is a positive sign? Like you are prepared to take ownership of that part of you and not be held captive by it. I just had this imagery that you can’t be held hostage to something that you are in control or or in charge of. Almost like you were waiting to have the keys in your hand so you can decide whether to lock it up or open. Anyway, I hope you are able to find the answers you need x

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Omg me too, why is that? I’ve felt crap all day which admittedly may have been the case anyway, but the dream is in my mind constantly and that’s annoying.

      Ooohhhh wow your interpretation is so interesting. I’m so glad you shared with me!

      I think you are right, I was “showing my sister the house and yet she lived in a different one” so to speak… that’s exactly how it felt… and that’s made me think, I was saying/thinking how my sister and my mother are “close” these days and when my mum sent the money my sister was falling all over her whereas I went into panic about it all…. I’ve often said in therapy it annoys me that she can’t see stuff clearly but I know I can’t make her and I know in real life she has different memories…

      I really like your thoughts, thank you. I felt like it had to be negative koz I’ve felt shit all day but you’re right: maybe it’s not negative at all. Maybe it is me taking control. I’m buying that house and determined to “own it” – own my memories and pain and heal it etc… thank you !! Xx

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Hope that crappy feeling eases soon 😦 and glad my musings were of help to your process. Dreams are so intriguing and it’s amazing how our minds work with symbols to relay an important message. HH and I are working with a dream/nightmare at the mo and I am gobsmacked by how talking the imagery out with a trusted other has helped me tease out the meaning (still a really scary dream and super awks time in therapy with all the transference). May I find the courage and strength to blog about that some time. Xx

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Wow that sounds TOUGH!!! If you do, please let me know as I would love to read it! I think dreams are amazing things, people often comment to say I shouldn’t look into them but in my experience they happen for a reason and they are so insightful! Xx

        Liked by 2 people

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