Thursday

My mother text me yesterday afternoon about 5pm. Coincidentally she text literally minutes after I had received some really fantastic news, it felt like she knew somehow (though she couldn’t possibly). That’s happened before, it’s like a siren goes off inside her head that in happy or something and she gets the need to remind me of her presence.

Her first message was worded slightly weirdly for her. She said in it that she was checking “I was well”. I know that’s a perfectly normal thing to ask, it’s just not her usual way of speaking.

I replied and matched her tone/words and said I “was well”, was she?

She made small talk and I replied to her small talk dragging it out as much as I could so that the reply at least filled some of the screen… I won’t lie it was hard to do. It was one of those conversations where it felt empty and pointless…. strained.

She said at the end of her second message “perhaps we could meet up soon as it’s been ages”. A slightly different tactic to normal, usually she was more…. forceful… usually its not a question, it’s “when are you free????”. This time I tried to avoid the question and kind of brushed it off by saying that we should arrange something soon and then said I was out this weekend and then have my best friend’s, brother’s, sister’s and husband’s birthdays in one week. She replied and said something along the lines of “keep happy and let me know when you’re less busy. Love you always”. Again, not her usual wording or style.

I didn’t really feel much about any of this. Maybe I should but I just don’t… as horrible as it may sound there’s a relief that she’s text and I’ve replied because her silence was starting to panic me. I’ve worked out I seem to see her and then get about 3/4 weeks before she asks to meet again. Then I seem to be able to put it off for a further two weeks before I cave and see her in order to “get her off my back” so to speak.

I said to T today that it is all so pointless. I told her I know that. I told her that I don’t hate her, I don’t absolutely not want to see her to the point it’s worrying me or making me feel stressed or sick or anything….. I just don’t WANT to see her either. T said that’s because now the illusion has gone, I can see there really is no connection there. I can see we have nothing in common. I can see it for what it is, and that’s empty. It really is empty. T said that’s why I feel the way I do, because there is nothing else to say and nothing else to feel. She said that’s why I find the text conversations so difficult, because I literally don’t have anything to say. We don’t know each other anymore… we never really did. She saw me for what she needed and I did the same. Now I’ve given up on her changing, now that I no longer seek her approval, now I no longer need her to tell me who I am and what to say and do… it’s just nothingness.

I thought to myself as I drove to T’s earlier what I would say to her if she asked me outright why I never want to see her. I played out a conversation in my head. T asked how that went and I said something like this…

Her: why don’t you ever want to see me?

Me: Mum, you must understand that when we fell out and didn’t speak for half a year, nothing ever got resolved in any way. I contacted you to invite you to our wedding so neither of us regretted it but things have not been the same since. I suppose I’ve got used to it and my life has changed a lot. I did mean the things I said that evening and as much as I want to leave it all in the past now, it doesn’t mean things can go back to the way they were before. Too much has changed, Ive changed.

That’s about it.

Equally logically I wouldn’t want to have that conversation because then it would start off a dialogue about how we should talk about it now then etc and I just don’t have any interest in that. It’s a shame I can’t just say “The illusion of you has gone now”. But you know… she would never understand that.

It’s funny, I never ever thought I would feel the way I do now about her (or about myself). I’m shocked I’ve been able to get through all the intense anger and shock and grief to this stage. I wonder if this is the way it will stay or whether there’s another stage after this?

I wonder often if I’ll be able to see her now and again enough to avoid any huge drama or whether something will happen and change that. I wonder if when (if) I have my own baby I’ll feel and see it all very differently – even in my dream team other week I did, becoming a mother in my dream made me insistent on staying away from her. Feeling that maternal love made me hate what she had done to me too much to be able to see her – it removed all guilt I suppose.

Only time will tell if that is what I will feel or not.

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