I have a therapy hangover today. At least I think I do, if not then I am just feeling really shit and miserable LOL.
Obviously I had therapy yesterday and then cried when I got home for an (at the time) unknown reason and then I had a very long and in-depth conversation with hubby last night about it all and think I figured out why I was feeling how I was. I felt better after our chat, much better but I appear to have woken up feeling horrible.
I’m not sure if I am feeling angry because I am desperately trying to fight against sadness or whether I am sad desperately trying to fight against anger. I just feel miserable but miserable in both sad and anger ha, does that make sense?
I feel fragile and delicate and I really want to be at home. I really want to be alone to be honest and I wish I was home in the warm, in comfy clothes. I struggled getting ready this morning as my jeans felt too restrictive (I HATE tight clothes at the best of times), my hair looked awful and I just felt horrible. I also woke up to my monthly and so that sucks and also indicates another failed attempt… with the added bonus that I was 3 days late yesterday so started to wonder…. Could this be the month? Well, apparently not.
I suppose it isn’t really surprising that I might feel this way today after the stuff I spoke and thought about yesterday. Perhaps this is the way Fridays are going to be now that I am going twice a week again? It is hard though, isn’t it? I feel drained of my energy and I feel like crying and I feel like shouting at the same time.
I think I’ve uncovered that I was denying the truth of my situation a bit and trying to convince myself that I had reached a place that I could see my mum now and again without being hugely triggered by her. I thought I had found a way that I didn’t have to take any drastic action and was thinking that I had “done” most of the hard part – most of the grieving etc. I am starting to think that maybe I was kidding myself. Maybe that isn’t the case after all.
I think it is the thought that actually there could be much more to come with regards to my mother and how things will end up. If I am absolutely and brutally honest with myself, the thought of truly there not being some way of making things somehow tolerable, kills me a bit. I don’t want to have to do that. I don’t want to have to feel that. I don’t want to spend months feeling my way through and processing this stuff again. I just want to find a way that is just… tolerable.
T and hubby both say that I haven’t quite got it, that I am not quite there based on the fact that I can and do still see her however infrequently and I can be there whilst she says and does these horrible things. That I am so unaffected by it. That I am so used to the way she behaves that it barely even registers. That is true. I can see that. They both say I wouldn’t put up with that from anyone else in my life – also true.
Hubby says he can’t understand why someone “as kind as” me would be able to sit around someone who says such nasty things about other people. I don’t know the answer to that. He says T is right and that I clearly do shut myself down to an extent and also that I am just used to it, like they say. I know I don’t enjoy it, I don’t benefit from it. So why do I go?
My answer is always for an easy life but part of me wonders is that even true? Is that why?
T says I don’t get it yet – I don’t quite get how abusive she is. Hubby agrees.
But me, what do I think? I am totally and utterly confused by the whole thing. Maybe the truth is simply that I can’t bear to deal with/feel the alternative. Cutting her off forever. Accepting that I can’t have my mother in my life in any limited capacity at all.
I think this new feeling of feeling sorry for her is easier to feel than accepting it is too horrible or too hard for me to see her.
Denial? Is that what this is?
T thinks when I have my own child I won’t be able to tolerate her anywhere near me/them/us. Maybe that’s true. It’s another loss to have to accept.
I feel sad and angry. Sad that this has to be true, has to happen, to be real and I feel angry – angry that it is unfair and angry that I don’t want to have to do any of it.
Why does it all have to be so hard?