The fear

T said to me tonight

“So what if she “kicks off”, what’s the worst that can happen?”

(Amongst a lot of other things)…

I feel so utterly pathetic that despite “knowing” that – I can’t properly believe it.

I know I’m not a child. I know she can’t hurt me. She can’t punish me….

Why do I still have this fear??

I’m a married 30 year old for Christ’s sake.

Lots of tears tonight. Feeling rather delicate and very tired now I’m home. Bed for me soon.

8 thoughts on “The fear

  1. Sending huge hugs and love. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you for having this fear. What’s ‘wrong’ is the way we were mothered. Their needs and feelings were inseparable from us. When I spoke to K about the engulfment stuff she said it’s not just that we mirrored them but that at the beginning there is no such thing as mother AND babe – they are one. This fear is so understandable to me – one of the reasons, among many, I can’t see my mum is that I was/am too scared of her still to assert myself repeatedly when she rides over my boundaries. Seeing her meant frequent requests and questions and it was too hard to rebut them each time because of this fear and guilt. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. It is possible to find the strength to assert yourself with her I’m sure but it will take time and practice if that’s what you choose to do . Sleep well 💕

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    1. Thank you CB for the hugs. Yeah I know you’re right, sometimes that’s easier to fully understand than others. I think when I’m deep in the feelings, I forget all of that stuff.

      I hadn’t realised that one of your reasons was finding it too hard to keep boundaries because of guilt and fear – you really do get how I feel then. I hate myself for it at the moment.

      I’m just struggling at the moment with the fact that she ignores the existence of my husband and my stepkids – they are my life, how can we have any form of relationship when she ignores all of those people? It just feels that there’s nothing left …. it’s pointless and empty. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think you’re right that it is pointless and empty and that is so sad, but it is what it is. I honestly am so much happier and feel safer not having my mum in my life at all, even though for now we still live in the same city and there is occasionally a worry over bumping into her (and obviously that crazy thing she did a few weeks that we messaged about!). But N and I were talking the other day about how in almost a year we’ve seen her driving once, seen her in Sainsbury’s and had to dump our basket and run once, and I’ve seen one of her friends and been given black looks once. IN A YEAR this is not much, and is 100000x better than all the shit I’d have had to deal with if we were in contact of some sort. Hang in there, this stuff is huge and it takes time to work out what is right for you (especially after 30 years of her needs coming first) xx

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  2. After 30 years of something being reinforced, it seems logical to think that it’s going to take some time to truly internalize alternative thoughts. You’ve got the alternate thoughts there already, and that’s great progress.

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  3. You spent your life treading carefully in case she kicked off because if she did, it would mean disapproval, withdrawal of love and all these things. Your mind and body have learned they need to prevent this at all costs. Even though you are stronger and wiser now, your brain will still try to protect you by causing you anxiety at the thought of her kicking off. It’s not a weakness of yours, it’s a PTSD type reaction.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a good way of looking at it actually and exactly what I needed to hear today so thank you so much. I guess it is like a PTSD reaction, that explains the brain/feeling differences and the extreme panic and anxiety!

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  4. It really can be so terrifying to undergo separation anxiety. It truly does feel too much when we are regressed as we are in a child state and our brain is wired to react with all the chemicals. Its not your fault and you are not to blame for having to deal with never being validated and its takes a lot of times of doing it and feeling like you are gonna die then realising you wont to grow stronger. I really really feel for you.. don’t beat yourself up. Most important.

    Like

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