Anxiety over seeing her

Hey everyone,

I thought I would write a little something whilst I’m on the train to work this morning to set out my latest feelings regarding my mother post-wedding.

After he total disinterest at our wedding she pretty much vanished and I’ve already written about her passive aggressive blanking of my wedding photos on social media and her clearly purposeful “liking” and commenting of other people’s photos such as my sister and my step-brother’s girlfriend’s. Well last Tuesday she text me asking when “we” got to see the wedding photos…

I was shocked because 1) she’s only in two photos from the entire day and 2) she didn’t give two hoots about the day when she was actually there and now she wants to see photos?

I replied to say I wasn’t sure, which I wasn’t at the time.

The the next day, Thursday last week she text again (this was very weird after two weeks of nothing!) to say “fancy meeting up soon” – that was at the bottom of other nonsense but was clearly the point of the text. My heart fell because, well… no I don’t.

I replied to all her random shite and then said yeah sure just let me know when you’re about in an attempt to kind of park that bit but she responded immediately with a list of times and dates. Annoyingly we ended up agreeing on Friday night (this week).

Nothing was said about where we would go or whatever but I was already trying to plan something where I could drive so that I couldn’t drink. Drinking around her right now (well ever really) is a bad idea.

Anyway, fast-forward a few days and I begun having bad dreams and nightmares and by Friday night I dreamt that someone led me in the dark down some concrete steps and as I couldn’t see, I didn’t realise there was water at the bottom – like a lake or something and I was about to drown. The next night I had another strange dream…

I then woke up yesterday morning and I felt absolutely physically exhausted. There wasn’t any reason for feeling like that, I had 8 hours sleep but I felt as though I’d only had two. I took a day’s holiday from work and so did my hubby and we had a nice relaxing day. In the afternoon we spoke about my mum and I told him how it was making me anxious and nervous.

Hubby thinks it’s the stress making me physically feel so bad, I’m not so sure but I do feel a thousand times better since we spoke it out so maybe he’s right.

Anyway, hubby’s view (like most people’s) is that I should only do what I actually WANT to do. He can’t understand why I’m agreeing to see her at all, especially after the wedding. I just feel as though it’s the path of least resistance.

No I don’t want to see her. I hate it and I hate how it makes me feel before, during AND after but equally telling her that would cause a shit tonne of drama and I seriously don’t want that either. I agree to see her every now and again purely to keep the peace (kind of peace anyway…).

I don’t think it’s going to be long before she points out it’s only ever her asking to see me and only ever her texting me first…. I’m not sure what I’ll say when she says that to be honest. It’s true.

I’m anxious about how she will be and what she will say when I do see her. Will she dance around the wedding like it never happened? Will she make digs at my loved ones like my dad and stepmum? I just don’t know.

It’s hard predicting how she will behave when one moment she’s so blatantly disinterest and disapproving and the next is asking for photos!!

I’m trying hard to stay “grey-rock”… trying to not react to anything, not to show any frustration, anger or sadness… just not reacting whatsoever. Every time she goes on about photos I want to tell her that there’s plenty on Facebook but she already knows that and me pointing it out just tells her that I’ve noticed she’s ignoring them. So I stay shut.

I have been running conversations through my mind, what will I say to things. For example:

Her “Your dad looked old”

Me – “funny, he said the same about you”… hahha but no, I should probably say “well it’s been 30 years, I guess he would look older”.

Her “Your stepmum looked gaunt”

Me – “She’s done so well losing so much weight this year!”

Her “We weren’t in many photos”

Me “yeah we decided to have more on our own than with family”

Her “the bedrooms didn’t have air-con, we couldn’t sleep”

Me – “Oh that’s a shame! How annoying for you”.

Her – “We couldn’t stay for breakfast as had to get home for the dog”

Me – “Oh I know, that’s fine! We had plenty of people there for breakfast anyway”.

……

Can you see my thoughts are all over the place?

The other thing bothering me is that I will not see her husband ever again. Neither will my husband and I have no idea if she realises this. It’s her birthday next month and soon enough, possibly when I see her, she will mention it and she may invite us to a meal or whatever…. I will have to say no as we do not want to go.

How will I do that? What do I say?

“We won’t be able to make that I’m afraid but let me know when you’re free and me you and (sister) can do something”….

Or do I tell her the truth?

“Sorry but I’m not comfortable to see your husband so we won’t be coming. Let’s do something separately when you are free?”

Surely it’s going to start WW3? She won’t admit that he was an aggressive arsehole at my wedding. She won’t see all the ways he was rude and just look at how she reacted when she found out her husband wasn’t sitting at our top table! She went mad and removed herself… what will she do to this?

Then there’s Christmas ….

What are your plans this Christmas Day?”

Me: “We are spending it at my dad’s this year”

* wait for WW3 to erupt*

Boxing Day we have the kids….

I haven’t spent a Christmas Day with my dad since I was a child. She won’t expect that, but as we were no contact last year, I’m pretty sure she thinks I owe her. I also refused her Christmas presents when she wanted to give them to me in April.

I won’t be going to her house over Christmas – and she won’t be coming to mine (not that she’s ever been to mine!!).

All these things are in my head. They take up so much space and time. These constant thoughts are the cause of my disturbed sleep, my anxiety-producing dreams and possibly the fatigue I felt yesterday.

And yet this is the least dramatic path?! Ahh.

9 thoughts on “Anxiety over seeing her

  1. In a way you have to let WW3 happen. It’s the only way to keep seeing her whilst letting her know you won’t spend time with abusive people or be treated unfairly. She will blow up and get much worse but if you continue respond from a place self-assurance she will get the message. (Except mine discarded me at that point)…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s SUCH a good point!!!!!! Honestly you might think that was a really general statement but that’s really made sense to me!! I do need to let that happen don’t I?

      God I’m sorry your mum discarded you! That’s awful…. I think(?) is that easier or harder? Xx

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      1. Oh I told her last time she said “meet me. ALONE” that I wasn’t prepared to and she said “why will you not meet your MOTHER!!!!”. I told her that I don’t want to be around her alone and I’m trying to keep things as peaceful as possible. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I haven’t seen my mother since march. And in that time my migraines have completely gone away. The peace i feel in my body and mind isnt worth the pain and sickness i feel when i am around her. I want to say I admire you, but honestly I dont think all the anxiety is worth it. It will wear you down. Take good care of you and stop worrying so much about her.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know you’re so right. My 6 months of no contact I felt the same, until I moved back to my home town where she shops in the same places and then I was a nervous wreck!!

      I’m so pleased for you feeling better.

      My husband says I still care more about upsetting her than myself, I’m not sure it’s exactly that, but I certainly worry a lot!! Xx

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  3. I feel for you. That anxiety about WW3 breaking out if you tell her things that are on your mind, express your views which I may add you have every right to express, that anxiety around that must feel just awful! No wonder your having disturbed sleep and bad dreams! hugs! xo

    Liked by 1 person

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