Email exchange with T

So I broke down crying earlier this afternoon and decided to email T. This is what I said:

Dear T,

I hope you are having a nice break. I have put off sending this as I don’t want to disturb your break but it’s been tough as I need some steadying. 

I had a dream about you on Friday night and it affected my mood all day yesterday. I cried last night when I was finally on my own before bed and I’ve cried again this afternoon. I’ve also had a constant headache since Friday which is clearly related to my feelings. 

I’m not really sure what the main reason is, I was the same last Sunday afternoon. The dream stirred up some stuff but also I think I’m just processing the losses – which are so clear to me at the moment in the lead up to the wedding. 

It’s hard to explain this, but I keep thinking about how I used to hold my mother in my mind when she was away as “good” and loving and caring and warm – and then be so utterly disappointed and hurt when she came back and wasn’t any of those things. I think I’m worried that’s going to happen with you. I’m not sure why I feel that now after 4 years!

I’ve really *got* the reality of the enmeshment stuff lately, it’s now so clear that it’s total enmeshment or nothing. That’s painful to see and feel. 

In my dream I had to pick between seeing you longer, but you being distant, disinterested and cold OR seeing you for less time, but you being focussed and warm. It was a really painful choice. 

Anyway. I just needed to reach out because I feel so unsettled and anxious – I know you’re still there, but I’m feeling a bit up in the air with all of this. 

And her reply:

Dear Twink,

It feels the break has allowed you to access some painful memories and associated feelings and, perhaps, part of you is struggling to hold me as good, and having good feelings about you, in the absence. It’s hard to hold a safe middle ground when experiencing this and I hear it has been difficult to stay steady at times.

I am thinking about you and I ‘see and hear you. I am interested in you and want to hear how you are doing. We will talk some more on Tuesday.

In the meantime, I hope this helps a bit. 

Warm wishes

……………………………………………………………..,,,,,,,,,,

Okay so I know this is just me and where I am with this right now, but her reply was disappointing. It didn’t help AT ALL. The first thing I did was scan the email for length, it wasn’t as long as I would have liked it to be. Yet I read it to my fiancé who said it’s lovely. He says that the reason I’m disappointed is that, and I quote, “it doesn’t say “I love you””. Erm no. I don’t want it to say that. He says I do.

I don’t, honestly I don’t but yet, I think most people who read the above will probably think it was a great reply so why am I feeling like a petulant child who is sulking and what exactly did I want it to say?

I don’t know.

Anyway, there we go. That’s where we are for now.

7 thoughts on “Email exchange with T

  1. Could you perhaps not see it as the place you’re in at the moment rather than her not caring? Your pain is valid and T is also trying to validate that. It’s so difficult, but she can’t do therapy by email or cross the boundaries of the relationship. She will be able to be warmer and more empathetic in session. Yes I know boundaries suck. Do you still have the birthday card that she gave you to remind yourself that she does care? The fact she replies to your emails during breaks says a lot about her deep level of care for you. I know that you’re very confused and vulnerable at the moment, but Tuesday isn’t far away. x

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    1. Oh I see it clearly for it being my issue. I just hate it koz it leaves me feeling worse ! I do know she cares, cognitively at least and I know Tuesday isn’t far away…. but I feel so down and I have cried a lot so I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself now and my head hurts and I’m tired that’s all.

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      1. I think that it’s just a case of riding it out. 😬 Reaching out is a risk because in this kind of mood, any answer will probably not feel right. Those feelings are better out than in even if it feels stupid. You have a lot of confusing feelings and grief to process. x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Haha as usual twink we are in the same place! I am at the end of a 5 week break (combo of my travel & here). I had a session scheduled in the middle that I could have gone to, but I ddciddd it was too hard to go in after 2 weeks then sit for another 3 with the feelings, so I wrote a thoughtful email and. Ancelled. She wrote a perfectly fine, very short & completely appropriate reply back. I was devastated! My partner and friends thought I was being a bit crazy – the reply was friendly and kind. I pushed myself to ask what I had wanted from her and what I had expected, and yielded some deep answers about the deep, unfillable void left by my NM that no other person will ever fill. It was hard to accept but important to realize. Still, I wanted a bit mor validation from my T than I got, so there’s that. AnywY, not sure if this is helpful. I think sometimes I want her to say the thing that will make it feel easier or better, it she can’t, no one can. It’s ok that it hurts.

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  3. I agree with what behindasmile had to say in the sense that I wonder if you may feel differently about it when your mood begins to improve. Like you said, you know of her care but it’s just difficult to feel right now. That’s okay. You can care for yourself in the interim, even if that means sitting with the emotion and just letting it happen. I’m glad you were advocate for yourself, and that she did reply. Would have been awful if she didn’t. I hate that you’re in such a difficult place, I hope it begins to pass soon. xx

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