So I broke down crying earlier this afternoon and decided to email T. This is what I said:
I hope you are having a nice break. I have put off sending this as I don’t want to disturb your break but it’s been tough as I need some steadying.
I had a dream about you on Friday night and it affected my mood all day yesterday. I cried last night when I was finally on my own before bed and I’ve cried again this afternoon. I’ve also had a constant headache since Friday which is clearly related to my feelings.
I’m not really sure what the main reason is, I was the same last Sunday afternoon. The dream stirred up some stuff but also I think I’m just processing the losses – which are so clear to me at the moment in the lead up to the wedding.
It’s hard to explain this, but I keep thinking about how I used to hold my mother in my mind when she was away as “good” and loving and caring and warm – and then be so utterly disappointed and hurt when she came back and wasn’t any of those things. I think I’m worried that’s going to happen with you. I’m not sure why I feel that now after 4 years!
I’ve really *got* the reality of the enmeshment stuff lately, it’s now so clear that it’s total enmeshment or nothing. That’s painful to see and feel.
In my dream I had to pick between seeing you longer, but you being distant, disinterested and cold OR seeing you for less time, but you being focussed and warm. It was a really painful choice.
Anyway. I just needed to reach out because I feel so unsettled and anxious – I know you’re still there, but I’m feeling a bit up in the air with all of this.
And her reply:
It feels the break has allowed you to access some painful memories and associated feelings and, perhaps, part of you is struggling to hold me as good, and having good feelings about you, in the absence. It’s hard to hold a safe middle ground when experiencing this and I hear it has been difficult to stay steady at times.
I am thinking about you and I ‘see and hear you. I am interested in you and want to hear how you are doing. We will talk some more on Tuesday.
In the meantime, I hope this helps a bit.
Okay so I know this is just me and where I am with this right now, but her reply was disappointing. It didn’t help AT ALL. The first thing I did was scan the email for length, it wasn’t as long as I would have liked it to be. Yet I read it to my fiancé who said it’s lovely. He says that the reason I’m disappointed is that, and I quote, “it doesn’t say “I love you””. Erm no. I don’t want it to say that. He says I do.
I don’t, honestly I don’t but yet, I think most people who read the above will probably think it was a great reply so why am I feeling like a petulant child who is sulking and what exactly did I want it to say?
I don’t know.
Anyway, there we go. That’s where we are for now.