It will fizzle out

So as I’ve already said numerous times recently it was my final wedding dress fitting yesterday and I went on my own.

I drove myself there which I enjoyed and the fitting went well and I popped into another shop then drove home all by 10.30. We had the kids as usual and so the rest of our day was very busy but last night, I looked on Facebook and saw that my mum had tagged herself in at a pub garden with a load of people, one of which is this girl in her early twenties who is her latest thing… I say thing because I don’t even know what to call it?

I’ve said before that over the years, my mum has befriended girls my age or younger and then they become best mates. It’s a real bug bare of mine, I won’t lie.

So anyway I saw this Facebook check in and I felt angry/jealous/pissed off…

I mentioned it to my fiancé and said it had really got to me. She was too busy to come to my final dress fitting… she didn’t come to the last one (because she would come to this one!) and yet there she is at the pub with this girl (and others) so clearly she’s not that bloody busy.

We spoke about this for a while, my fiancé was visibly angry on my behalf – it doesn’t help that he absolutely HATES my mum and so when I’ve been annoyed or upset by her I guess he’s already steaming. I could feel such a well of sadness in me as I spoke to him that I somehow kept in.

He said he truly believes that the reason she didn’t come to my dress fitting is seriously just that she doesn’t get anything from it. She can’t be bothered. He said that he really believes that her mind doesn’t work like our’s does – that she just thinks if she doesn’t get total adoration or thanks or get to put on a show, that she simply cannot be bothered and it’s that simple. I told him I just find it so hard to properly get that – like it is just incomprehensible to me.

I said most mothers would want to be there wouldn’t they? Most mothers wouldn’t miss it for he world and I questioned why, when she was crying so much at my hen, why doesn’t she want to do everything she can to be part of my life, part of my wedding… just part of me? He said again, she knows I won’t be falling all over her saying how funny, pretty etc etc she is and so why bother?

I said this is why I felt so stupid sometimes. I see her crying at my hen, it sends me spiralling with sadness, guilt, compassion… I feel so sorry for her that as a product of her own making, she’s pushed me away …. and then this. The not coming – the Facebook posts. I questioned whether she has any concern for my feelings? I guess no. She didn’t even take a second out of her day to “like” my Facebook status about being excited for my dress fitting…. nothing (or photos of my eldest stepson’s prom which was on Friday)…. I know this sounds childish and petty but it does hurt. Why can’t she like a bloody status or some photos? Just something? But no.

My fiancé said her tears and sadness at my hen were that she’s losing her supply – not me. Not me as a person, not me as her daughter, just that her supply had ran out. He told me she now has this new twenty year old who thinks she’s great and so of course she’s down the pub with her and NOT at my dress fitting. She couldn’t care less because SHE doesn’t get anything out of it.

Jeez that’s a tough thing to accept. It’s so bloody cold isn’t it? Again, it’s hard to truly believe because it’s hard to think like that.

I look at the hard facts, she hasn’t actually text me just to say hello or ask how I am… she hasn’t asked how my dress fitting went, she’s not sitting at the top table…. there’s a blatant show of not actually giving two shits and yet I chose to cling to her tears.. I feel like such a fool.

Anyway, me and my fiancé went out for the day today to some beautiful gardens. We stopped to eat a picnic and as I was eating I was looking around and saw a woman with what looked like her mother. They were sat on a bench talking and looking at the flowers. I felt a knot in my stomach – that will never be me, and what’s more, it never has been. I thought to myself that I can’t imagine anything weirder than being there with my mum. It is just the strangest thought. It would be so uncomfortable. So weird!! I said this to my fiancé and he said it’s a very normal concept and I said I knew that, that’s why it’s so weird – that it’s weird (lol does that make sense?).

I then saw a young girl pushing a doll’s pram. She made me smile as when she was distracted by something else, she just let go of the pram and the doll and pram went flying haha…. innocent little girl. Anyway, I smiled but god it hurt inside. That little girl was so free and innocent and happy (so she looked) and she was spending a hot and sunny Sunday with her mum and her dolly. It just churned me up inside and I felt my mood change.

We stopped for a cup of tea an hour or so later and spoke about how we only have 25 days until we get married and I told my fiancé I am feeling extremely broody now. He said that was good as we are going to try for a baby again after the wedding. I told him I have never felt so broody, not even last time we tried (unsuccessfully for 18 months). I said to him I didn’t want to jinx it but… and he said he knew what I was going to say and not to say it. I smiled at him. What I wanted to say was, I hoped the time was better now, that I’ve worked on myself more and done much more work on my boundaries etc and was older and soon to be married – we both hope this time I fall.

My fiancé said last night that he thinks once our wedding is over that things will “fizzle out” between me and my mum. I said that my T said the same. I think I agree with that but it’s a strange thing to think isn’t it. As I said to my fiancé at the time, “how can things just “fizzle” our between mother and daughter?” He said that she won’t have any real reason to keep up appearances.

I think he’s right you know.. and that such a strange thought. I suppose looking back over the past few months we’ve been back in touch, nothings really progressed. She isn’t putting herself out more than she has before. She hasn’t ever apologised. She doesn’t ask about my fiancé (or even say his name), she doesn’t mention my stepdad to me (and I don’t to her), she’s not asked me to go to her house, I’ve not asked her to mine… there’s been no real progress made at all…

I had dreams last night which I can’t remember now but I know I was arguing with her husband in one of them. I know she was in them and I woke up with a headache.

My heart is hurting a bit right now, I really need a cry so I think once I’ve published this I might go and let myself do that. The tears are prickling at my eyes.

I want to hold a little beautiful, innocent baby made from love between me and my fiancé, I want that baby to feel so much love. I want that child to grow up feeling all the things I didn’t, I want them to have an actual childhood – one where I try and meet their needs consistently – making mistakes but learning from them and apologising from them when they happen – I just worry having a baby is going to be the biggest trigger imaginable.

I have tears now at how much I want to hold and soothe a little baby, it’s like I have oceans of love with nowhere to go… it’s like it’s all building up and it’s overflowing. How can anyone not feel that way about a baby they’ve created?