I’m both excited to write this post and nervous. I’m excited because I’m desperate to share with you this wonderful moment that I’ve had… and at the same time I’m nervous that I won’t be able to find the words to explain how important this moment feels to me. I want to do it justice.
I’m also aware it may sound a bit “airy-fairy” and “out there” but it’s my truth I suppose and so I’m going to do my best to explain it.
You’ll know if you read my post from Saturday night, that during the course of the weekend, it really sank in for me that I wasn’t and haven’t ever been my real self around my mother. That deeper, or perhaps more emotional, understanding felt important and significant and I spent a lot of time over the weekend thinking about how clear that is. As I said on Saturday, it’s another one of those moments in therapy when something really clicks on a deeper level. Something that you knew logically finally fully makes sense to you and you know life will never be the same now you know that particular thing.
It was good.
Then yesterday I went about my business, me and my fiancé went to the shops and then on the way home we popped in to see my sister’s new (and first) new pad with her boyfriend. She was casually telling us the details of the drama with my mother and cousin from the previous weekend and she said this sentence..
“And then mum just went “oh get me out of this room, I’m so f-ing bored of my daughter””.
My mouth fell open!!
She didn’t even seem particular upset by it considering. I was gobsmacked. Wow.
Anyway, we continued our visit and later I left to go home. I felt pretty happy. I enjoyed seeing my sister and I enjoyed seeing her living away from my mother and in her own home. I guess I felt quite content and comforted.
I decided to do some ironing (even though I hate it!) and as I was hanging something up, the plastic hanger snapped.
*flash of rage!!!*
I got a new hanger out the tub and….. SNAP!!
Oh my God! The anger! The hot, hot rage that went through my body! I threw the hanger across the room where it shattered into loads of pieces and I screamed “AAAGGGHH!!!!!”.
Wow. What was that?!
By now I felt very angry and agitated. I knew it wasn’t going to pass. Suddenly everything was shit and I was angry at the world. I kept hearing the words
“I’m bored of my daughter”
My god. (Note: as I’m typing this now my heart is beating really fast!!).
I went and had a shower and as the water hit my back, I cried.
I decided to get my notebook/journal out and write a bit to see if I could release anything. I started writing about how I’m therapy I’ve had 4 key moments of really understanding something and I was planning to write out my latest one. I kept randomly crying but they were angry tears rather than sad tears. I could feel the need to scream building inside me again.
What was going on?
I started to write this: (excuse the terrible handwriting!)
And then…. I decided that writing just wasn’t working. It wasn’t flowing how I wanted it to, it wasn’t helping me. It felt wrong because I was feeling angry, and that writing was trying to be useful or provide insight or hope or something. It felt …. kinda disingenuous.
So I just started to scribble. Here is what happened next. I hope you guys that read this are able to make some sense out of it. It may be that it’s only me it made sense to, it feels very personal, very raw, very, very important to me: I hope it makes sense to someone.
“WHO ARE YOU????” Is what she repeatedly screamed at me the night we had that huge argument which led to me going no contact.
“WHO ARE YOU?”
I took that to mean “what have you become” which, on the surface, is what she meant, I guess but now it feels like what she was really in touch with, what she was really FURIOUS about was actually that she couldn’t see me at all. I was confusing her. I was giving her one hell of a narcissistic injury. Who am I?
Not you, that’s who.
Who are you?
I’m me. At last I’m me! I’m me and not you! I’m my real self and not my false self.
The fear of annihilation is real. I’ve lived with it my entire life.
And all of a sudden in this moment it feels like something huge has happened… like a real awakening has taken place. A shift, a transformation? I don’t know the word.
It’s like my soul has just be rescued. I’ve been saved and brought back to life.
A piece of me has just been seen and understood and integrated for the first time.
Never to be killed off or banished again.
Here I am.