Protected: Another sighting

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TW: Shock

Every now and again I am hit with this wave of shock that I am no longer in contact with my mum. Right now that wave of shock has hit because I’ve just sat down on the train and my stepdad gets the same train so I’m on high alert looking out for him.

This morning I had a real urge to unblock my mum on WhatsApp and see if she’s attempted to make contact with me. I’ve had the urge since about Friday but haven’t checked partly because I’m scared of how shit I’ll feel if she hasn’t, and partly because I’m scared she has. Very confusing.

On the train this morning I decided to check. I fought against my inner voice saying that if she has contacted me it would start a whole load of feelings off and that T isn’t around to help me deal with them. I argued against that. I also note that my inner voice told me that my fiancé wouldn’t be very happy if I unblock her, see a message and get swept up into an emotional tornado … I argued against that too because I decided it’s my decision and my life and my mother after all.

But then I googled and it turns out if you unblock someone on WhatsApp, you don’t receive any messages that you may have been sent during the time they were blocked.

So that scuppered that plan.

As I ponder what to write next I’m thinking to myself, I wish I could be so angry with her that I wasn’t wanting her to make contact…. I am in touch (although trying to deny) a slight feeling of rejection I suppose.

Why doesn’t she fight for me?

I also question whether I should unblock her number because how will I know if she does try unless I do? If I’m purposely blocking the channel and get secretly wishing for some genuine attempt at reconnecting…

Then there’s a part of me that is trying to stay responsible for my more vulnerable and weak child that is clearly feeling sad and rejected by her mum. The one person that is meant to love her unconditionally. She says she does… but it doesn’t feel like that.

I keep finding myself a bit spaced out today. Randomly thinking about silly things like what to cook for dinner or what I’m doing tonight and then I find myself back to thoughts of how this shouldn’t be happening and how I can’t believe it’s really happening to me. That this is real. This is nearly half a year later and nothing’s been fixed at all between us.

I’m not crying right now, I’m not feeling particularly depressed about it all but the feelings of disbelief and shock and rejection are there. The child part of me wants to make it all go away and pretend it’s not happening.

I’ve never been very good at tolerating feelings of rejection. In fact, it’s always been one of the things I have struggled most with in my life.

She’s missing such a huge part of my life. A real, key, transitional phase of it… I’m 4 months away from becoming a wife. I want to try for my own baby (again) after and I could use a mother when I try again because it was pretty emotionally exhausting last time constantly failing. Yet when I told her my feelings she just told me about her poor friend at work who has been trying far less time than me (how that upset me)…

I digress.

Everyone bleets on about how I will regret her not being there – why isn’t SHE regretting missing all of this planning and preparation? She would say she is, of course…. but yet she’s clearly choosing herself over me. Just like she always did. Choosing her fragile ego in her refusal to apologise for any pain and hurt she caused me.

Rather than say she’s sorry, she would rather walk away and miss all of this stuff.

How can she do that?

How as a mother, how???

There’s a woman on my train with a mass of blonde hair, just like her’s. I wonder if I’ll ever see her hair again.

It just doesn’t feel right.

Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine

Guys, I’ve just finished listening to this book on Audible and it was so good. I think a lot of you may enjoy it. It’s sad, funny, deep, moving and you can’t help but love the character, Eleanor Oliphant.

I don’t want to write too much or give anything away but if anyone does check it out, or already has, please let me know what you think.

It even touches on the main character having counselling, and there’s a few sentences from her sessions we are all familiar with.

For me, watching her in her quest for a new life and all it entails was deeply moving and a great reminder of the hard work we are all doing. Sometimes it’s easier to see how courageous it is when someone else is doing it other than ourselves. Even if that someone is a fictional character from a book!!

Messiness and feelings

Happy Easter everyone.

This is the first time that I have sat down with my laptop in a very long time. I am pleased to say that I have now moved into my new house and so I can finally blog again rather than typing quick messages on my phone, which really isn’t the same at all.  Right now, my fiancé has gone out for a few hours and I am sat in my pjs (rather lazily as it is nearly midday!) on the sofa, laptop on lap.  All is right with the world again!

This is more of a general diary type post just to get some feelings off my chest rather than anything hugely important or significant.

The kids came to us Thursday night after work and stayed until Saturday night and it isn’t often that I say this but boy did I struggle with them this weekend! I don’t know why I found it so hard this weekend but I felt so angry and irritated all weekend, I honestly felt like I could explode at any stage.  I am hoping as I write this out I figure out quite why.

It is all about mess. I’ve struggled with feelings of anxiety and stress (anger?) a lot in my life and I’ve spoken to T about this before and she thinks it is my attempt to control things.  She thinks its to do with not being able to tolerate “messy feelings”.  I get that theory, it totally makes sense… perhaps somehow that is tied into my anger this weekend.  Basically we moved into this new house about 4 days before the kids arrived for a longer stay with us than usual and from the moment they arrived, I just felt like they took over.  They all sprawled out across the sofas – as pathetic as this sounds, I like “my” seat (don’t we all?) and I lose that when the kids come.  Not only do I lose that, sometimes I can’t even sit on a chair because they are taking them all up.  Granted I could ask one of them to move, but I never do.. it makes me feel awkward.  Anyway, there was that as a very small point but it was mainly the constant mess. Coats thrown on the floor, shoes not tidied away, the fact that they cannot use the same glass more than once and that at any given time there are about 10 glasses of half-drunk drinks.  Towels are left on the floors, the bathroom is more or less flooded after they’ve showered, crumbs and plates and food packets left everywhere, muddy footprints from the garden into the kitchen… I could go on, you get the point.  Mess. AGGHH MESSSSSSS.  Constantly. Everywhere.

I think the normal stress levels from mess were amplified by a million this weekend because I am trying to settle into my new house after having lived with the in-laws for 5 weeks and then I felt a bit invaded by them all and I feel horrific saying that because it is their house every weekend too…. I feel nasty even writing this but I need to get out the feelings and try to make sense of them.

I know that a bit of mess, an untidy house for a few days really isn’t and shouldn’t be a big deal, but it was a big deal. I was an angry bear for the duration of Friday day and night and Saturday too. I was short-tempered, constantly huffing and puffing, constantly telling them off for their messiness and being very short with my fiancé who at one point, decided to just not speak to me at all. And then that makes it worse of course, because then it feels like “them and me” and I feel even more angry…. really not ideal.

On top of this, I also obviously do their washing and cook their meals – go food shopping to make sure we have everything in that we need…. and I’m a total martyr because I moan that I’m doing EVERYTHING and yet I wouldn’t want anyone else to do it, because I am a total control freak. What is that about???

Moving on…

I have found myself thinking of my mum a lot the last few days. I keep getting hit by the enormity of the situation. I can’t quite believe that me and my mother still aren’t speaking.  I just can’t believe it when I really think about it properly.  I haven’t seen my own mother since October. It just seems surreal.  It is the 1st of April today, I get married in 4 months.  I sill can’t believe that she won’t be there.  My eyes are stinging and filling up with tears as I type this… I expected that might happen if I sat down to write. God…

I hate myself for crying over her and I hate myself for feeling like I miss her when I don’t actually miss her.. because what is there to miss? She didn’t make me happy… she never said or did nice things for me, she didn’t build me up and make me feel good about myself so why are the tears falling?

I can’t believe how easily she gave up on me.

I know technically I walked away from her. That it was me who refused to meet up and talk and me that refused to “agree to disagree” but that’s because I NEED an apology and I NEED to see and feel and believe that she does genuinely feel bad for the pain she’s caused me.. and the very fucking harsh reality is that she doesn’t.  She does not.

Meanwhile she is telling people that I’ve gone mad, that I am brainwashed and that my fiancé is controlling me etc – all of which are not true… and I just want her to feel my pain for one minute and tell me how much it hurts her to know I grew up feeling so unloved.

This is old ground, I’m sorry it must be ever so boring reading the same shit all the time. I am clearly struggling to process it all.

Sometimes I feel like I am being stubborn and that I should just give up on my need for this apology or empathy or validation or whatever. Sometimes I think I should just make up with her and continue to do my healing behind closed doors like I was before. Easier said than done I know.

As I wrote recently, I blocked her phone number a few weeks ago and I have been wondering a lot lately has she messaged me? has she tried to get in touch? One part of me is dying to unblock her to check… and the other half is too scared to see that she either hasn’t: or that she has but it’s more of the same shit.  Either way it hurts.

The last few days I’ve struggled thinking about how both T and my fiancé see things so clearly and yet here I am, having days of total anger and frustration and now moments like this where I write and cry about it all. It all feels so confused and such a mess. I feel like such a bad person cutting my own mother out, even though I understand my reasons for doing so.

I understand that I’ve always been trained to worry about her feelings and trained to make her happy (often at my own expense) and I wonder a lot at the moment how she feels about me.  Does she cry too? Does she feel like she’s lost me? Does she lay awake wishing I would phone, text, knock on the door? Or…. as my fiancé suspects, is she angry with me and so doesn’t care much at all? I saw some photos on Facebook the other day and she was in them dancing and smiling and looking like she doesn’t have a care in the world and that hurt… but I soothed myself by saying that I’ve had many pictures taken where I look happy and yet I am crying about her right now.  A picture is only a reflection of a very brief moment after all. Maybe I’m kidding myself.

On a more positive note, I’ve seen a lot of my Dad in the last week or so and that has been really, really lovely. In fact, I’ve seen him more this last week or so then I used to see him in months.  He helped me on moving day which was amazing… he then popped in the following day to see how we were getting on… I then went to a family party with him Saturday night and then yesterday he knocked at the door when I was cooking dinner to drop off a plant for me and my fiancé and an easter egg for each of the kids. I was genuinely so touched. THAT is what I have wanted my entire life.  Simple things, but it is great. Truly, the guy is such a changed man these last few months. I could have never imagined we would get this close, it’s amazing.  I have no doubt that it’s to do with my mum not being around.  Maybe in how she affects me or maybe he subconsciously feels more able to be around me knowing she’s not pulling my strings and saying awful things about him… who knows but the difference is ginormous.

I don’t think I have much more to say than that… I feel a bit emotional having written that all out. It can be exhausting sometimes can’t it? I think I am going to go and have a nice bath and relax before my fiance comes home.