When T is amazing

I couldn’t believe my eyes this morning when I was getting ready for work and saw a notification on my phone that I had an email from T.

I hadn’t emailed T since Monday during my meltdown/panic attack/episode and she had replied pretty soon afterwards. This wasn’t expected…

I opened the email and it basically said that she was thinking of me and all I was going through, that she would stand by me no matter what my decision was and that she would in no way be disappointed in me.

My heart nearly exploded.

1) the love I felt is quite incomprehensible

2) she wouldn’t be disappointed in me!!! (I was very afraid she would)

3) she was thinking of ME!

4) SHE EMAILED ME FIRST!!!!!!!!!!

I appreciate that many of us are currently on therapy breaks right now so I hope this doesn’t trigger anyone or make anyone feel shit and for the record in 3.5 years, this has never happened. Never. So it’s not meant to be a braggy “my therapist is better than your’s” kind of blog, honestly.

I just needed to share what a monumentally ginormous thing this was to me. I’ve thought about it all day. I’ve read it over and over again. I even rushed up the stairs and shoved it in my fiancé’s face like a proud child or something.

Anyway, I needed that permission. I needed to know she would stand by me, that she wouldn’t judge me and that she does care about me. Because on a good day I know those things, but on a bad day, I forget.

Having told my fiancé and T that I may decide to make contact and having them both say that it’s my choice has helped. I’ll admit I would still love it if they actively encouraged it and were happy about it, but.. well… baby steps I suppose.

Experiencing T telling me that I can make a decision she doesn’t necessarily agree with, but will stand by me, is probably an experience I’ve not had from a mother – and so it felt amazing. I was slightly worried this decision could lead to a rupture after the last decision I made when she was on holiday (going back to once a week sessions from twice a week)… that didn’t end well!

On that note, why do I make these decisions when she’s not here? Interesting…

Anyway, I’m still edging towards contact but I’m trying hard to stop myself doing anything impulsively. I’m not good at that…. I don’t have that ability to think on things for long.. I wonder why?

My mum goes on holiday tomorrow for two weeks and there’s a huge part of me that would like to wish her a great time and say we’ll meet when she’s back, in the hope it makes her happy… (a fantasy I know). But I won’t. I’ll admit I’ve been willing a message to arrive from her and I’ll even go as far as to admit I’ve been sending out “vibes” into the universe hoping she gets the vibe and sends me a message…. silly really.

I’m in no doubt that making contact probably won’t be the stuff dreams are made of, I’ll even admit that I’m scared. Very scared, I’m scared even to see her again. I have a lot of stuff to work out with T. Maybe my mum being away for the next two weeks is a good thing?

I need to work out my reasons for doing this, how I’ll do it, how I’ll maintain my boundaries, how I’ll stop myself being hurt, stop myself being pulled back into old dynamics and old dysfunctional characters within the family…. what I will and won’t allow, how much, what I will and won’t discuss … so much. There is so much.

I’ve had spells of nausea since Saturday and I think it’s the anxiety of all of this. How will it end? What if she demands an apology from me and I can’t give one? What if speaking to her undoes my hard work? What if I’m not as strong as I think I am? What if I get hurt again? How will this effect me and my fiancé? Will it cause us problems?

Worry and panic and stress are literally flooding my body and making me feel physically sick.

But thanks to T, the one thing I am sure of is that she won’t leave me regardless and that is why I love her.