TW: Email to T

Hello [T],

I’m so sorry to send you this whilst you’re on holiday. I’ve been trying to hold off.

I’m struggling a bit at the moment. I have such an urge to contact my mum. I’m absolutely exhausted from the constant worry, anxiety, guilt and fear that I feel every single day. I’m sad that I have to totally give up on her and on us ever speaking again.

I feel sad that I’m maintaining the no contact because I want some empathy, validation and an apology from her and I know it’s never going to come, I know that…. and I want it so, so much but I’m also aware of the fact that it’s her issue. It’s her that cannot self reflect and it’s not about me being wrong or not good enough.

I am constantly trying to figure out how things could be fixed after all this time. I have no idea how things would work going forwards as so much would have to be different.

I worry that I’ll disappoint you and I’ll disappoint Paul because you both think it’s a bad idea for me to speak to her. Paul’s admitted he hates her and will never see her again regardless of what I decide to do.

I just feel like I can’t take much more of it. I know that sounds so dramatic but the pain is almost unbarable. I want it all to stop.

Surely some limited contact would be much better than this. I don’t want to feel like this anymore and I don’t want to lose my family and my sister. I don’t want to live with this guilt and fear every day. I feel like I’m having another panic attack over it all, I can’t stop crying.

I don’t know what else to write. I know I have a week until you are back and I will try and hold off until then, but it’s getting harder every day.

I sent my wedding invites out on Friday and I didn’t send her one, that made this all so real. I don’t want to get married without her – even though I know she probably doesn’t deserve it. I just want to stop this pain and the anxiety – I can’t take much more of it.

The point of going no contact is meant to be that you’ve given up all hope and I guess I am just not cut out for it. I can’t do it. It’s like I need to check it was as bad as i remember. Suddenly it doesn’t seem that bad. Surely if I can hold on to the fact it’s not me. It’s not my fault it will be easier to hold something?

I’m sorry this sounds so dramatic. And I’m sorry for sending this whilst you’re on a well deserved break.

8 thoughts on “TW: Email to T

  1. Just read this and to add to my comments on previous post… In part I also found myself keeping away from them because of what others thought. At the time my therapist and my partner. HOWEVER my therapist herself says “some contact is better than none” in her own personal life so deep down we agree. It seems “cleaner” to just get rid of toxic people from your life. And often it is. But with family its different. And that’s ok. This is YOUR life, no one else’s x

    Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s easy for outsiders or those who haven’t been through it, to be so black and white. Dig deep with your therapist and I’m sure there’s grey in there somewhere. The black and white comes from my therapist when she’s in protective mode. Reality is quite different really.
        I don’t want to sway you either way. But I know it isn’t as easy as “I’ll just cut them out my life”. I’m so glad I went back. I wouldn’t have half the stability I do now if I hadn’t have x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Connection to family is really important. The real separation needs to happen inwardly when you realise its about them and not you, I do believe that then a relationship is possible on different terms, but there is a lot that needs to be let go of as well. I think its just too hard to completely cut contact and in the end its your feelings that count, they are your family and you are not here to meet anyone else’s expectations if they run against your grain. Good luck >3

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I understand and maybe she is right it probably is the young part of you that is longing.. can you visualise your child self and let her cry out her need to adult you and then comfort her by telling her you are there, you hear her and will not ever abandon her. I often speak to my inner child in just this way. In fact I had to do it this morning. Hugs ❤

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  3. You can make whatever choice you want in this. But it’s important that the choice not be made based on the way you expect/hope/want her to be/act, because that’s something you have no control over.

    Liked by 1 person

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