T’s reply

How painful this all is for you to manage. Perhaps, firstly, it’s important to understand the place you are in. You have just moved house, and that will have unsettled you. Then there is the wedding and the invitations, and the reminder if all that is happening with your mother, which is very hard to manage. On top of that, I am on a 2 week break and there’s nowhere to come and talk about it and be seen and held in it all – that will make your longing even more powerful and painful. So, you are left in a very vulnerable and needy place. When feeling so desperate, the pull back to the familiar, even if it’s abusive, will be more powerful, because your needs are very pressing. I am alongside you in it all and we will keep talking about it together.

I wonder if you could just slow it down a bit and really understand that you are desperate to be seen, heard and held in your pain, and to try to offer yourself and the vulnerable child inside, some protection, care and compassion. I wonder if you feel your family can give you that, or if it will hurt you even more right now, especially when so vulnerable? I absolutely understand the needs, but I worry you are going to be further hurt if you pull back to your Mum when in such pain? Your need is absolutely ok, but try to protect that vulnerable part of you from further hurt, especially in the break.

I am here and I hear you and I know how much you are hurting. You are held firmly with me this break and I am thinking of you. Can you hang in there a bit and allow the feelings a voice without contacting your Mum? What you need from her is what she has never been able to give so that part of you is feeling desperate. Does it help to have told me and have me respond? It’s great you have shared it with me – don’t beat yourself up for doing that. Just hold on that you are in touch with needs that have never had a voice – desperate needs. They are the needs that weren’t properly met by your Mum. Contacting her now is going to further hurt you. Try to hold off for now. If you need to keep writing then do so – get rid of it. I hear you. I am here.

Go gently and kindly and protect the desperate parts of yourself. Hang in there.

With kindest wishes

12 thoughts on “T’s reply

  1. Gosh. Do we have the same therapist? Lol it’s a very familiar email to read!! My T would say that to me. That I’m being pulled towards a place of hurt. I’m not advocating, by the way, you go back now whilst in this vulnerable place. I think she’s right you do need protecting now. But to feel that maybe you don’t have to write them off completely and when you’ve had a chance to think things through and you’ve been able to find the stronger parts of you again, if you still think no contact is worse than minimal then that is an option. I’m glad you have your T. She sounds extremely thoughtful in her replies and “holding” of you x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh yeah, she’s all about holding. Being seen and heard are her “things!”. She understands the mother attachment stuff VERY well, so I don’t doubt that she knows the pain I’m in. I’m a little confused though as she seems to think I’m being pulled to that place because I’m hurt, but I feel I’m hurt BECAUSE of the no contact… does that make sense?

      If she said let’s talk about it when I’m back and see if you still feel the same, I think that would help and give me some hope but she so clearly wants me away from my mother. I guess she can see how hurt I’ve been clearer than I can xx

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      1. No one can see how hurt you’ve been clearer than you can. No one. In that email I feel she’s trying to keep you away NOW because she’s away and you’ve not got the space with her etc. She can’t hear your reasoning through an email. It’s only her gut response to say “no, don’t go back, not when you’re like this”.
        Yes it makes sense you’re hurt because of the no contact. To me. Someone who has been directly there. I was hurt, A LOT, by my mother. But I saw potential in my mother to have an adult-adult rship with me. It’s entirely different than an adult-child one which she just couldn’t manage. I don’t know your mum, I don’t know the hurt she’s caused. Your T does. But you wouldn’t be here writing this if your gut wasnt right about something. You have the power over your life and rships now and it’s not up to any one else to tell you what to do. It’s not in your therapists right to keep you away. It’s not in my right to say go back. It’s got to come from you but listen to your gut. Don’t let it be swayed by others. Only YOU truly know you and only YOU truly know your family/mum x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I think this is a great reply but then I would because she’s pretty much said all of the things I’ve been thinking since reading your earlier post :). I don’t want you to go back to more hurt.

    I’m glad you were able to contact her and that she was able to respond promptly. I hope it helps some.

    (((((hugs)))))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks hun. I sent this as a reply;

      It’s not even that I want her to give me anything. I just want to put an end to the way I feel and have felt every day for the last 6 months. I want to stop waking up every day feeling sad and guilty, I want to stop being scared to go out to the shops in case she is there. Scared to see stepdad on the train, scared to lose my relationship with my sister, with my grandparents, scared to ruin the build up to the wedding and the day itself and never get the chance to do it again.

      It’s not about wanting her to suddenly show me the love she clearly can’t show me, I just want to stop all those feelings, thoughts and fears. I need it all to stop so I can try and get some life back which isn’t all about that. I don’t know if that makes sense?

      I know she won’t have changed and that she will be saying the same things. But I also know that I don’t need her to agree with me now – that I know she’s lacking in a lot of ways and has never been able to give me what I need. She never will. I just feel right now that the absolute no contact hurts more than the contact did and that seems counterproductive. Maybe I’m kidding myself but I feel I could be stronger and put more boundaries in after this time apart. I would need to do things differently for sure but maybe something limited would feel more bearable than this.

      I don’t know. Maybe I’m being naive.

      Thank you for your email. I’ve read it a few times and I will keep reading it and thinking about what you’ve said. All I want to do is make it all go away really. I feel I’ve run out of steam I suppose.

      I will try not to do anything about it for now though. But I want to think maybe I can’t change this situation soon. I think I need to think that to cope at the moment.

      Thank you again.

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  3. This is a wise and very caring response from your therapist.

    I don’t think there is one rule that works for everyone in terms of some contact or no contact. But I agree with her that reaching back to someone who has always hurt you because you feel uncomfortable in this rapidly changing life, you feel vulnerable, and at some level you long for the familiar… that’s setting yourself up for more pain.

    If you can breathe, pause, and just be sweet to yourself in this very stressful period, your T will be back soon and will be able to help you navigate thoughtfully to your decision about partial contact or staying no contact. For now, your only job is to soothe yourself the best way you can. Maybe that is some meditation or yoga. Maybe it’s calling a friend. Going to a movie, to distract yourself. Going for a hard, sweaty workout. Whatever works for you, to bring you more into your body and out of your head with its spinning thoughts.

    Lots and lots and lots of good wishes, xxoo.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I totally get what you’re saying about going back to someone that’s hurt me just because of feeling uncomfortable in my new life… that definitely has its merits… but at the same time, if no contact isn’t making me happy, why am I doing it? I know it’s not quite as simple as that… but that’s how I feel today.

      I didn’t manage to self soothe very well today, but I’m feeling better now. Fiancé is home and we’ve had a takeaway for dinner and I now have a glass of wine. I should be better tomorrow if I actually get some sleep tonight xx

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      1. Wow, so you have been making a LOT of effort. Can you hang in there just a little bit longer so you could process any change with your therapist beforehand? She could help you figure out any terms you might want to set out ahead of time, things that might protect you if you do decide to allow contact.

        Liked by 1 person

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