How painful this all is for you to manage. Perhaps, firstly, it’s important to understand the place you are in. You have just moved house, and that will have unsettled you. Then there is the wedding and the invitations, and the reminder if all that is happening with your mother, which is very hard to manage. On top of that, I am on a 2 week break and there’s nowhere to come and talk about it and be seen and held in it all – that will make your longing even more powerful and painful. So, you are left in a very vulnerable and needy place. When feeling so desperate, the pull back to the familiar, even if it’s abusive, will be more powerful, because your needs are very pressing. I am alongside you in it all and we will keep talking about it together.
I wonder if you could just slow it down a bit and really understand that you are desperate to be seen, heard and held in your pain, and to try to offer yourself and the vulnerable child inside, some protection, care and compassion. I wonder if you feel your family can give you that, or if it will hurt you even more right now, especially when so vulnerable? I absolutely understand the needs, but I worry you are going to be further hurt if you pull back to your Mum when in such pain? Your need is absolutely ok, but try to protect that vulnerable part of you from further hurt, especially in the break.
I am here and I hear you and I know how much you are hurting. You are held firmly with me this break and I am thinking of you. Can you hang in there a bit and allow the feelings a voice without contacting your Mum? What you need from her is what she has never been able to give so that part of you is feeling desperate. Does it help to have told me and have me respond? It’s great you have shared it with me – don’t beat yourself up for doing that. Just hold on that you are in touch with needs that have never had a voice – desperate needs. They are the needs that weren’t properly met by your Mum. Contacting her now is going to further hurt you. Try to hold off for now. If you need to keep writing then do so – get rid of it. I hear you. I am here.
Go gently and kindly and protect the desperate parts of yourself. Hang in there.
With kindest wishes