Thank you 🙏

Thank you to everyone who has helped me today. Today was a really, god awfully tough day. I’ve cried so much and had another panic attack to the point of barely being able to breathe!!

I’ve calmed down a lot now and I’ve thought a lot.

Despite a lot of people’s advice, my T and my fiancé, I think I might ask my mother if we can meet up when she gets back from holiday. She goes this Thursday for two weeks.

I think that the only way it can work is by us not discussing the past. Clearly she won’t ever be able to apologise. I need to let go of that hope of I want to have any kind of relationship with her in the future. But I will not be apologising for anything.

I will tell her we should meet once every few weeks in a public place, for dinner or lunch maybe just us and my sister and work on the three of us patching things up by going forwards. I can’t be around her husband yet and my fiancé won’t be around her, so this will need to be baby steps.

If it doesn’t pan out then I guess I’ve not lost anything. If she refuses to meet me then at least I can release the guilt and fear that is currently suffocating me.

I no longer crave her approval. Or her acceptance of me. I know now for sure how limited she is and I won’t be going to her hoping for emotional connection. I’ll continue to grieve that (and other) losses in time.

I don’t want to disappoint my t, or my fiancé but I have to follow my gut don’t I? As long as I go into this well equipped and with strong boundaries and a support network I’ll be okay. Hopefully.

I probably shouldn’t do anything until T is back though…. that’s another 8 days. I’m not sure I can wait that long…..

6 thoughts on “Thank you 🙏

  1. You’re welcome. I’m sorry it’s been such an emotionally draining day. I hope you can come to a bit of peace with all this tomorrow. You must be exhausted.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am exhausted. I’m still emotional inside (but I’ve stopped crying). My fiancé is home and honestly all I want is to cuddle him. Its so hard knowing I may be making a decision for the wrong reason given that they both think it’s wrong… I’m so conflicted x

      Like

  2. Bravo I am so pround of you.. You really struggled with this and reached so deep to find your own answer in the midst of everyone’s opinions. I think following your authentic gut will pay off and you will learn more by just fronting up and personally I feel this shows great growth in maturity in you. I hope its okay to say this I am behind you 100 percent. I think you are such a beautiful person. xo

    Liked by 1 person

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