Thank you to everyone who has helped me today. Today was a really, god awfully tough day. I’ve cried so much and had another panic attack to the point of barely being able to breathe!!
I’ve calmed down a lot now and I’ve thought a lot.
Despite a lot of people’s advice, my T and my fiancé, I think I might ask my mother if we can meet up when she gets back from holiday. She goes this Thursday for two weeks.
I think that the only way it can work is by us not discussing the past. Clearly she won’t ever be able to apologise. I need to let go of that hope of I want to have any kind of relationship with her in the future. But I will not be apologising for anything.
I will tell her we should meet once every few weeks in a public place, for dinner or lunch maybe just us and my sister and work on the three of us patching things up by going forwards. I can’t be around her husband yet and my fiancé won’t be around her, so this will need to be baby steps.
If it doesn’t pan out then I guess I’ve not lost anything. If she refuses to meet me then at least I can release the guilt and fear that is currently suffocating me.
I no longer crave her approval. Or her acceptance of me. I know now for sure how limited she is and I won’t be going to her hoping for emotional connection. I’ll continue to grieve that (and other) losses in time.
I don’t want to disappoint my t, or my fiancé but I have to follow my gut don’t I? As long as I go into this well equipped and with strong boundaries and a support network I’ll be okay. Hopefully.
I probably shouldn’t do anything until T is back though…. that’s another 8 days. I’m not sure I can wait that long…..