I’ve had enough

I need some help because my mind feels like it is going to explode!

I’m feeling drained. Exhausted even. No contact is proving to be so stressful that it takes away the entire point of being NC! I’m questioning my motive again.

I have lived in a constant state of fear and anxiety for nearly 6 months every day. Daily I am scared to see my NPDm or my stepfather. I’m hugely triggered and have panic attacks whenever I end up being attacked by flying monkeys (who have come in the form of people I would have never expected). I’m petrified to go anywhere she could be.

What am I scared of?? The fear is so hugely extreme. It’s not rational at all.

I’ve been telling myself this weekend that going low contact would be better for me. That if I went low contact I would probably rescue some relationships with other family such as my sister (now golden child) and my grandparents.

I’m telling myself that I would be better having my mum and co at my wedding instead of living to regret it if we sort things out one day.

My fiancé thinks I’m just having withdrawal symptoms and he’s very honest in saying he hates my mother and will not ever see her again, regardless of what I decide to do.

He asks how would I have a relationship with her now that this has happened. He said how would you put up with the controlling opinions and the put downs and comments about your life choices and your appearance? He asks would you go to her house now without me comfortably?

My answer was purely tears. I know things would be totally different now. I hate my stepfather now and wouldn’t want to see him and I would have to tell my mother that AND tell her that my fiancé doesn’t want to see her….

I know this sounds dramatic and I am sorry but I’ve simply reached the end of my tether. I just feel like I can’t cope with it all any more. I feel like I can’t win no matter what I do. Sometimes I feel like I’m maintaining no contact because it’s what people (my therapist and my fiancé) think is best, but it’s not what I WANT.

Now I question what was the point in any of it and how the hell would I begin to fix it anyway?

I still yearn deeply for a loving mother – I still wish she could apologise to me for all the pain she’s caused me. For all the smear campaigning she did and I know she won’t. So why, whyyyy do I want to let her back in my life??

I’m in tears and feel so lost and so confused.

39 thoughts on “I’ve had enough

  1. Hey my lovely

    Firsty I just want to say, all of this is OK. You can feel however you want, whenever you want, as consistent or inconsistent as you like. Emotions are messy and unpredictable.

    So if you could do anything right now, what anyone else thinks or wants doesn’t matter, listening to your gut instinct what do you want to do? Don’t think about whether its right or wrong or silly or dramatic, no labels. There is a voice in you that needs to break out and scream, what does she want to say?

    Xxx

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I would say that depends on whether you want your mum as she is, despite it all, or if you want your mum as she should be. It’s OK to still want her as she is, and if that’s the case, you can go to her. I imagine you will know where to go from there, she’ll either surprise you, or disappoint you, but you’d no longer be in limbo xxx

        Liked by 2 people

      2. That’s how I feel. I think I am going to accept her as she is, even though that’s not what I want because something feels better than nothing. Perhaps I need to “check” it’s really that bad? I don’t know. T is on a two week break which really doesn’t help x

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      3. Yeah ‘checking’ seems right. You obviously don’t want to be disappointed and gutted if her reaction sucks but it would give you more of an answer that your heart obviously isn’t certain on. Ts break definitely won’t help. When is she back? Xxxxxx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, love. OK, let me ask you one question. Two questions. Up until NC, how much time and effort did you spend keeping your mother in a good mood? And how well did she treat you in return?
    OK one last question. Given your answers to the first two questions, how do you think your mother intends to treat you if you get back in contact?

    Only you can answer these questions, but from my POV if you’d said you were going to go LC so as to deal with the anxiety, that I would have understood – it may be that actually seeing her (and nodding hello or blanking her or saying a few words, whatever you intend) would remind you that although she terrorised you as a kid, she’s not superhuman, she’s just an unpleasant wee woman. But to invite her to your wedding? Oh god no. No no no.
    It’s hard with the flying monkeys, if you can’t cut contact with them as well – but can you lower your contact with them? People who try to get you to reconcile with an abusive parent are not acting in your best interests, and you’re perfectly entitled to spend less of your time with them and more time with people who do look out for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I don’t know the answers …. before no contact I saw her maybe once a month or so for drinks at her house with her husband and my fiancé. Going forwards if we “made up” it would have to be entirely different, perhaps dinner or lunch just me and her or perhaps us and my sister. My fiancé wouldn’t come, I don’t want to see her husband and what’s more, drinking with her won’t end well. That’s when my anger comes up and when she says things that trigger me. So contact in the future would need to be different.

      I like to think after 6 months of not seeing me or speaking to me at all that she would have learnt how serious I am, and that she would respect me more and would be more careful to treat me nicely. Possibly wishful thinking.

      I can’t imagine getting married and her not being there. I can’t imagine that day not crying all day at the obvious absence of her. I don’t want to feel that pain and I don’t want to regret it either.

      What she did wasn’t okay but she’s never going to be able to see it, clearly! She’s never going to be able to self respect or apologise but I currently feel that having her in my life in some way, however emotionally disconnected or how shallow is better then nothing. I don’t want to feel scared and guilty any more and I don’t want to lose days of my life to these awful feelings. I don’t want to lose my Nan and Grandad and my sister because of me and her not speaking…. I feel like if this was my choice and I was happy it would make sense but I’m miserable?! Xx

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      1. Twinkletoes it’s your life and you have to do what you think it best but my experience with my own mother and talking to other people with similar histories suggests to me that after six months NC, rather than her seeing that you’re serious and understanding that that stems from her own treatment of you, she’s probably going to be glad you’ve finally “seen sense” and she’ll be expecting you to offer up all the attention that she missed from you in these months.

        You want your mum back, and that’s natural. But you also want her to be the mum you wanted as a child, the one who loves you unconditionally and is in your corner. I don’t think she is going to change, I think you are going to be disappointed. But it might be that you need to satisfy yourself of this, you might need to give her another chance/see her behaviour in action before you’re ready to let go. Because NC is not about changing the person, it’s not supposed to communicate anything, it’s supposed to get you safely away from their influence. If you still have hope that you and your mother can have a relationship, NC is not the answer. But for god’s sake be careful. Even as your heart softens to her, let your head take care of making sure there is not too much she can do to wreck your wedding.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Hi, thank you, there’s so much sense and truth to what you’ve written.

        I agree she will never see it was her treatment of me. Clearly after half a year she hasn’t been able to, she clearly thinks it’s me and my mental issues… that’s a tough one to take, but I think you’re right that it’s like I need to see it for myself again or lose that hope that I still clearly have in me.

        As you say, no contact isn’t meant to be sending a message or hoping for a reaction and unfortunately that’s what it’s been for me. The relief the night I walked away was immense, but now it’s just hurting me. I feel like I have to power to take away a lot of pain from myself and that I’m the only one keeping the pain alive. I also fear I’ll be disappointed… ugh x

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      3. Since you got such relief from walking away, could that be a strategy for you if you decide to get back in contact? Like, when you meet her, make sure you have an escape route and then if she starts her nonsense, just… get up and leave? I used to do this with my mother. It’s a way of enforcing your boundaries without having to deal with conflict.

        Liked by 2 people

      4. Yes absolutely! I could meet her somewhere neutral and say that I will leave if things don’t seem to be progressing.

        However, my t just responded (just posted her reply) and she’s certainly not advocating I contact her x

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my heart goes out to you so much. I have no idea what to say because part of me feels if your feelings are that strong you do need to do as Lauren suggested and go to your Mum, but I am so frightened of you getting hurt again. Is there a chance that you can accept that her capacity to feel your pain is so limited and that is HER issue totally and stil allow yourself to need to see her and have her in your life? It would be so much to loose your entire family especially with your wedding coming up….I have no answers for you but I do feel so much for you, wish I could offer more but that is all I really have…<3 ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey lovely. That’s helpful! I feel the same as you. Maybe I’m kidding myself but part of me thinks if I can go back to her knowing that I am not the issue and that it’s her inability to self reflect that is, it will be a much easier relationship to have?

      I’m petrified of having it all go wrong and having to start this again but I know that I can’t keep this up whilst feeling this strongly forever. It’s ruining my wedding plans and time is running out x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So give it a go….. I understand how much this is affecting you at such an important time. I think your heart is telling you what you need and you just need to listen to it (I could be wrong but I always follow my heart even when it gets hurt) ❤

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  4. It sounds like there is genuine external pressure – at least a bit – to stay NC, so this is a hard question (and maybe unfair or even completely wrong, so feel free to ignore if it feels at all like I’m trying to blame you), but is there any part of you that wants to stay NC but also doesn’t want it to be your decision, because then it is easier to hold onto the idea that there is something external to you and your mum that is keeping you from having the loving relationship you want with all your heart, rather than that it is a failing on the part of your mum? Making the NC decision fully yours would mean admitting that there isn’t any hope of things changing anytime soon, and that is something which is almost impossible to accept right now.

    I’m sorry it hurts so much. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not an unfair question at all! I don’t think so… but I guess if she said no I don’t want to see or speak to you again, then perhaps I wouldn’t feel the guilt, and I wouldn’t be so scared to see her or my stepdad because I would know it was their choice whereas now I’m constantly scared. But also, it’s not what I “want”. I’ve never wanted to have her out of my life, all I’ve ever wanted was a bit of empathy and validation and an apology. I went no contact because she wouldn’t or couldn’t give that to me. I still want that more than ever but I feel like I’m accepting the reality that she never will and clearly no contact isn’t making me happy either x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sorry, i guess “want” wasn’t the right word to use – I think maybe I meant something more like that you see the value in NC rather than that you want it. But it sounds like that still wouldn’t match what you’re feeling.

        It’s obviously enormously difficult for you when there is an actual risk of bumping into them any time. I can only imagine how stressed out that makes you feel.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I can 100% relate to this. I was estranged from my parents for two years. But it caused more stress than it was worth. Worrying about bumping into them. Worrying about sibling contact all the time. Worrying about them dying and me running out of time. Lots of worry. For me, minimal contact was better than none at all. Its become more than that over time but I didn’t expect it tbh. I know it’s complicated because there’s stress from having them in your life (to say the least). But I get the pull to go back and at least have something. It’s what led me to their doorstep after two years. Immense contradictory stuff going on emotionally I know. I understand x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s EXACTLY how I feel. I feel it’s mor stressful feeling this way every single day then it was to see her once a month for a few hours, even with the and emotional shitstorm that followed afterwards.

      Can I ask (you don’t have to answer of course) how did you get back in touch? How do I even start comms off again? I don’t know how that would work after all of this time. Did they welcome you back or did you have to beg?? X

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      1. You can ask anything you like. I found myself in the car just driving to them one day. Got to theirs, knocked on the door, my dad opened it and I just cried. My mother did a double take when I walked in but actually just hugged me and yes, they welcomed me back. HOWEVER I’d had contact with my mother through email to an extent where I got a (semi) acknowledgment and apology so it was easier to just think, ok past is past, moving on. It was a tough convo but it was the most relieving thing id done sitting there being honest about how I felt and why I left for two years. How long have you been no contact for with your mum? I haven’t been following blogs closely so I don’t know the full details of it all, sorry 😦 x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh please don’t apologise, my blogs started out as me trying to help others but as my journey progressed they are now mainly me writing when I’m in the midst of crying or having a panic attack so they aren’t of much interest ha!

        Oh wow. That’s the sort of thing I imagine in my head but I hate my stepdad and I’ve seen him on the train about 4 times and he ignores me (and stares at me trying to intimidate me).. so I doubt he would even let me in.

        I have been imagining texting my mum today just saying I want you to know that I think about you every single day and I still love you. I haven’t thought much further than that….

        Clearly talking won’t get me anywhere, I’ve tried that twice, once 3.5 years ago and once 6 months ago. Her recollection of my life if totally different to mine. She is narcissistic and so she cannot ever accept blame or responsibility. Today, right now I feel like as long as I know the truth, she won’t be able to hurt me like she used to. Perhaps I’m fooling myself?!

        Are you glad you went back? How are things now?

        It’s only been 6 months for me but I’m getting married in August and the whole thing has been ruined by our lack of contact. Xx

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      3. That sounds like a perfectly reasonable text to send. You wouldn’t be lying. Life is for honesty in my books. I know the narcissism gets in the way. Hence the fact I just got a semi apology. I agree with the “she won’t be able to hurt me like she used to”. Hold onto your truth. She doesn’t need to agree with it. She likely cannot. Her psychological make up blocks her from being able to. I’m glad I went back. Things are great now. We are currently going through something quite traumatic and it feels like my mum and I are going through it together. The stunted communications we had opened things up enough for things to change, enough. Not perfect, but enough. I’ve been back in contact for 3 years now I think so it’s been work still to get here but it’s been worth it x

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  6. Hi TT,
    I’m low on capacity so haven’t yet read through all the comments above, so apologies if I’m repeating what’s already been said or not adding much 🙂 !
    I did see that you said to Lauren that you just want your Mum, and I wonder do you – in your heart, do you want her as she is, treating you how she does, causing so much pain or is what you really want a loving Mum, the Mum that everyone needs? I know that’s a really hard question.
    Going NC is, I think, one of the most difficult things someone can ever face in life. It is entirely normal for you to be feeling all that you are feeling right now. There is so much to deal with in this process, the grief alone is ENORMOUS and I think the grief alone could explain how you’re feeling right now. It takes time, quite a bit of it, for those feelings to ease.
    I tried low contact for a few years as you’re now considering. Like you, I was also newly engaged around the time that everything first ‘kicked off’, and I was a similar age. During that low contact period I did let my mother attend my wedding. My sibling refused to come because of the low contact, because I’d even dared to discuss ‘abuse’ and because of all ‘the trouble I was causing’. I had no other family there because my mother had isolated me from everyone one over the years. My mother spent the whole day refusing to smile – not even once (imagine the wedding photos) – , and telling everyone how awful I looked, how my sibling should have been there but couldn’t be because of my awful behaviour, and more. She even refused to sit on the top table. A couple of friends tried to prevent her getting me on my own, which mostly worked, but the day was still ruined.

    This is my story and not yours, but years later with a lot more experience and understanding under my belt, I see a lot of parallels. I only wish that I’d gone NC sooner, and I certainly wish that I had rescinded that wedding invitation. I say this as someone whose life is still very difficult (for reasons that don’t apply to you), not to whine but to show that even given what I’m going through now, I have NO regrets about NC, only that I didn’t have the knowledge I needed to do it much sooner. I wish I’d had more appropriate support too.

    Obviously, only you can decide what you want to do and what you feel is right for you. I wavered a lot, for a long time. It took me around six years and a lot of pain to go fully NC. Your fiance and therapist are on your side, and it sounds like you can trust their input.

    I feel for your pain and struggle so much, and send you a huge (((((HUG))))). I hope that you can focus as much as you can on your new home, lovely fiance, your Dad, stepchildren, job – anything good that can boost and nurture you and help you through this awful time. You are brave and strong and lovely, please know that and that I really do think things can get much much better for you. There’s a great life ahead, I’m sure, despite being NC. BUT as I say, going NC is your decision alone to make.

    I don’t know if this helps anyway but wanted to respond in some way because I feel for so much. x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, thank you so much for taking the time to write that, especially if you’re feeling low on capacity. That’s really appreciated.

      Normally I would say I want the fantasy mother and not my actual mother… but today, I just want all of the drama and worry and fear to stop. I want to stop feeling how I feel every day, to stop worrying about what’s going to happen next and who will turn on me next etc. It’s not so much that I want and miss my mum, I just want it all over with.

      Jesus I’m so sorry to hear how your mother acted at your wedding. That must have been so awful. My t worries about that for me if my mother comes but I think she’s so worried about what other people think of her that she would rather be seen as the model mother.

      Thank you for the hug, I certainly need one! I’m off sick from work today laying at home constantly crying. I had a panic attack when emailing my T, it’s certainly come to a head today – which, I suppose explains the headache!!

      Xx

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      1. I hear you. My mother is obsessed with what others think of her and ‘appearances’, she framed the whole wedding thing, as only narcissists can, as her being desperately hurt and clueless as to why I was behaving so appalling. She was very convincing and had people feeling sorry for her; few understood my position, which was all the more painful.

        I can SO appreciate you just wanting it all to be done. Making contact again won’t make the pain and struggle stop, it’ll just be a different pain and struggle. Some choice, I know 😉 !

        This might seem like a meaningless platitude but I like this quotation and it’s helped me a few times. “When you’re going through hell, keep going.”
        Better times are found ahead not by going back. As ever, just my thoughts.

        Not every day will be this hard. I’m so sorry it’s so difficult today.

        Let others love and support you as much as they can. Do as much as you possibly can to look after yourself – rest, pampering, therapy, treats, time with people who really care about you.

        I can appreciate your terror of running into them. I had terrors over seeing family and I lived 100 miles away. I don’t envy your close proximity but I would ask your therapist, fiance, best friend to help you to find the best ways to manage that proximity.

        xx

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I was no contact with my Dad for six years. I think it’s up to you and no-one else whether you want to be no-contact or not with your mom. The way I see it, is that you have to trust yourself that even if you contact her, you WILL be able to stand up for yourself and not let yourself get hurt. She is never going to be the mother you wanted or needed, but she can still be in your life to some capacity. If you need her to be there while you get married etc. so be it. I don’t think she will ever come and apologize and you have to think whether you can accept a relationship with her even without the apology.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Me too! Just entered NC with my father and sister less than a week ago. Had to do it with my mom many many years ago. She’s been deceased for 17 years. So starting this boundary all over again us daunting. I get it, I remember these old feelings that are back once again. I effing hate these feelings, but I know they are best. I’m proud of you. NC is grief and grief is an asshole. 5 stages coming at you any time they want and in no particular order. I send you love and compassion and empathy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello. Thank you for your kind words and your empathy!! I’m so sorry to hear you’re no stranger to no contact. It sounds like you’ve had one hell of a rough ride. You’re right, it’s feelings hurting you constantly and in no particular order and without warning. It’s constant and it’s draining! I’ve only managed 6 months and it’s been the longest 6 months of my entire life! X

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      1. It will get easier, much like grief, I promise you that. You deserve full unconditional love from your parents and you don’t owe them anything. You owe yourself peace and love and acceptance of yourself, and when you have that…it makes NC much easier. Ever read the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Dr. Karyl McBride has some great personal exercises at the end of the book to help you on the road to recovery. I highly suggest it. Your fiancee just loves you too much to see you in pain when in contact with them, because what affects you affects him. He doesn’t know how to save you and that’s what men think they’re supposed to do. Keep up the hard ass work, you’ll be happy you did.

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