I need some help because my mind feels like it is going to explode!
I’m feeling drained. Exhausted even. No contact is proving to be so stressful that it takes away the entire point of being NC! I’m questioning my motive again.
I have lived in a constant state of fear and anxiety for nearly 6 months every day. Daily I am scared to see my NPDm or my stepfather. I’m hugely triggered and have panic attacks whenever I end up being attacked by flying monkeys (who have come in the form of people I would have never expected). I’m petrified to go anywhere she could be.
What am I scared of?? The fear is so hugely extreme. It’s not rational at all.
I’ve been telling myself this weekend that going low contact would be better for me. That if I went low contact I would probably rescue some relationships with other family such as my sister (now golden child) and my grandparents.
I’m telling myself that I would be better having my mum and co at my wedding instead of living to regret it if we sort things out one day.
My fiancé thinks I’m just having withdrawal symptoms and he’s very honest in saying he hates my mother and will not ever see her again, regardless of what I decide to do.
He asks how would I have a relationship with her now that this has happened. He said how would you put up with the controlling opinions and the put downs and comments about your life choices and your appearance? He asks would you go to her house now without me comfortably?
My answer was purely tears. I know things would be totally different now. I hate my stepfather now and wouldn’t want to see him and I would have to tell my mother that AND tell her that my fiancé doesn’t want to see her….
I know this sounds dramatic and I am sorry but I’ve simply reached the end of my tether. I just feel like I can’t cope with it all any more. I feel like I can’t win no matter what I do. Sometimes I feel like I’m maintaining no contact because it’s what people (my therapist and my fiancé) think is best, but it’s not what I WANT.
Now I question what was the point in any of it and how the hell would I begin to fix it anyway?
I still yearn deeply for a loving mother – I still wish she could apologise to me for all the pain she’s caused me. For all the smear campaigning she did and I know she won’t. So why, whyyyy do I want to let her back in my life??
I’m in tears and feel so lost and so confused.