TW: help! I’m triggered

I’ve just triggered myself in a big way.

I read a post on a forum for people with personality disordered parents and the post explains how our parents start life abused or neglected and then unconsciously project shit onto us… then we leave them and they have to deal with that neglect and pain once more.

The post spoke about how sad and sorry she felt for her mother.

And now I’m totally triggered and feeling the same. Shit.

I know that it’s not my job to fix her or fix things but the thought that she felt the same way I did as a child and that I could now be repeating that pain for her makes me feel TERRIBLE.

8 thoughts on “TW: help! I’m triggered

  1. I understand how you feel, but it’s not your job to rescue your mother. From what I have read and heard NPD is extremely complex. You’re not abusing her by looking after yourself. Without therapy you could have repeated the cycle, but you’re breaking it instead. It’s extremely difficult to love someone and empathise with them, but also be damaged and angry by their treatment of you. Massive inner conflict.

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    1. Thank you. I know I’m preventing the cycle from repeating, just I sometimes feel like I’m being stubborn by thinking an apology means more to me than a relationship with my mother.

      You’re right, empathising with someone that hurts you is such a hard concept to understand. Trauma bonding? X

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  2. Oh gosh, can I ever relate to this. I’m not sure I have any words to help you in this moment. I really wish I did. It’s beautiful that you can feel compassion towards her and what she might have or might be going through. That makes you a good person. But if the relationship is toxic and unhealthy for you you can’t engage to try to fix it or her, as much as you want to. You need to take care of your needs first. And she has to go through her own process of healing as well, on her own, just like you are. They need to take on that responsibility for themselves. Enabling, conceding, conforming, whatever… to alleviate, disregard, or ignore what has happened so they aren’t hurting anymore can just end up enabling an abuse cycle to continue. Super unhealthy. I know you don’t want her to hurt or feel bad. But sometimes the most loving thing we can do for someone who hurts us is to set the boundaries needed and then pray for God to take the wheel to help them heal. I’m so sorry you are struggling with this. I waver with these types of emotions daily with regards to my relationship with my parents who abused and neglected me. It’s hard.

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    1. Thank you so much for writing this. Your reply really helped me to see a bit more clearly.

      You’re right, I DO want to fix her and I DO want to fix it all and I can’t. And that truly sucks. She will never go through any kind of healing journey, she will never look at herself and see anything negative, never…. so I know there’s no hope.

      I don’t often feel this way, i haven’t been hugely compassionate towards her until I read that post earlier and then I felt truly awful for what I’m doing. I don’t want to cause her pain. Even though she’s caused and is causing me lots of it, I don’t feel like I want revenge or payback, I just want an acceptance and a sorry, that’s all. I want to be made to feel that my feelings matter to her.

      X

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  3. I want all those things too!! It’s crushing. I also experience the guilt your are sitting in. I think that’s what they want sometimes. It’s part of the abuse and neglect and resistance to looking at themselves. If they can succeed at getting ya to look inward and elusive WE are the one at fault, then they never have to look at or accept they are the ones who are at fault and need change. Don’t fall for it or get sucked back in to the mental mess. Stay your course. Hold your boundaries (which is not an awful thing to do…it’s wise and healthy) and grieve the loss. It’s messy. I’m so sorry you feel this too.

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  4. I think finding compassion and understanding and maybe even empathy for your mum is a really good thing. It gives you balance. It doesn’t negate what she did to you, all that still lies with her, whether she meant to hurt you or not. And it doesn’t mean you have to forgive her or put up with her lack of boundaries. It just means that you can understand why what happened happened and that might give you some peace.
    I’m sorry that article triggered you though, it’s horrible to feel like that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m struggling to hold both of these things…. how can you understand and empathise and still keep the distance and boundaries ? It’s so hard.

      I’ve ended up crying over wanting it all fixed tonight and I haven’t done that in months and months. X

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  5. I know this post is a few days old, but I just wanted to say that one of the reasons for keeping the distance, even though it hurts both of you, is for the children you one day hope to have. It’s not about punishing your Mum or not having compassion, but it is an important part of ensuring you don’t pass this on to another generation.I thought I would NEVER behave like my own parents when I had my daughter, but it is such a battle to not parent the way I was parented – this healing work you are doing is essential, otherwise it is all-too-easy to fall into dysfunctional ways of relating with our children, especially when they trigger so much about our own experiences. It is about stopping the cycle, so it’s bigger than us and our childhood and our own mothers, it’s about generations of traumatic narcissism coming to an end. I hope that’s what I’m managing at least!

    I read a really useful article about this, I’ll try and find the link and whatsapp it to you xx

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