Longing for the mother

I woke up this morning with a thumping headache, a bad mood and a bad back ache. The back ache has got gradually worse the last few days but today it hurt a lot.

As we are staying with my fiancé’s family at the moment and his kids also stay with us at weekends, it was all a bit too much for me this morning. My mood was getting worse and holding it all in was getting harder and harder.

I found myself thinking about my T. I have thought about her a lot the last few days since my session on Tuesday. The closest feeling I could relate my feeling to would be “missing”. It was like I was missing her but I’m not sure that’s entirely accurate.

I touched on this briefly the other day, but the words I come up with are words such as “longing” and “missing”. As one of my fellow bloggers pointed out, it’s the grieving of the mother wound. I’m in touch with feelings of loneliness and sadness. It’s feelings I experienced when I was young and stuck with an emotionally unavailable mother. Isolation and sadness, emptiness. I feel those things again today and it’s very hard.

I wrote a list of words that just felt relevant to me today, they included the following words:

Missing

Longing

Sadness

Flat

Attachment

Connection

Emotional

Closeness

Attachment pain?

Mother wound?

Grief

Loneliness

Aching

Needing

Nurturance

So I think perhaps the feelings of sadness, aloneness, missing and longing are old feelings and in the here and now, they make me want to seek comfort and nurturance, connection and warmth. I want the familiar and genuine connection T offers me. I guess what I’m craving is “a mother”. MY mother but not my actual mother – it’s back to that fantasy mother I guess.

T provides me with some of the things I feel I need today and so I guess it makes sense for me to long for her in some ways – even if it’s not really her I need, but MY mother. The hole where my good enough mother should have been/be, but isn’t.

Days like this, times like this, being around lots of people makes me go stir crazy. I really struggle with that. I need time alone, I crave space and quiet. I need to cry or read or write or drink tea in a blanket. I struggle being “stepmum” and looking after the kids because I guess I’m triggered to a child like place myself and if I’m totally honest I think I struggle to be affectionate or enjoy them because it taps into the lack I had/have. I know that’s not what I should say or how I should feel but the words just came out so I’m sure they must be true.

It makes me angry. Perhaps my anger is hiding my sadness? Either way I couldn’t cope this morning and so guess where I am as I type this on my phone? I’m in my car. My lovely new car. I decided to grab a flask of tea, my psychologies magazine, my “Dear Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother” book, my make up bag(?) and off I went. I have only driven to the local park where I’ve parked up with the heating on and I’ve put my make up on, I’m listening to the radio and the snow is gently falling. I feel so calm now. Nothing like 45 minutes ago where I could have exploded from all the various emotions I wrote about above.

There’s some guilt that I shouldn’t be hiding in my car on my own and that I should be with my fiancé and the kids but I need to look after myself too, right? And what good am I to any of them in the state I was in earlier?

I feel so mean saying this but this is my happy place right now. I’m so at peace right now. I’m warm, I have my tea, I’ve kicked off my Ugg boots and am sitting cross legged (I’m small!), sipping my tea and typing out all these feelings which gives me such a release. I could stay here for hours if I didn’t feel like I should be with them.

I’ve read many articles which say in order to heal you need to internalise the good enough mother (so T) and that you learn to mother yourself and you learn to soothe yourself. I wonder in times like this whether the longing for comfort and closeness will ever go – right now it feels unlikely. I know I’ve been able to calm myself a bit, I’ve been able to give myself a little bit of space and I do understand that is progress… but I would still just like to be looked after if I’m honest. What I would like is for a really tight hug from a caring and kind mother. I would like to be a little girl for the day and not the adult. I hate that I’ve missed that chance and that I’ll never get that again.

I’m grieving that chance I suppose and I’m craving closeness and connection to make that pain more bearable when perhaps I just need to learn to tolerate it and let it pass?

11 thoughts on “Longing for the mother

  1. I have these same feelings today. It’s so hard. You did good taking yourself off for some self-care, for you and your family – how much do I wish my mum had done that when I was little?! I sobbed to my T on Monday that I want her to be enough to stop me having to feel the pain of not having a mum and she can’t be. It hurts so much. And what would really help soothe that level of pain? A good enough mother! I feel as though I need a mum to help me grieve never having had a real one.

    I hope the space puts you in a good place for the rest of the weekend ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “I feel as though I need a mum to help me grieve never having had a real one”

      Oh this. Exactly this. How cruel.

      I’m sorry you’re also feeling this today. There’s a strange comfort that we can both feel this and know how the other one is feeling (kind of). I’m sending you love and hugs.

      Xxx

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You too, lots of love and hugs.

        It is a comfort, isn’t it? And you’re right, it is so cruel. It is like our T’s need to give us just enough to get us in touch with the feelings and make it bearable, but not so much that we don’t have to feel it.

        Take care today xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It must be. And to watch us go through this and want to help but know it’s not in our long-term interests to take the pain away – excruciating at times I guess. Not sure if you read my blog but that seems to be where things are with my T right now 🙁

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Missing the “fantasy mother” is really painful. I’ve experienced that too. The thoughts of ” I miss my mum” but what I mean is i miss my real mum who is actually pure fantasy not the real mum as in birth mum. How can I miss someone who was never even real? It’s crazy.

    I’m glad you took yourself away for some “me” time. Hope it helped restore you a bit. Big hugs xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly that. Exactly. I nearly wrote that exact sentence earlier!! I thought to myself I “miss” T, then thought hmmm I probably don’t miss her but my mum, but equally I don’t miss my actual mum at all – I miss someone who never existed! The mum I wish I had and yep, it sounds mad but I 100% get it.

      Thanks, it totally helped. I managed to come back in happy again, all from being on my own in my new car, just for a while. Does that make me a bit of a recluse lol? There’s just something about being surrounded with people / it totally stresses me out at the best of times but living at the in-laws and then having the kids here too it’s chaotic and I don’t have anywhere to go – no bedroom and I can’t shut myself away in the bath like I would at home as there’s always someone that needs the loo!!

      On a brighter note, I’ve just been to see Peter Rabbit and that was sooooo cute! Xx

      Like

  4. I dont think its crazy at all to miss an archetypal mother who would see us, know us, cherish us and help us soothe. Unfortunately we so often dont have it and when you feel like this it IS so hard to give to others… you need your alone time, so it was good you took care of yourself by taking time out… there is just no easy way through this kind of grief and pain but to nurture yourself through it and feel it…. Hugs ❤

    Like

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