Dear Diary…

Today’s blog will mainly be a diary entry for myself rather than anything of any real interest. I feel a bit… I’m not really sure what.  Miserable? I don’t know, down, sad I suppose.

House/Moving

We were meant to be moving house next Monday. Literally a week tomorrow. I’ve been SO looking forward to moving into our new house, getting somewhere that felt “safe” and that none of my “family” could get to me.  Somewhere I could make a home again for me, my fiancé and the kids.  It was meant to be something positive in amongst the ten tonne of shit we’ve had recently.  But no.  That would be too easy wouldn’t it? Just in case I wasn’t already struggling enough, the house move fell through on Friday afternoon.  It’s a long story but the very short version is that we were told all the furniture in the new house would be put into storage before we moved in and when I checked this the other day, we were told that no, all furniture was staying and they were “sorry” for any inconvenience.  We can’t afford to put our or their furniture into storage and pay the new (higher) rent and we aren’t prepared to sell our entire 3 bed house worth of furniture when we are only signing a contract for one year – which has a 6 month break clause in it and could find ourselves looking for a new home by August (not to mention that’s when we get married! – can you imagine?).

So as I write this I am sitting surrounded by a house full of packed boxes, and no new house.  We are lucky enough that my fiancé’s parents have said we can move in with them for a while until we find somewhere and truly, I am grateful for that – Christ only knows what we would have done without that offer… BUT…

but as this is my diary and I am writing honestly, it sucks.  I know, I know, I should look on the bright side, be more positive and count my lucky stars that we aren’t out on the street but God.  I am not good when I am out of my own comfort zone. I seriously struggle being around people too much. I guess I’m a bit of an introvert in that way.  I NEED my routines and my space to feel… what? happy? settled or something.  It sounds silly but it’s the small things. Being able to put my pjs on with no bra the second I get home in the evening. Having that half an hour where nobody is home but me – cooking my different Slimming World dinners in my kitchen with my music playing. Sitting down in the evening to the programmes me and my fiancé like to watch. Taking a bath/shower when I like, not worrying about waking anyone up in the mornings.  Having my own room to escape to when the kids are with us at weekends, even if that’s just whilst I get dressed and ready for the day.  Agh.

I crave my own time. I love my fiancé, the kids AND I love his parents but I really do need time to just be alone. To be with my thoughts, to write on here, to watch my rubbish tele or to cook. Those are my things and they will all be taken away when we move.  Not to mention there really is something shit about HAVING to move and not wanting to. Being forced to leave the house we call home with nowhere of our own to go.

I know it could be worse, I know, I know. But I am feeling very anxious about it. I am sulking internally about it.  It’s not even like we have an end-date in sight. We will literally be there for however long it takes us to find a new house.  So, in the meantime, next weekend we have to take our entire house worth of furniture and belongings to a storage unit and lock it away.  I’ll be taking myself, some clothes, this laptop and my hamster and moving in with my to be in-laws where me and my fi will sleep in single beds in a room with no tele and no lock.  MEH.

Fiancé’s Birthday

House move aside, it was my fiancé’s birthday yesterday.  He had a nice day.  I had arranged lunch out at his favourite restaurant with the kids and his rents in the afternoon, had a birthday cake for him the afternoon and then surprised him at the pub in the evening with his two best friends turning up.  He seemed very happy and thanked me so many times telling me how loved he felt.  That felt good, I hope he does feel loved because he makes me feel like that.

My Dad did something which I really liked yesterday too. He sent my fi a birthday card in the post with a gift voucher in but he drew a silly picture on the envelope which is a bit of an “in-joke” we have with him.  It made me burst out laughing when I saw it and there is just something about that small, silly gesture which has played on my mind all weekend.  I really, really liked that he did that.  It felt so nice.  I’ve questioned several times, what is it that I like about it so much and I am not entirely sure.  My fiancé thinks it’s some kind of validation about my choice in partner  – that despite all the bollocks going on with my family, that him sending a card with a little in-joke picture on it, kinda says “I like him”.  Perhaps he is right.

My mother, needless to say, did not text my fiancé to wish him a happy birthday.  I can’t work out if I am surprised about that or not. In one sense it would be a hugely hypocritical move to make when she’s been slating him BUT because she is still denying that and blaming him for my not talking to her, I guess why would she?

I think it’s a good thing for my sake that she didn’t.  And for his because I know he wouldn’t have replied to her and that may have potentially set my guilt off – you must reply to a “nice” message right? I know it’s silly really.

Other Family

Last week was my best friend’s 30th birthday, one of my brother’s 21st birthdays, my sister’s birthday AND my fiancé’s yesterday.  Obviously my best friend and my brother’s birthdays aren’t issues here but my sister having her birthday a week after that stupid ambush was.  I really didn’t know what to do about it or how to/whether to acknowledge it.

I decided to send her a birthday card in the post (to my mother’s house – awks) with a gift voucher in for her favourite shop.  I kept the message short, have a lovely day etc, love me, my fi and the kids.  On her birthday morning I text her to say happy birthday and she replied to say thanks and thanks for the card and voucher.  That was that.  I knew that last night, the closest Saturday night to her birthday she was going out to celebrate with her work friends.. and my mother and stepfather (of course).  That played on my mind a bit and I don’t even really know why.

My aunty is currently going through radiotherapy for a brain tumour and I decided to send her a message on Friday. I wasn’t sure if I would get a response or what the response would be like because this aunt is “close” with my mother.  They regularly have parties together and so she would have heard my mother’s side of this plus just as an added extra, she was there 3 years ago when I confronted my mother for the first time and she was hugging my mother as she cried – so clearly she isn’t going to be very supportive of me and my feelings in all of this.  Anyway, I text and said that I was thinking of her and hoped her treatment was going okay and she did reply Friday night.  She stuck to the facts of her treatment, which sound horrific, I feel very sad for her but am glad I sent something. It’s eased my conscience a bit I guess as selfish as that sounds.

My nan is playing on my mind now. I want to send her a message and ask her how she is but I’ve been putting it off.  I have been expecting a fall out with my nan since me and my mother fell out. It hasn’t happened yet but I am absolutely certain it will and I really, really don’t want it to.  1) because I love my nan and her turning on me would be bloody painful but also 2) I am so totally emotionally tired of fighting and arguing and even if I didn’t “respond”, it would then be on my mind and I don’t want it to.  Meanwhile I feel bad for not contacting her just in case she doesn’t do that and I’m missing out on potential normal contact.

Diet/Food

Anyone who follows me on Instagram will have probably seen the occasional food pic and #SlimmingWorld etc.  I’ve been on Slimming World since January and I can honestly say, it’s really good!! I’ve never really followed a proper diet plan before – only ever counted calories or restricted certain foods.  What I am enjoying on SW is that I am learning how to cook a lot of real food, you know, proper healthy, homemade meals.  The biggest change for me has been planning ahead but also, not using jars!  In an average week I would cook a spaghetti Bolognese, perhaps a chilli and then maybe buy a few ready meals that you just heat up in the oven, like a shepherd’s pie, a fish pie or something like a lasagna etc.  No more!! No I am making healthy foods from scratch, including the sauce and it’s delicious!

In terms of weight loss, I’ve lost 7lbs since New Year but more like 10lbs since about November time where I weighed more than I did at the start of this.  I feel a lot better, my jeans fit much better and my stomach feels much flatter.

Today for breakfast I made myself and my fi a bacon and tomato omelette which is totally “syn free” and am currently cooking a beef stew in my slow cooker which will cook slowly until this evening.  It looks and smells great already.  Not particularly exciting I know, but I am strangely enjoying it. If anyone is tempted to try any SW recipes, look on Google there are so many to choose from but some of my favourites are the Diet Coke chicken, pizza topped chicken, syn-free chips and the chilli con carne. All delicious and you don’t feel like you are on a diet with them at all!

Other than those tasty treats, I am drinking hot water with lemon in and that is tasty and meant to be good for weight-loss and detoxing too! #WINNING.

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6 thoughts on “Dear Diary…

  1. How gut wrenching regarding the house. I hope you find something else soon, because when you have experienced independence, it makes it feel a little like you are going backwards doesn’t it when moving in with the parents? as much as you get on with them.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Whether your own or his, it would still feel the same. Such a shame the house fell though. Keep looking and I hope you find something you both like very soon. x

        Like

  2. It’s really nice of your in-laws-to-be to step up and offer you a place to live, but aaarrrgggh, the lack of privacy would do my head in after about a week. I hope you find a new place quickly.

    Liked by 1 person

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