The dream that knocked me for six

Ugh.

Last night I had the most horrendous dream. I remember there was arguing between my mother and I, and that my sister was very upset and begging me to make up with her. I refused to because she still hadn’t validated me at all and was still trying to act like nothing had happened.

Next, she had wrapped a rope around her neck and jumped into a hole of water in the ground (a bit like a small circular pond), she had tried to kill herself. Somehow, and I can’t remember how now, I ran and pulled the rope and my sister out and she was just about alive, I untied the rope from her neck and she collapsed onto me. She was sobbing and so was I, although I was so scared that I was shouting at her in anger, that I couldn’t believe she would do that. She was totally broken and now so was I.

I felt horrendous grief and fear and sadness but also so much guilt. If I had made up with my mother, she wouldn’t be feeling so desperate. I could have saved her from nearly killing herself and yet I was nearly the cause of her suicide!

I woke up from this dream in the night and was sweating and frightened but fell back to sleep somehow.

Today though…. well today has been so, so tough. I have felt such a sadness all day. I feel very low and lethargic. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. I’ve thought about my sister constantly as you might imagine.

I know it’s only a dream but god it’s had such a horrible impact on me.

So what does it mean? Is it symbolic of my fear that my sister really will do something to herself? I mean I wouldn’t say that was impossible as she has always suffered with depression (even though she currently claims she’s managed to put it all behind her…. cough!).

Is it symbolic that she wants or needs me to save her?

Is it symbolic of my guilt? My worry for her?

When she came over last week with her Dad and my fiancé asked her if she would still want a relationship with me even if I never spoke to our mother again she said something quietly like “oh god”. She cried a lot, several times. She clearly wants my mother to stop crying and she clearly wants all the drama and fighting to stop. She’s not alone.

Today I feel utterly defeated, low, fed up, depressed (not properly but you know). I feel so exhausted from everything.

I don’t have the energy for all of this. It’s messages that trigger me, cause me to feel such huge anxiety, play on my mind, make me feel scared and nervous. There’s seeing people who are intimidating and of course invalidating, there’s the guilt I feel towards the people I leave behind like my sister… there’s the guilt I feel (rightly or wrongly) towards my mother who, despite her abuse is so personality disordered that she has no idea what’s going on or what she has done – who, in her own way, in her own head, is grieving for me somehow…

and then there’s me grieving the loss of being able to “get” at my mother in the way I’ve always needed and wanted to. My grief that half of my so called family are so invalidating and turning on me for having feelings…

The fear every time the doorbell rings.

The fear that someone will die whilst this is going on and I’ll hate myself. Perhaps I feel it would be my fault… just like the dream.

It’s all just a bit too much for me today. Today it is just overwhelming me. Today I don’t feel like I can cope or that I have the strength to carry on.

And annoyingly, this weekend I had felt quite pleased that I had managed to proactively make plans. I saw friends, walked in nature, celebrated one of my brother’s birthdays, started packing my house, felt proud of my weight loss etc – my fiancé even said how well I was doing despite it all.

Today I’m not doing well at all.

11 thoughts on “The dream that knocked me for six

  1. I’m sorry things are so tough. I think you’re dealing with it really well. But is analysing your dreams and making yourself feel worse helpful to right now? Dealing with the feelings of the reality of what is happening now is more than enough to cope with. Dreams are your brains way of trying to process things. Feel the feelings by all means but maybe accepting that the dreams are a result of you being overwhelmed. I don’t know what your T thinks and this probably will be seen as invalidating, but I don’t believe in making people feel worse. Take care lovely x

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    1. I always analyse my dreams. Can’t help it, it’s just automatic these days lol. To be honest the analysing of it hasn’t made me feel worse, it’s hard to explain but just the feelings the dream gave me and got me in touch with us the hard bit. Thank you xxx

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  2. You are doing well, you are, you are, you are. You don’t feel good today, and I’m so sorry to read that, but you are doing well. Doing well with it doesn’t have to mean feeling okay all the time, it’s carrying on even though it feels so awful and painful and confusing. It’s not running back and trying to smooth things other and instead staying with the pain because it will take you somewhere better. I’ve had loads of distrurbing dreams the past 6 months, they really stay with you don’t they? I hope tonight is a more settled sleep xx

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    1. Oh thanks love 😰 it’s totally too much today. I guess you’re right that feeling it and staying with it is the key, but it’s just so bloody soul destroying sometimes. The temptation to “fix” it all is so strong.

      I’ve struggled with disturbing dreams since my therapy got going a few years ago, one dream impacted me so badly I cried for days and ended up in hospital having tests for physical pain (down there!!) – they can be so convincing can’t they?

      I am so tired right now, I think maybe an early night is needed hey.

      I hope your session went well today? Did your T help to validate you after N’s friend’s Mum? X

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      1. Yep completely! And she reminded me that soon (in September) N will be at a new school and none of her friend’s Mum’s will know my Mum and it will be so much easier (N is going to a different school from all her friends, in a village outside the town where we live). Still hard!! But easier.

        Oh wow, that’s crazy about that dream! My psyche is throwing all manner of crap at me too, it’s horrific! As if daytime wasn’t enough…

        Yep, early night sounds like a good plan for you 🌙✨

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      2. Oh good!!!! There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, thank heavens! You can start again and not worry about all their opinions and comments etc. That’s so good. Set a countdown app thing And start counting down the days!!!

        I know, I know it’s just our brains processing but Jesus it’s mean cx

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  3. That sounds really horrible and upsetting. I remember having a lot of disturbing dreams as well when I first started to speak out negatively about my mother and “left” her (metaphorically, she had already been dead many years) and the good news is they *do* pass.

    Maybe there is something to your feeling that the dream might be related to feelings of guilt about leaving your sister behind or that she needs or wants you to save her (a kind of survivor guilt?) – but I think it could be helpful to frame it a bit differently from how you are right now. Going “back in” may not save your sister at all, especially if she is not really ready to pull away from your mother herself. More likely it will just hurt you. I reckon the best thing you can possibly offer your sister is to continue making a new and firmly-boundaried life for yourself that she *could* be part of if she genuinely wants to and for her to see that boundaries aren’t “punishment”, they are a healthy choice and a way to live a calmer and happier life. Lead by example and she may follow.

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  4. You psyche is working as it needs to Twink and its only natural you would be feeling all of these painful feelings, difficult as it is to have such a dream. It must be such an agonising position to be in, as I am sure you love your sister and see she doesnt have the same kind of strength and when we are honest and real it does challenge others. I know with my other sister she always took Mum’s side when I confronted her on issues but my Mum at least would at times say a begruding sorry. Try to stay strong not that that means you wont feel all of this, those fears are very real and you just have to try to nuture your inner child and hold her hand through all of this. Sending you love ❤

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  5. Even if your sister does harm herself, it is NOT your fault. A tactic some use is to threaten self harm or suicide, and that is emotional blackmail. My abuser brother threatened suicide many times. Some also make suicide threats. I had a former friend make self harm and suicide threats and she did carry the threats out – she would send harm, show me the wounds in photos and say I “made” her do it. She would talk to me about how she’s going to drink drive, OD on her meds, then end the conversation saying it’s my fault if she did crash get car. Then she’d return saying she ran red lights at high speed while so drunk that she couldn’t walk straight. Even if your sister hurts herself because of this, it is NOT your fault. Really.

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