Advice Please: Do I send the letter? (Edited comment at end of blog)

This Goodbye Mother letter is playing heavily on my mind.

I really think I want to send it. It is the only one I’ve ever wanted to send. The others helped just to write them but I always chickened out of sending them because I wasn’t yet ready for the consequences of her never speaking to me again.  Now it is different because I have finally accepted the truth and now I do not want to speak to her.

People on a forum I’m on (Out Of The Fog) have wisely advised me that sending the letter isn’t always a great idea.  Some people have suggested that it could be used against me, showed to people, put on social media and used as part of a fresh smear campaign.  Some people suggested I was wasting my energy sending it and some said it was good to write it but not to actually send it – that it was a wasted attempt at getting an answer or apology.

But here’s the thing

I seriously DON’T want a response.  I do not want a reply. I do not want a letter back or for her to phone me and ask for us to meet and talk.  I am done.

My reasons for sending it are as follows:

  1.  It feels like closure.  I am setting out MY side, uninterrupted and uncensored.  It is the total truth and I am telling MY story not fearing the consequences.
  2. Something about it feels like I am owning my power.  I don’t mean that in a narcissistic way but it feels like sending it empowers me more. Somehow it makes me feel less like a scared little girl and more like an empowered and strong woman owning her story.
  3. It prevents me feeling like I owe any further explanations for my no contact.  There cannot be any words of how she doesn’t know what she has done.
  4. I get the chance to respond to her lies – that I have lost my mind, gone crazy, been brainwashed, am obsessed with my therapist.
  5. I get the chance to say “no more”.
  6. I get the chance to tell her she is NOT invited to our wedding.
  7. I get the chance to give the money back – AND document it.

BUT… what I want to know is, what do you guys think? Do can you see the reasons I want to send it? Do you think it is a bad idea?

The only thing I am sure of is that the letter genuinely isn’t hoping for a nice, empathetic response. I am not expecting any of it to get through to her. It isn’t meant as punishment either.  I do get that I can know and own my truth and my story without sending it.. but I don’t want to feel any guilt that perhaps she doesn’t know how I feel fully or perhaps she will contact me soon or right before my wedding.. it kinda makes me feel like I get to end the whole situation in some way.

Comments?

[EDIT] – Thank you to everyone who has commented. I have read them all but am too tired to respond directly right now. I am going to bed now and will sleep on it but thank you all. I may not have wanted “don’t send it” to be the response but I am sure you are all thinking of me and so I need to listen to you all – as shit as that it.  Thank you x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Advice Please: Do I send the letter? (Edited comment at end of blog)

  1. Dear Twink: I am hesitant to say this – you know I am totally on your side (heck, my Mother was a Queen in Narcissism World) but I vote for not sending it.

    Right now – YOU have the last word. You are clear in your mind and your heart about her and all her shenanigans.

    Send it – and you give her the chance at the last word. (Do you really think she will hold back from using it against you in as many ways as possible?)

    Your eternal silence towards her will thunder in her head – your silence will demonstrate *your* ultimate victory over her – you have escaped her bondage.

    (Your letter will seem to her delicious – as you struggle in her chains – That’s how it seems to me – please forgive me if I am going too far here.)

    Sending you tender care. TS

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I agree to not send this as she will use it and then you’ll have another period of time unearthing more untruths and sifting through what she has told others. But I do think you should send something, so that the sense of being suspended and not knowing what will happen is over. Something short and to the point, with nothing for her to get her hooks into. E.g. “This letter is to inform you that I am cutting all contact with you, for reasons I expect you are already aware of (she’ll say she isn’t, but it alludes to fact this isn’t out of the blue). I wish you to stop all contact with me via phone, text, email, letter, other people, etc.” You don’t need to say she’s not invited to the wedding, because that is an obvious side effect of cutting contact. My personal sense is that you will have some peace when you’ve informed her (and are then free to ignore any communications from her) as at the moment it kind of feels like things are left hanging. Feel free to ignore this! Thinking of you xxx

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I sent a letter to my mum and I made sure I went over every part to make sure there wasn’t any emotion, just facts and the boundaries I was laying down with the reasons. I said I would only visit her with someone with me because of the lies and allegations that always followed. I said if any of this happened when I was there I would have to leave and come back another time. The last thing I wrote was to write back and say what she thought. She did disown me. She did start a smear campaign. My reason for keeping it free of anything that could be interpreted as accustion (in an angry way) meant her back really was to the wall because she couldn’t have interpreted any of it in a mean way and the content was all entirely fair.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Love I agree with everyone to not send. I can hear how much you want to, and it will no doubt be frustrating to not have us all saying send send send! But I don’t think you’ll get the things you’re after, or at most you’ll have them temporarily. She will react, either to you directly or via family. There’s a strong chance you’ll be preoccupied once you send it… Has she read it, what has she said, what will she do, why hasn’t she done anything yet… so even if she does nothing you’ll be unsettled if your mind is wondering.

    You are already owning your story and your power, and I believe once you settle into this mindset a bit more, you’ll realise that part of your power is *not* having to spell the situation out for her, or you. You do not have to justify yourself, to anyone, unless we’re talking about matters of the law 😁. You’ve already explained quite enough, in different ways on several occasions, and the reason I imagine you’re feeling like you need to do more is because she’s basically ignored everything you’ve told her so far, and thus she’s still been able to influence you and make you feel like you don’t have full control over this without getting her to acknowledge her failures/respect your wishes, but you do have full control.

    When my narc-ish ex has contacted me over the years, I’ve felt back under his influence and control immediately. I’ve often wondered of the things I could say, wanting him to have that lightbulb moment when he realises all he’d done, and apologise, or just back off or something. But we know from experience these narc types don’t work that way right? It’s against their hard wired nature. The most power I have felt is when he contacted me most recently before Christmas, and I finally blocked him after your suggestion! It felt odd, not possible, not right, I worried about many scenarios. And forgive the comparison as an ex is not the same as a parent, but I owe him nothing, and nor do you owe her. She has made her bed and laid in it a million times over, she’s been on borrowed time for years with how patient and polite you have been to be quite honest!

    Maybe write us another post, in response to how this all feels after reading everyone’s advice? See where your words lead you?

    Xxxxx

    Liked by 6 people

  5. I don’t know that I can offer advice as such, all I can do is talk about what I’ve done myself and how that turned out. Sorry, it’s really long.

    I did send a goodbye letter of sorts to my father and have not been in contact since then, but that was a rather different situation. We were at a stage in both of our lives when there was nothing important coming up that might complicate the situation or act as an excuse for contact – I was 51 and not in a relationship, with a grown-up child who was not likely to have any children of her own any time soon. He is in his 70’s and all that is likely to happen from here on in is him getting sick and/or dying. Also, he is not a narcissist. He is a garden variety selfish asshole who is emotionally lazy and will not “pursue” me over this. The letter (or rather email) that I ended up sending him was much watered down from the original long and angry version I wrote for myself. I have also written for myself what I call my “eulogy for a shit dad”, which is as it sounds, how I will handle it when he eventually dies. I am comfortable with my decisions and with my lack of relationship now. I feel at peace.

    Could I have done anything similar with the actively narcissistic and abusive people in my life? And would it have been a good idea if I had? I tend to think not.

    My narcissistic mother died suddenly in a car accident aged 58, but we had gradually reduced contact over the years anyway. She moved interstate with my sister immediately after my brother and I finished high school and left us behind to fend for ourselves. Later she moved back to the country of my birth and eventually ended up living in a small country town over three hours’ drive from the nearest international airport, she refused to “childproof” her house when my daughetr was a toddler which made visits rather a nightmare and she didn’t reach out at all to her granddaughter in other ways, and yet she still managed to twist ALL of this this into “my children have abandoned me”. I was perplexed and kind of shocked at people saying nice things about her at her funeral, because it seemed so at odds with the person I knew. I think that if I had sent her a letter pointing out all of her faults and the cruel things she had done to me she would have played the victim and garned the sympathy of all our family and I would not now have the good relationship I have with them. In recent years my sister and aunty and I have bonded more closely over similar stories of her abuse, but that is something which we have only ever discussed between us privately.

    With the malignant narcissist who was bullying me in the re-enactment group, my formal complaint against him was to have been the equivalent of your goodbye letter, a way of “showing everyone” what he was really like. From my interactions with him previously I was already well aware that confronting him directly would be completely pointless, because he was so deep in denial. A whole lot of bureaucratic roadblocks got put in the way of the complaint and I ended up withdrawing it before he was even aware I had made it, and in retrospect I am highly relieved that it did not proceed. Formal complaints against him in the past did not seem to have changed other people’s opinion of him – he played the victim, everyone else continued to excuse and work around his abusive behaviour. If it had been successful there is a high chance that he would have retaliated, possibly violently (I already knew he was capable of assault and vandalism).

    In short, I’m just not sure whether you’ll gain anything by sending a letter to your mother. It’s not her you have to convince.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. This is a tough decision. I confronted my parents on their abuse and I have zero contact with any of my siblings and extended family now. I don’t know why, I imagine they have painted a picture of me being a monster and they play the victim. It’s rough. I can’t say if it’s right for you to send it or not. In the end, you have to do what you feel is right for you. I think you have been offered a lot of really good things to consider here so far on both sides of ti so I will only share my experience and leave it at that. Thinking of you as you navigate this. I know the amount of mental energy and space thais takes.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I loved the letter you wrote. It almost brought me to tears when I read your other post.
    Personally, I think don’t send it yet. It seems like an opportunity for her to continue fighting and bothering you.
    Talk to your t obviously and decide.

    Like

  8. The reasons you want to send it is the reason I sent mine.
    It allowed the truth to finally be told, my wishes to be heard, and in my mind closure. No one else’s reson’s matter. It is what will give you that peace you are looking for.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I think you should send it. I think it takes the stress off your shoulders and gives you clarity and closure. If she were to post it, ignore the hate. You know the truth and that is all that matters. Take care of yourself, okay?

    Like

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