Goodbye Mother

I’ve been told countless times not to dignify your lies with a response, not to waste my energy on you but quite frankly I’ve reached my limit and I have a few things to say.

Take yourself back in time to when you were not much younger than I am now. Do you remember deciding to become estranged from your father because he committed the ultimate sin of slagging you off to your sisters? Do you remember how you decided to cut him out your life, never look back and deny his existence – to the point that when he died you didn’t care and you didn’t shed a tear. You didn’t go to his funeral. As a side to this you therefore became estranged from your sister, Linda for many years who couldn’t believe you could do that to him and who continued to have a relationship with him.

Well, I would like to congratulate you on your ability to rewrite history as you have just done the same thing your father did and have caused the same fallout for me and my sister. The same dysfunction has repeated itself, this time with you being in your father’s role and yet still believing you are the victim! Its madness.

When we had our argument in October I had come to your house feeling happy and looking forward to a nice evening. The evening took a nose-dive and ended in disaster. We BOTH said some horrible things but I realise you seem to be leaving your part out when you relay your version of events to family members – again, painting yourself as the poor, innocent victim.

During that row and in messages a few days later I told you how I had felt growing up. I told you I felt unwanted, unloved and like a chore. I told you I felt that you never showed me love or affection, how you always put your men before me and how I still hurt from that. The purpose of me telling you that was in the hope you would self-reflect enough on your parenting choices to be able to look back and admit, yeah, you made some mistakes and some bad decisions. I had hoped you would say you were sorry for that and show some empathy that I had grown up feeling that way. I know if I had a daughter say those things to me I would be so upset that she felt that way – not angry with her for it. I would want to try to make her feel better in any way I could.

You can’t change the past or go back in time BUT you could show me you have some feelings about how I felt. I had hoped you would have admitted these things and said sorry and that would have helped to defuse a lot of my clearly pent up anger that made its way out to you 3 years ago and again in October.

But I was wrong. Because you didn’t “hear” me at all and all you did was deny any wrongdoing on your part, attack me with all the things that are wrong with me and then proceed to throw insults and fabrications that I am crazy and how I am “brainwashed” by my therapist. Zero empathy. You cared more about your hurt than mine. And so you say we should just agree to disagree and move on! Ha! Can you even really believe that? Do you really believe I should tell my mother how I feel and then just “move on” when she decides it didn’t happen and that she did nothing wrong?! Do you truly believe you were a doting, loving and maternal mother? Do you truly believe that your daughters were the best thing in your life? That I was the most important thing in it? If so, YOU are the crazy one – not me. You don’t get to decide if I am hurt or not: I do.

On the subject of my therapist I would like to clear a few things up. Firstly I go counselling ONCE a week. As part of your attempt at making people believe that it isn’t really YOU I am hurt with – but that I am crazy and brainwashed by her..surely you can see how insane that is? What parent in their right mind, what person in fact, would discourage counselling to somebody? Do you realise the fact you think I have been “brainwashed” by a therapist simply for believing that you are less than perfect makes you sound totally ridiculous? Honestly; do you believe it’s more likely that a professional is brainwashing me than you having made some mistakes?

What you can’t handle is that I used to sit at your house constantly and tell you every aspect of my life. Friends, boyfriends, work – any other drama. I would listen to your drama and you would tell me how I could make myself look better – better my hair, clothes and make-up, borrow YOUR clothes etc. You would tell me what to do about my boyfriend troubles or what to send in a text message, you would sit up late and talk to me about your own relationship issues – however personal. You would say I was your best friend and your “mini-me”. And then I grew up, got a nice boyfriend, inherited some step-children and moved away from that life. You hate that things changed. Nobody made that happen other than me. Not Paul, not a therapist. ME. It was (and is) my life choice and I am very happy with that. I enjoy my life and am a thousand times happier now then I’ve ever been. You should have been happy for me that my life had changed so positively, that I was in a happy relationship with a good guy that loved me, that I was happy – you claim that is all you’ve ever wanted.

You used to mock me for depending on you too much and tell me how I was needy and overly sensitive and now I’m brainwashed for not seeing you enough?!

You have been threatened by my counselling since day one. In fact you told me that there was nothing wrong with me and that I didn’t need counselling. Clearly you felt threatened by what I would find out – looks like you were right to worry hey?! But you were right, there wasn’t anything wrong with me, I just had some insecurities that stemmed from how I felt growing up. Feeling a chore, in the way, second best to other people and not loved. But yet again you should have put ME first and MY needs – that I felt I needed support to get over some traumatic things that have happened to me such as your boyfriend sexually assaulting me when I was a young teenager, watching my mother being physically attacked by men, living with men that were physically abusive to you (do you not think that was scary as hell for me and Lottie too? Getting calls during the night from the man saying he was sorry and not knowing what he had done to you? or pushing him out of our house after he had hurt you yet again? Or a man sexually abusive to me and yes, to help me be less insecure or “needy” or “sensitive”, but oh no! You came first in that too – you didn’t want me to go counselling due to your own fears and that was all that mattered.

Over the last 4 years you’ve told people that you never see me or hear from me and you’ve blamed that on my soon to be husband. It’s HIS fault – he’s manipulative and controlling and I’m not my true self around him! Haha. The irony of that lie is uncanny. The only one I have to put an act on around is you! I have to make sure I look nice enough, am happy enough, have no needs and am not too boring. (Do you remember calling me Saffy my entire childhood until I was old enough to drink and smoke?).

Do you remember how other girls my age always seemed to impress you more than I could? How you would show them affection that you could never show me? Girls like Rachel, Sally’s daughter Jennifer, Lucy, Harriett, Alana or Janie’s friend. All of them got what I never could and I would feel jealous of them for that – now I wonder if it was done on purpose. I learnt what I had to do to impress you, drink, smoke, gossip, date men, go to clubs. You took me clubbing before I was even 18 and would try to fix me up with men in their 40s and I would do whatever it took to try and feel your love and approval but it never lasted long.

Soon though it’s was no longer his fault but my therapist’s… anyone else’s fault but your’s I gather? None of these choices could be my own could they? I obviously don’t have my own mind.

You are constantly on the attack. Never for one second wondering if actually, you have a part to play in things and trying to self-reflect on them to make them better. I confronted you on some of the ridiculous lies I’ve been told (and believe me, not half as many as I’ve heard over the years!!) and you deny. You tell me it’s not true but I know it is, Lottie has told me detailed conversations you’ve had with her about Paul. She told us both, so are you saying she’s lying as well as anyone else you said it to? Probably.

Now moving on to Lottie. You try to tell people and act like you’ve never told her anything, that you wouldn’t discuss one of us with the other, that you would LOVE it if we got on well (apparently unlike Nan who you claim hates it when you and Julie get along!) but that is another lie. You tell Lottie things and discuss me with her to the point that she is brainwashed by your side and decides not to ask for mine. She wants to please you and keep you happy and so of course she turns on me too. You even text me to say this and the following day Lottie sent me loads of abuse about the reason we have fallen out, about my dad, the messages you’ve sent me on xmas day and nye, the money etc – she just made it all up did she? I’m not stupid. It’s one of the reasons you like to keep us apart, so we don’t get together and catch you out. I wonder who else you will try to isolate me from?

Regarding other family members, some will turn on me and believe your version of events without asking for mine and as painful as that will be for me, that’s fine. Anyone who knows me or loves me or was around when I was a child will come to me and ask for my side: and I will gladly tell them. The row between us shouldn’t end up in me being isolated from my family but perhaps that’s your idea of revenge or asserting your power. Carry on however you like, I will survive regardless and I will be okay.

Just last night Lottie text me to say that I have “gone crazy” that I have “no morals” as you’ve “paid for my wedding”. She told me you told her about the messages on xmas day and on nye and that you’ve “tried so hard” to make up with me. That’s laughable – is sending happy xmas or happy nye your idea of “trying”? Really? She also told me that I’ve ignored your messages!! We both know that’s another lie as I replied to both. The only one message I’ve ignored from you was the one you sent saying you loved and missed me 2 MONTHS after our row and I ignored that because what was the point in it? Where was the I’m sorry – the let’s talk? It was another attempt at sweeping any issues under the rug which is what you’ve always done. But you’ve told her and probably cried to her and she has believed you. Again, you shouldn’t have told her ANYTHING. But you did and you always do, just like the time you told me Lottie was “so angry with me” that I wasn’t going to Grace’s hen do after you told her how upset YOU were. You have to have one of us on your side, the shoe has been on the other foot many times and I should have realised then, that wasn’t right or fair but that is the benefit of hindsight.

Just like the abuse I suffered – we had to act like that never happened because what was it you said? Oh yes “we can’t all sit around feeling sorry for you”. Nice one. God forbid you would have worried about MY feelings and how I was dealing with it – again, your needs were more important than mine just like they’ve always been.

Lottie says I shouldn’t have taken the money for the wedding from you (I asked how she knew this and apparently you gave her the same amount!) if I have been harbouring such a grudge for so long. I will clear that up for you here also. I never planned for that argument to happen, I’ve been trying to deal with my feelings on my own my whole life – I had no idea we would end up in that argument and as I have said above, had no idea you would simply ignore my pain and not try to make it better.. I therefore had no intention that we wouldn’t speak at any stage, yet alone for months! And so no, I didn’t take any money in bad faith. But you can tell people that if it helps you to sleep better at night.

On the note of the money, we had already spent it but we are returning you the £5k you sent us now as we do not want or need that lie hanging over us as we plan the best day of our lives. I doubt you’ll tell people this but though, it won’t fit the rest of your story will it? I didn’t realise that money was given with terms and conditions but hey, whatever.

So to summarise- I confronted you for slagging me and my fiancé off, I told you the ways I felt growing up and how I am still upset over it, not to punish you but in the hope you would take a proper look at yourself, hoping you would have a heart to heart with me and apologise for making me feel that way and that it would allow me to move on – remove my pent up anger and allow us to have a healthier and better relationship. That didn’t happen. Since then you have played the victim and told family that I am crazy, brainwashed and various other lies in the hope of painting me the villain and you the good guy and trying to isolate me from them. What mother does that? You have also slagged me off and lied to my sister about me to the point that she is literally sending me abusive messages with your words – if anyone is brainwashed it is her but she will be your golden child now, you always need one of us to be by your side reflecting well on you and making the other one the bad guy.

As long as Lottie agrees with you and sits up drinking with you regularly she should do well! But she has a short memory considering the many, many nights she has spent crying to me and Paul about you and how she felt growing up and how she has suffered with depression her whole adult life because of it – depression which she used to cry to us about as YOU couldn’t handle it and didn’t believe it or understand it: of course you couldn’t! It didn’t look good on you – nobody had it bad. A daughter of yours could not have any mental health issues could they? What would people think? Imagine having one with depression and one going counselling! God forbid.

Lottie’s depression will go away for a while now she has you putting her in the spotlight of golden child – whilst you both scapegoat me and team together to turn against me the evil child who is crazy and brainwashed. It would be laughable if it wasn’t so sad.

Lastly, and much less importantly I DID NOT delete or block anyone from Facebook, I simply deactivated my account.

As for my father, and your anger around the fact that I have him in my life and not you, let’s just say that at least one of you were able to self-reflect and apologise for things they have done or not done. And so I am doing with him what I hoped to do with you, build a stronger more healthy relationship and move on from the past. Funny you don’t think I should “get over” or “move on” from what you perceive as his wrongdoings though, just your’s.

I wonder if you see any history repairing itself here or whether you are too far in denial to even reflect properly on any of this. I know the answer to that already.

I am now moving on from all of this as it’s pointless me wasting any more of my time or energy on. I am no longer hoping for you to have an epiphany – I was naïve to think that was possible. You will not change or become who I need you to be, you’ve shown me that consistently. If you couldn’t do it when I was a helpless child you sure as hell aren’t going to be able to now I’m a 30 year old woman. I’ve poured my heart out and you didn’t care.

I am moving house in a few weeks and will then be planning my wedding day – without your money and I will not be sending an invitation your way unless you suddenly see the error of your ways which, judging by what happened with you and your dad, won’t ever happen. That is your choice.

As for the rest of the family I will invite them all and anyone too scared to upset you can decline. Anyone who only hears your side and wants to cut me off to – is welcome to.

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8 thoughts on “Goodbye Mother

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