My Mother… Smearing

So I haven’t got time to write a proper blog but needed to write this quickly…

I went to see my Aunty tonight, the one I’ve written about a lot recently, the one my mother is not longer speaking to because she was “being disloyal” to her by continuing to speak to me…. anyway, we obviously discussed everything and this is what I’ve just found out:

1) my mother has told everyone that I am obsessed with my counsellor and go to therapy 4 times a week.

2) that I think (and I quote) I am “so hard done by and had a terrible childhood” – sense the mocking tone of that: and lastly

3) My mother has told my Grandparents that I’m no longer speaking to her because I had such a terrible childhood and my grandparents are allegedly horrified, shocked and disappointed in me….

I have a lot to say about this and I’m having a lot of thoughts about it all. I can’t make much sense out of it at the moment but I’m starting to think that perhaps she genuinely doesn’t think she’s guilty of treating me badly when I was a child. Until now I thought she knew she was a shit mum but was just incapable of apologising, now I wonder if she truly doesn’t think she has anything to apologise for. (I know: wake up and smell the coffee).

At least I have some insight to her I suppose.

18 thoughts on “My Mother… Smearing

  1. Not remotely surprised that this is what your mum is saying. Doesn’t make it true though. I can imagine how you’re feeling about all of this. Just know that the people who truly know you and who truly matter, know the truth.

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      1. It really is. And it’s personal, so it’s hard not to take it on board. But you will never win with these type of people. The key is to learning how to let it wash over you, because ultimately, people who wish you harm or hurt do not matter and have no place in your life at all. You can’t control your mothers outlook or defences, you can only control how you let it affect you. But it isn’t easy, I totally get that. Sending hugs xx

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  2. I think you’re probably right that your mum genuinely doesn’t think it was that bad. I wonder what my own mum even remembers of her rages and running off and leaving us and all the crazy abuse and threats to kill herself. NPD is almost like an extreme form of dissociation, it’s a defence mechanism of the extremist kind. I don’t know if it’s the same for your Mum, but I know my Mum is just so broken and damaged that her false self is pretty much real, so she does think the problem is everyone else. And I guess when she gets a glimpse of the reality, that she has wrecked the lives of her 3 children because of how she’s been (without apportioning blame here, she had a shit life too, but this is what happened), then that is so deeply shameful and awful for her that she pushes it far, far away. I think you’re on to something with her not getting how bad your childhood was – she can’t let herself see maybe, it would hurt too much. So she just doesn’t see it. Sending hugs, sifting through invalidation and gaslighting like this sends me to a-whole-nother level of crazy. You can do this, it will get easier as you learn to believe yourself xxx

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  3. Everybody lives in the version of the truth that makes them the most comfortable, even if that’s not reality. That’s where your mom appears to be. It’s really too bad that she’s willing to let her own kid just slip away from her. I’m glad you have at least one ally in your aunt, but the whole situation is still crummy for you.

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  4. That’s a harsh and painful realisation about your mum. I’m sorry that she’s turning other people against you, that just adds to the burden of what she has done to you.

    I know the quote you added below your post was intended to be inspirational, but “trusting people will eventually see the truth” is naive and in some circumstances outright dangerous. The majority of people WON’T see the truth, or won’t be bothered to look further than what a narcissist says if they’re getting what they want out of the relationship. Narcissists rely on this passivity. While you won’t gain anything by dealing directly with a narcissist except being hurt more, it is worth advocating for yourself to people who are being told lies about you. If nothing else it will tell you whom you can trust. Those who are prepared to listen and believe, or at least to re-examine their previous beliefs based on what you say, are the sort of people it is worth being around. People who refuse to even consider what you are saying or who attack you for it are people you need to stay well clear of. By all means “be the better person” and “rise above it” in terms of the language and intent you use to correct what your mother is saying to other people, but DO tell them the truth. It’s not about getting back at her, it’s about protecting yourself.

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    1. Thank you. It is a harsh realisation. T said I had to believe she knew to keep myself safer and now I’m more able to see things for how they are. I said I’m not sure what’s worse!

      I’ve read so much about narcissism and that a narc will try and isolate you and will smear you but when it happens it’s still jaws do believe. Particularly when it’s your mother.

      I get what you’re saying here. I just meant if people want to take her words as gospel I can’t be bothered fighting to tell them my side – if they actually came to me directly I would try.

      I’ve really seen this week how well my mother makes people believe she’s a poor, helpless victim and how I really am the bad guy here with totally unfounded accusations. It makes me so angry when I’ve genuinely not smeared her name or tried to turn anyone against her yet she is doing that to me and people still think she’s innocent! Xx

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  5. Your mother, like a looottt of abusers,is living the version of the story that makes her most comfortable, even if it isn’t the truth.

    Like how my parents believe they’re good parents (my dad literally says he’s “sorry for only being perfect and not super perfect”), and my abuser brother believes he helped me become a functioning adult (when he gave me the 2 most memorable traumas of my life.)

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      1. Haha, I thought I was “too sensitive” and “overreacting” for being absolutely furious at my dad and brother!

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