I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has helped me the last few days to talk about this current rupture with T. Your comments on my letter and your advice and validation generally helped me so much. Thank you.
I sent the letter to T by email (not text!!) about 6pm yesterday. She replied just over an hour later. The first thing I did was scroll to see the length of her reply – was it a decent length? It was. Phew. Then I allowed myself to actually read what it said.
Her email basically validated the pain I was in, said she understood that I wanted to run away from it because it was so painful and so deep. She said that she was sorry her mistake had caused me to get in touch with such pain but said that she felt us being able to work with it would be very helpful. At this point I questioned whether she sent it to me on purpose but I am sure that isn’t true.
Anyway, she offered me a session by phone Friday afternoon and I sat and deliberated whether or not I wanted to accept for a few hours. Eventually after many more tears and conversations with my fiancé, I decided I should accept it. He pointed out that I clearly WANTED her to offer me a session which is true.. and he said that if I didn’t accept it then what was the point in the hope? He asked if I was just testing her and I felt a bit embarrassed because…. maybe I was?
I thought that speaking by phone about something this serious may not be the most sensible idea .. not being able to see her face and her movements and facial expressions… not having her physically there when I (no doubt) fall apart crying, but then I also thought that it gave me a chance to kind of hide away whilst I was being so totally vulnerable.
Anyway, I have accepted the session by phone tomorrow at 4pm. Think of me please!!
I am nervous about the session for two reasons. 1) Because well, CRINGE and 2) because I am scared that she won’t be able to say anything that makes me feel better. What if she isn’t able to give me a “reason” and therefore it doesn’t remove the pain and anger I am feeling? I just don’t want to be left with any more pain.
I am trying not to think about it too much. I need to face it tomorrow and I will… I will.
On another note, today is my Christmas Day with my Dad, Stepmum and brothers and their girlfriends. We will be leaving shortly to drive there. I am looking forward to seeing some of my own blood for the first time this Christmas and I hope that they aren’t all Christmassed out and bored of the festivities because it would be nice if it feels like Christmas and not just another normal day.
I am hoping that he is loving and makes me feel warmth and loved… I really could do with that at the moment. I am equally worried that I will become more of my child self if he is and worry that may open up a lot of the pain I am feeling currently… I have been worried that I may end up crying. I don’t think he has ever seen me cry?
Fingers crossed that doesn’t happen. Hopefully it is just a nice, fun day and we all enjoy each other’s company. Maybe one day I won’t have to feel anxious about going there!!