I really need to sit and blog about the last week or so, and I am yet to thank Sirena for nominating me for that amazing award and do my own post… I am sorry, I will get to it! It’s been so full-on here with Xmas prep.
Anyway, it’s, Christmas Day today. I’m sat on the sofa with a cup of tea wrapped in my new blanket (which is the softest thing I’ve ever felt!!). It doesn’t feel much like Christmas Day to be honest but yesterday was our Christmas Day with the kids and that was full of all the madness you would expect with us, 3 kids and the in-laws. The kids all enjoyed themselves and everything went to plan which is great.
Today I have had another message from my mother.
It says “have a great Christmas. Love you lots xx”
I’ve ignored it so far. She sent it on WhatsApp and I’ve only previewed it so it hasn’t got blue ticks. I think it’s put a dampener on my mood as since reading it, I’ve felt a bit sad. The way I see it is that if I reply, it opens up communication and if I don’t, I feel guilty. Neither seems a particularly great option…. so far I’ve done nothing.
I keep telling myself it’s just another day. We are not religious and so really it’s just a normal day, but something in me says that’s not true and that I’m kidding myself.
I feel guilty and sad that she will feel upset not having a reply from me on Christmas Day but equally feel that if she tried to accept some of her mistakes or said the word “sorry”, none of this would be happening. Sorry this is all rather repetitive.
Normally we would be heading there about now and I would receive a huge bag of gifts. I would get New pjs, a dressing gown, socks, some underwear, probably some sort of jewellery and lots more bits and bobs. I know material things mean nothing and I know they would feel “empty” somehow when given with a lack of love and affection… but… I have to admit it feels less Christmassy without all of that stuff somehow… being around people. Seeing my mum, stepdad, nan, grandad, sister… being around “people” seems to add to the spirit of Xmas and I guess today that is all missing and so my Christmas spirit seems to be missing a little too.
Anyway… I guess today was always going to be a little difficult for me. As always I wish things were different… I wish she could say sorry and we could try to move on. The reality of it all feels much more painful today.
Happy Christmas to you all – I hope you are all having a happy day full of love and cheer.