(Not sent. Spontaneously typed on the train home).
I’m writing this letter to you in response to your text on Friday.
I thought I should explain my feelings so that you understand why I am keeping the distance that I am.
You already know how I feel so I won’t go into detail about it again. I told you 3 years ago, I told you 6 weeks ago and again in the texts we exchanged a few days after that night.
I am not keeping distance because I am angry and hate you. However I do have some anger towards you.
The reason I am keeping my distance is as simple as this: whilst you are unable or unwilling to accept my pain, take some responsibility for it and apologise for that pain, I am stuck in that anger and can’t see a way for us to have a happy and healthy relationship.
Until I am no longer so hurt and angry, arguments like 3 years ago and 6 weeks ago will repeat themselves. And what’s more, the more you fail to respond in the way I need you to, the angrier I get and the probability is, the more regular those arguments will happen.
That isn’t fair on either of us.
So for me, until I feel differently I am trying to see how I can get rid of some of that pain and anger on my own. Without you doing that.
I haven’t yet given up the hope that you will have some sudden epiphany and see my pain for what it is: genuine sadness and not anything else like, baring a grudge or aggressiveness which is how I feel you see it. I don’t think you hurt me intentionally, but you did hurt me.
You can’t help the way you feel and you are completely entitled to your feelings of course: as am I. At the moment our feelings are too far apart.
I cannot push this under the rug any more. Mum, I have done that my whole life and I refuse to do so any longer.
I am sorry if you are sad or hurt, but so am I. This isn’t revenge just me being, once again, 100% honest.
So now you know how I feel.
Please do not respond unless you can offer me what I need because It will be pointless. I have thought long and hard about this letter and I mean what I say in it.
I do hope you have a nice Christmas.