I’m drunk, not in a bad way but I’ve had enough wine that I’m feeling that typical I love everyone glow.
And guess who I love right now? My T.
I love her and I admit it, I need her. I want her in my life.
But she did scare me. She really, really bloody scared me last week/weekend. I can see now with clearer more adult eyes that I projected a lot onto her and I can see that there was a hell of a lot of transference going on…. regardless of all that stuff, I was truly scared.
Yesterday in my session I felt very weird. I felt uneasy and confused. I couldn’t find the words to sum up my experience. I cried so much. I told T I wanted to relax but couldn’t. I was being pulled between her being good and her being bad.
I went for a long walk after and felt okay but when I got home I cried again, a lot. And then the guilt hit.
Shit.. I haven’t apologised. I haven’t said sorry. She must think I’m awful.
So I emailed her to say sorry and thank you and she replies a few hours later to say it was okay and that she understood. Her mail disappointed me again because it wasn’t as warm as I wanted it to be. As always though, it said enough that nobody else would agree with that. That feeling makes me wish I hadn’t emailed, it’s familiar.
I realised last night that the feeling I was having was familiar. Someone says or does something which worries me, I shit myself and get protective of myself. I get strong and angry. I act out. Then I realise at some point I was wrong or I went too far or something and I am hit with such a sadness and such a guilt. It’s hard to find the words to convey the guilty feeling. It’s awful sadness and fear I guess. Fear that I’ve fucked everything up.
T says “it’s okay”. She could be saying that in an honest, real “it’s okay!” (Calm down voice) or it could be a “it’s okay” (don’t do it again voice)… the one I think she’s using.
I noticed when I arrived yesterday that T looked … something. She looked like she had been crying maybe? Sad? Her face looked different and she didn’t seem as ….. happy? as usual. I worried about her. Why? Why was she crying? Was she crying about the things I had said about her? About having to see me again when she didn’t want to? Something else? It’s played on my mind since then a few times. Is she okay?
I’ve realised this week that the fact my trauma is about my mum and her emotional unavailability, her cruelty and everything else means that I need to see T as a replacement mother, a better mother, a “good enough mother” and yet I’m so clearly so scared that T will turn out like my mother did, that I’m unconsciously looking for evidence of her wrongdoing or bad traits… so it’s like half of me wants to find something and be like. “Ah hah! I knew it!” And yet the other half desperately can’t bare that to happen. To lose another Mum? To go through that loss twice? Oh no. I can’t.
The stuff going on right now is deep as ….
I don’t feel T is warm enough and I don’t feel she wants to help me enough and I don’t feel she (or anyone else) could possibly understand HOW BAD it hurts – and I also understand that perhaps all of those feelings are transference and understanding that makes me understand my “original trauma” more, or perhaps my unconscious trauma …. it helps me understand me more. And it’s painful.
That’s all deep from wine thoughts huh?!