What goes up…. 

I feel really down today. I’m sad, really sad. I have fought the temptation of not going to work the whole journey so far because I can feel in my entire body, in my bones, a really intense need to cry. To sob. 

I’m slightly surprised because I felt very strong on Friday, I even emailed my T to tell her that I felt a huge shift in my recovery. I meant every word. Now I feel like some sort of crazy person for being such a yoyo of emotion. Up one day and down the next, such extremes. 

It feels as though it’s been a while since I felt this sadness. It’s heavy. It’s in my body and in my brain. I feel like I’m so weak and so tired yet physically I’m standing and trying to keep going. It’s so tough. 

The reason for the sadness is this. Last night my fiancé told me that the reason he was quiet/down all day was due to how difficult he found Saturday evening (gathering at my aunt’s house with my mother). He said it’s just all so toxic and dysfunctional and that he always feels so on edge. He also said he finds it so twisted that everyone is so clearly slagging each other off and so and so hates x and x hates y…. he said that me and my mother were clearly trying to wind each other up and he found it very tough as he was constantly waiting for it to all kick off. He also added that it’s always a high-pressured environment to drink as much as you can and he doesn’t like that. 

Now, today I can honestly say that everything he said is right. It’s all true but what happened when he said this to me last night was that I felt attacked and I became very defensive and emotional. 

I felt like he was saying my whole family were fucked up. That everyone is toxic and that the environment is always drunk-fuelled and dysfunctional. I felt like that said something about me. That was a dig about ME. The thing is, all of those statements are sadly true. But why did I feel it was a reflection of me? I don’t know. 

His statement about how me and my mother were clearly winding one another up angered me because I felt he wasn’t “On my side”. I felt as though he was saying I was a bad as her. I also felt defensive because although yes I admit I probably did become a little passive aggressive, it was only in retaliation and deep down, inside me, I was so hurt and disappointed that situation was happening. Again. 

I see today that I was beginning to be sucked back in to her. I rather foolishly started to think things had maybe begun to change! I had seen her a few times recently, more than I have for a very long time and she had behaved well! I thought that it was my new boundaries and her finally not being able to push me around that was making our time together much more tolerable….. I was wrong. 

I feel so stupid. 

On Saturday night she did various things that upset or angered me and as I wrote yesterday, I had tears as I went to sleep and I wasn’t sure what the tears were for. I do now. 

I hate to admit that there is still a part of me that needs her mother. I hate to admit that she has left me feeling so grieved again. I hate myself for falling into the trap again and I hate her for not being who I want her to be. 

More objectively I can also see that it’s understandable for me to occasionally slip back into thought processes and that of course the child in me still yearns for her mother. I can also see that she is who she is and that I shouldn’t hate her for that because it’s only using up my energy. I need to learn to accept her for who she is and I thought I had. But I haven’t. 

Friday I felt as though I was at the top of a mountain and today I feel like I’ve fallen and I’m completely covered in rocks and I’m struggling to get out. 

I did become passive aggressive with her and I did do/say things to wind her up – I should have. The reason I did that was because she had (yet again) hurt me so deeply and disappointed me so much. She triggered my hurt and angry inner child and my inner child reacted from that place rather than from an adult place. 

I told my fiancé that he sounded righteous and obnoxious and that he made it sound like my entire circle were all distorted and fucked up and even said to him that I can’t spend my entire life only being around him, his parents and his kids! I realise today that I said that because I’m so jealous. I want so badly to have some “normal” family, some normal gatherings and I won’t ever have that. 

It isn’t righteous when it’s true is it. 

And today all of this and more things that I don’t have the words for are pulling me down and making me feel so much sadness and so much anger and so much disappointment. 

30 thoughts on “What goes up…. 

  1. oh 😦 Sorry you’re feeling like that. It’s going to take a long time to not fall back into old ways of dealing with your mum, so don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re doing really well, don’t forget that. I hope your day vastly improves x

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  2. Every time I feel a huge shift, it’s followed by a bit of a downer; don’t worry in my experience it’s all part of the process. Recovering from complex trauma is two steps forward and one back.

    My fiancè also finds my family hard because it’s riddled with dysfunction and like you, I know he’s right but get defensive and say we spend way more time with his family than we do mine etc.

    Sending you hugs, hope your day gets better X

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    1. Really? Thank you that is really reassuring (on all parts!). I don’t quite understand why I got so defensive when I know the dysfunction. I shouted at him through tears at one point “don’t you think I wished it could be different” and then I utterly broke down ….. so it was like it triggered a part of me that I had been repressing a bit or something.

      Why do our big shifts have to be followed but downers, it seems so unfair!

      Thanks for the hugs, I need them. I want to go to bed!! x

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  3. I’m sorry that you feel so today lovely. I’m certainly not laughing at your progress.
    It’s good that your fiancé is honest with you. That’s what a healthy loving relationship is based on, not that I would know anything about that. I didn’t get the impression that he was saying that you are as bad as your mother. He was just looking at it from the outside. I think, in time, you will learn that it’s pointless trying to make your mother feel anything. It’s better to stay out of the bitching and just walk away. I have to do that with my mother but in a different way.
    I think that it’s normal to feel sad after seeing your mother when your inner child wants her to behave like a mother and she doesn’t. Of course it will hurt. This is not a linear process. x

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    1. Thanks love. I feel so down, I just want to cry and sleep and I can’t, I’m at work and its taking all my strength to stay here and not ask to go home “ill” or something. I just cried in the toilet and its only 11.30am!

      I know he wasn’t saying I am as bad as her really, it just felt like that at the time. I totally agree with him/you/everyone that there truly is no point in trying to get her to feel anything. It must be me reacting from a triggered place or me suddenly in touch with hurt and anger that I, at other times, repress.

      I found myself trying sooooooo hard not to react to her – and I didn’t react how I may have done in the past – i.e. I didn’t “kick off” but I did react passively, trying to make her jealous and showing her how happy I was/how much fun I was having despite her attempts to piss me off… its very twisted and my fiancé is right.

      I know he has my best interests at heart and today I do agree with all he said yet I am so angry with him and I have no reason to me. I must be misdirecting my anger for her, onto him (which isn’t healthy) but I haven’t acted on anything. Its just how I feel inside. x

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      1. I understand. I’m talking to ‘customers’ on the whilst holding back what feels like a tsunami. I don’t know what to suggest but the emotions are better out than in. I am stubborn so I grit my teeth and get through it. You shouldn’t make yourself ill though with the stress.
        You’re reacted in a normal way to that conversation. You felt like you were being criticised and attacked so you defended yourself.
        You will learn not to react to your mother, but that takes time and more healing. x

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      2. Can you take a break or hide away and let out some of your feelings? have a little cry or something? I’ve just eaten a hot jacket potato with baked beans for comfort (really shouldn’t be comfort eating but hey!). All I want now is sleep so I’ll get an early night x

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      3. Not really. My breaks are timed. I don’t feel able to release it anyway. I have therapy on Friday so I will get through somehow. That’s actually a balanced meal! But good on you for practicing self care. An early night will do you good and it’s T day tomorrow I assume. Sending hugs x

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      4. Oh I feel for you. I don’t know what is worse! Yeah, tomorrow night. I have emailed her a copy of today’s blog and she’s replied nicely as usual but I’m not sure why I bothered because that hasn’t helped lol! xx

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      5. I know me either! 😩Yeah that’s usually the child needing T’s presence rather than just words. Not long now. I asked my T if she wants me to email my writing for the session thinking, please say no! I like to catch her off guard so that she can’t fabricate a response. x

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      6. Haha no I get your way of thinking too! You are trying to test/check she’s safe, reliable and honest! Totally get that. And I also wouldn’t send unless she replies to you question x

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  4. I really feel for as this shows what an up and down process healing from lack of support is and breaking such a powerful enmeshment is SO VERY VERY HARD. I had a partner who criticised my family and in the end it broke us. I don’t mean to say that to put a downer on things but the thing is it is very hard to hear criticism when a large part of you still longs for a much much better relationship with your mother.
    I can only say all your feelings are understandable and healing is such an up and down process. You just have to keep riding it and not allow the negativity and pain to pull you down too low with inner self judgement. Maybe you could own some of your sensitivity and defensiveness to your partner. If he loves you he should understand. Lots of love xo

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    1. Ah thank you for that, that is really validating and kind. I have told him that I felt he was saying I was as bad as her and told him that his judgments on my family felt like they were somehow an attack on me – he said of course he didn’t mean that. The issue really isn’t what he said, it’s how I took it – It’s my issue and I know that.

      I had repressed that part of me that still wishes things were different. I thought I was “over it” but this shows me clearly I am not. I feel like I will have to step back again now and keep her at arm’s length once more (as I have been doing for the last 3 years).. and that is sad.

      I guess it is all part of really coming to terms with your own grief isn’t it. And it sucks xx

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      1. I so deeply understand. I have kept going back to my Mum for understanding for years and years and I am only seeing it now. Its really hard to let go of that need for their love so don’t be too hard on yourself. It requires a lot of grief and I think much as it hurts your partner is trying to help you. The love you will find together will be so much more but that mother wound never really goes away. You just hopefully learn to live with it. And, yes if f…g sucks xo

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      2. I guess I thought I was “over it” and I feel a bit embarrassed at the thought/fact? that I am not. Despite how irrational I know that sounds!

        Thank you for understanding me and my feelings, I really do appreciate your comforting words xx

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      3. Yes I know how it recycles. Its dam tough. There is something so deep about the need for an emotionally present mother. Its not an injury you get over easily and its often two steps forward and even sometimes three steps back. I am so glad if I can give you some comfort. You may not think so but you are doing well.. x

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  5. Oh sorry you’ve had such a sad day love 😞. It’s understandable that you’re disappointed and feel a bit knocked back that this happened, but you’re processing it so quickly! That’s good!! You’re only human sweetheart, and you may never totally give up on wanting that connection with your mum and that’s bound to leave you a bit vulnerable to getting sucked back in to her ways sometimes. Ways that have been second nature to you all your life. You are doing fantastically well, you’ve learnt so much and changed so much but nothing is perfect. This occurrence does not wipe out all you have achieved before it.

    It’s unfortunate that fiance got the whiplash. Have/will you be able to tell him how you feel about it now that you’ve had time to reflect?

    Huuuuuuuuugs xx

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    1. Hi sweetie, how are you? Thanks for your message. I just wish I had given up all hope. That’s what I want to get to you know? The thought that she could forever have this power over me makes me want to scream!

      We haven’t spoken about it no, I was so down yesterday that I just ate dinner and went to bed very early. I think he knows how I feel though and he is so self-aware, he will know nothing I said is true. xxx

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  6. You’ve been working so hard to change and to disengage from the toxicity of your family. I can understand how it feels like a blow to realise that they still have their hooks in you, and to feel criticised by your fiancé for that. This is just a small setback. You are doing brilliantly over all. I actually think it is really positive and a sign of your maturity that you can see that element of truth in what your fiancé said, rather than denying it all and just blaming other people. That is truly impressive. Keep going 🙂

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    1. Hey DV, exactly that. It feels like a blow to realise that. I hate it! I just wish that I was strong enough that they didn’t have their claws in me AT ALL ever again. It feels horrible to admit/accept that they do, particularly when I’ve worked so hard and was feeling so strong.

      Thank you for saying its a sign of maturity to be objective rather than defensive, I guess that is true. xx

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  7. hi hun sorry i havent been around for a while. i am waaay and i mean waay behind on blogs. am catching up ever so slowly. i am very very sorry you felt so bad yesterday. i hope during the day the feelings disapated a little. its so hard when you are yearning or the child part of you is for a mother who you havent got but so badly want. that is so normal given all you’ve been through hun. you are hurting and sad and i want you to know I am here and I send you massive hugs. xxx

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