I’ve woken up today feeling down. I have a thumping headache. I’ve cried. I needed a cuddle but couldn’t ask.
I’m not sure exactly what’s making me feel like this, it feels like the week has emotionally drained me and it’s caught up with me today which is weird because last night I felt pretty good and strong.
It feels it’s very up and down at the moment. Some days I feel empowered and strong and ready to fight and others I feel weak and sad like I’m incapable to defend myself anymore.
I wonder if that’s normal? What will tomorrow bring?
There’s also a selfish bit of me that’s feeling a bit jealous that the kids are coming in an hour and will be here until Monday night. That’s a long time as they usually only stay one or two nights. It’s nothing personal about them of course, but I guess when I’m feeling in this place I’m kinda regressed emotionally to a child myself and so looking after children is hard work and can bring up feelings of resentment that I try to swallow because I know that’s not nice.
I think it triggers the child part of me into feeling angry for having to look after my sister all those years when I was a child myself.
When they are here I have to be adult. I don’t have any time for myself and I can’t sit down to write or read in peace when my thoughts need tidying up to reset me a bit.
My bf’s attention obviously (and rightly so) is on them continuously and I kinda fade into the background. I guess this triggers me because of my childhood of fading into the background behind my mother’s men and her friends.
Some days it’s just hard to be a capable adult and today feels like one of those days.
I wonder what happens in my head when I go to sleep. How does this change happen? How is it that one day you can wake up and feel positive, happy and adult and the very next feel the opposite? What sparks that change?
Right now I need to go and get ready, paint on a smile and fake being a competent adult for the kids’ sake when actually I would much rather stay in my pjs and watch tele with tea and sleep.
It’s a craving to be looked after and not doing the looking after and I guess I know where that wish comes from.