I don’t want to adult today 

I’ve woken up today feeling down.  I have a thumping headache. I’ve cried. I needed a cuddle but couldn’t ask. 

I’m not sure exactly what’s making me feel like this, it feels like the week has emotionally drained me and it’s caught up with me today which is weird because last night I felt pretty good and strong. 

It feels it’s very up and down at the moment. Some days I feel empowered and strong and ready to fight and others I feel weak and sad like I’m incapable to defend myself anymore. 

I wonder if that’s normal? What will tomorrow bring? 

There’s also a selfish bit of me that’s feeling a bit jealous that the kids are coming in an hour and will be here until Monday night. That’s a long time as they usually only stay one or two nights. It’s nothing personal about them of course, but I guess when I’m feeling in this place I’m kinda regressed emotionally to a child myself and so looking after children is hard work and can bring up feelings of resentment that I try to swallow because I know that’s not nice. 
I think it triggers the child part of me into feeling angry for having to look after my sister all those years when I was a child myself. 

When they are here I have to be adult. I don’t have any time for myself and I can’t sit down to write or read in peace when my thoughts need tidying up to reset me a bit. 

My bf’s attention obviously (and rightly so) is on them continuously and I kinda fade into the background. I guess this triggers me because of my childhood of fading into the background behind my mother’s men and her friends. 

Some days it’s just hard to be a capable adult and today feels like one of those days. 

I wonder what happens in my head when I go to sleep. How does this change happen? How is it that one day you can wake up and feel positive, happy and adult and the very next feel the opposite? What sparks that change? 

Right now I need to go and get ready, paint on a smile and fake being a competent adult for the kids’ sake when actually I would much rather stay in my pjs and watch tele with tea and sleep. 

It’s a craving to be looked after and not doing the looking after and I guess I know where that wish comes from. 

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18 thoughts on “I don’t want to adult today 

  1. If I feel okay after a session, I tend to feel drained and emotional the day after. Sometimes it’s the other way around. I know that it’s difficult and I’m not in the same place as as you are, but maybe you could do things with the children that you never got to do. I find that time with my nephews eases the inner child a little. I know that it’s different for me and won’t take away from your grief but you deserve to have fun too. You should take time on your own if you need it though. You shouldn’t have to wear a happy mask just because there are children around. Take care lovely xx

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    1. Hmm yeah you might be right. I always feel I need a proper “reason” to feel rubbish but I think therapy in general brings up lots of feelings doesn’t it so I guess that’s enough. You are right, I used to feel the same but today I feel I’m being a bit sulky or stubborn about it haha xx

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      1. I understand that. I had a friend who used to ask me what had happened and sometimes nothing had, it was just my emotions. It sometimes takes a while for things to settle after a session especially if you’re being adult. You will still be triggering those emotions but might not be aware of it in session. Once it sinks in, the emotions will come in. xx

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  2. Adulting is the WORST!!! I can’t even imagine having to look after little ones while feeling so awful myself. I think it would be a good idea that you explain to your partner how you’re feeling and give hime forewarning that you might to take some time out over the weekend. It’s okay to take yourself to your room and ask not to be disturbed. I actually think it’s a really good example to set the kids, that when you/they feel a bit sad or a bit low in energy that there’s thing you can do do self-soothe, and sometimes taking some time out is healthy and necessary and it doesn’t mean anything bad and life isn’t about putting on a brave face or a smile. Sometimes it’s okay not to be okay. I wish I’d been taught that.
    Other than that, have pyjama parties with them, play with toys, BE a kid with them.
    Sending you big hugs. x

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    1. Thanks Hun. It’s so hard, I think it’s probably harder because they aren’t my kids so there’s other difficulties that I tend to navigate easier when I’m more adult.

      I do let him know and to be honest i think he’s got used to it in recent weeks and months but I feel bad. Before I got out of bed today I was crying and grumpy and he does so so well but this morning he looked a bit defeated. It must be hard for him with my fluctuating moods.

      You are right though, I just wouldn’t want to worry them you know when you’re a kid if an adult is sad you panic don’t you… I got half an hour earlier to listen to an audiobook (new thing I’m trying) and that was a nice escape, were now watching a film together and they’ll be in bed by 8.30/9pm. Sometimes I go and have a bath or go to bed early as the eldest stays up until 10.30. I might sneak off to the gym a few times between now and Monday too.

      I used to enjoy being a kid with them but recently that feelings gone away, I feel too grumpy it’s weird xx

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      1. I think you have to acknowledge that the work you’re doing in therapy is massive and really really hard. It feels like being beaten up every week. So it’s going to be essential that you practice good self-care where you can. I hope things feel better over the weekend.

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  3. Being an adult is always tough! Responsibilities are hard to deal with sometimes when you just want to hide under the duvet reading Harry Potter all day (or maybe this is just me haha) I have very up and down days too but I’m sure most people do, I just try and savour the good so I can deal with the bad better when it comes around. It’s okay to feel like that though, if you feel the need to stay in your pyjamas on the sofa all day, do it! Let your kids join in with you and cuddle up with them watching movies, it’s the best remedy (but tea and chocolate also help…) xx

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