(Long) Letter to Work Friend

This is a draft of a very, very, very long letter that I am thinking of giving to work friend about recent events. Any comments would be really welcomed – am I too harsh? Is it too long?

Thanks in advance for any feedback! xx

 

I have done a lot of thinking about our friendship over the last week or so and a lot of things have now become inherently clear to me. The purpose of this letter isn’t to blame, but to make you aware of how I see things so that perhaps it helps you to understand my point of view.

I have shown you “The Drama Triangle” before, something that Fran has taught me about dysfunctional relationships and so you will be familiar with this. However in the past I have never been consciously aware that this was something our friendship resolved around. It is now however blatantly clear to me that it does and always has.

When you joined [firm] I was young and as you have often told me many times, I was “needy and vulnerable“.  I don’t deny that.  Clearly I was struggling in life from the effects of my childhood.  I was clearly feeling like a victim that needed rescuing and you came along only too happy to help.  You are, and were, a rescuer.  This is where the triangle began.

Drama triangles are beneficial to both parties. Both parties gain something from their roles – whether that is conscious or not. I believe in both our cases, this was unconscious.

The whole reason the triangle is able to endure is that each participant gets their own psychological needs met. Each feels justified in their role and doesn’t realise the dysfunction and harm that occurs because of it.

Your Role as Rescuer

I believe your role as rescuer benefited you in that it made you feel wanted and needed. It helped with your own self-esteem. I think this particularly true as your children had or were shortly about to leave home and leave you with a feeling of “empty nest”. The Rescuer enjoys having someone feel dependant on them and trusting them and so act in a way that seems to be trying to help.  I believe I filled a role for you that would have otherwise been vacant and that is what you got out of it.

For a rescuer, rescuing needy people is an addiction to feel valued. There is no better way to feel valued than to be a savior!

Feeling used are common feelings for a rescuer. Common phrases are “After all I’ve done for you, this is the thanks I get?”. A rescuer’s greatest fear is that they will end up alone because they believe their value comes from how much they do for others. They scramble to make themselves indispensable in order to avoid abandonment.

My Role as Victim

Victims also have core beliefs that set them up for their starting position in the triangle. Victims believe they cannot take care of themselves. They see themselves as consistently unable to handle life. They even rescue from a one-down position, saying things to their potential rescuer like “You’re the only one who can help me.” These are words that any rescuer longs to hear!

The victim is vulnerable and needy. They believe they are powerless and defective. This relegates them to a lifetime of dependency on primary relationships.  They believe they are weak and fragile and so their anxiety forces them to be on the lookout for someone stronger or more capable to help them.

Clearly what I got out of it was that you were deemed as the capable, powerful adult that was able to help me and you did just that.

When this stops working

As long as both people remain in their roles and nothing changes, each person’s needs continue to be met (dysfunctionally). However normally what happens is that one person no longer wants to remain in that role and tries to leave the triangle.

Sometimes the rescuer gets tired of feeling they do it all and feels unappreciated. The rescuer gets fed up and suddenly blows up over something minor. The rescuer feels they deserve it, look! he says to himself “after all I’ve done for them!”. The feeling of “unfair” is strong.

Usually when this happens the victim gets scared and moves to the rescuing position. He tries to calm the waters and apologises, or he agrees to whatever the rescuer is demanding to keep the peace. Then they both stabilize and go back to their original positions.

The other thing that happens is that the victim outgrows their victim status and decides to change. He gets tired of the rescuer effectively saying “if it wasn’t for me..” and keeping the victim in a low position.  The victim gets angry and moves to the persecutor role. Like the rescuer, the victim gets angry and blows up or acts out.

____________________________________________________________________________

In my view this needs no explanation for how this applies to us as I feel it is blatantly clear, however in case you do not see this I will go on to explain how I feel this has been playing out.

I will tell you that I am not coming to lunch with you. This could be because I want to go to the gym, see Paul or meet another friend. You are hurt by this and feel instantly angry because you feel “how dare she leave me on my own” and the classic “after all I’ve done for her” (as above).

In the past you have been used to assuming and expecting that we will eat lunch together every single day unless one of us is not in the office or there is a good enough reason such as a team event. You have on many occasions “acted out” when I have chosen to go to lunch without you and this used to result in me backing down, apologising, trying to smooth things over afterwards or simply inviting you along or not going myself (see explanation above about how the victim tries to smooth the waters so not to upset the rescuer).

Things improved when [friend] joined the firm because it meant there was then two of us you could spend your lunch times with, rather than just me, and so if I didn’t join you for lunch you didn’t mind half as much – after all you were not then left alone. I felt like the weight was lifted off of me.

If however, both me and [friend] couldn’t come to lunch, it would be me that got the stick for that and not [friend]. You never responded to her like you did with me and it is painfully obvious that the reason for that is that you knew I would take it more than she would. You knew [friend] would tell you that you were being unfair and childish, whereas I was much more likely to just feel guilt and try to repair things. After all, you had years of that being the case.

[Friend] then went on mat leave and so you were back to expecting us to have lunch together every day again. The same old pattern commenced where I would dread having to tell you I had other plans – I would have to prepare myself for the backlash of you either leaving the instant chats instantly without responding and gong offline, ignoring me and sulking obviously for hours or days or making digs, sometimes dressed as “jokes” along the lines of how selfish I was or you would say things like “don’t worry about me” or “lunch for one then“.  That, I hope you can see, is very passive aggressive and also is emotional blackmail. You (consciously or not) knew that I cared what you thought about me and that I didn’t want to jeopardise our friendship and so I would not make this a regular thing.

This conversation has been had countless times over the years and you usually claim that you do not mind at all – but your actions have and continue to say differently.

Because of this, I started to feel a bit trapped. I began to feel like I was obligated to have lunch with you or pay the price. I do not enjoy conflict and neither do I enjoy being emotionally punished in the way of sulking, being ignored or being told I am selfish. This started to get me down.

You’ve said yourself many times over the years that I have changed a lot because of counselling and I have. I have changed a hell of a lot and for the better. I now care about how I feel instead of only caring about other people.  I want to make myself happy and not just others.  I am learning not to be a people pleaser which was a dynamic I was used to for my entire life.

Unfortunately for you I guess, this has meant that these days I am not so easy to manipulate into doing what you want me to (again, consciously or not) and to be honest with you – and there is no easy way of saying this – it has left a very bad taste in my mouth. Each time since I’ve been aware of this dynamic that it has played out, it has made me feel more and more resentful.

I began to make plans occasionally to do other things and just “take” whatever punishment came my way. I can now ignore your comments or sulks because I know and believe it is your issue and not mine. However it is tiring and it isn’t the type of friendship that I want now that I have got healthier. I realise now that I do not need to just put up with your aggressiveness whether passive or obvious. That is not what friendships are based on.

You then upset and annoyed me last week by forwarding my personal email to you onto [colleague]. You say you don’t see the problem and I am not quite sure whether you really mean that, or whether you are being defensive because you know you’ve done wrong and just don’t want to accept any wrongdoing or blame – because you don’t want to apologise.

I think it is clear that whether intentional or not, you caused trouble for me at work and obviously that would upset me. I can only imagine the fallout if I had done that to you. You then saw the email exchange between myself and [colleague] which I purposely CCd you in and so you cannot pretend you didn’t think it caused any issue – because it did and you have therefore caused a fee earner that I have to work with to think badly of me.  This could have been resolved if you had just apologised.  I cannot help but feel you sent it to her on purpose.  The fact you have not apologised about this just heightens that belief to be honest because if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been devastated that I had caused you any trouble with a fee earner and upset you. You do not appear to care much for my feelings on the matter.

The following day I told you I could not have lunch with you and you said neither could you. I was relieved because that is a rather rare and mature response to an email like that from you, however in my opinion, it was passive aggressive and actually because you were in a sulk with me (for what reason I cannot fathom given you had upset me and not the other way around!) but there we go…  I know you very well and have a nearly 10 years of experience of the way you react in certain situations. Again, I have no way to know for sure but I do believe that it was your way of sulking about the email situation and then the lunch situation.  It suited me – I’ll be honest.

The following day you had the dentist and then called in sick but you called [colleague] instead of me. You knew you should have told me as I was acting TC.  There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that the reason you didn’t was part of the feud above. It is my belief that you didn’t want to text me and were being stubborn and immature. I also think there is another issue whereby you don’t like to “answer to me” because of my age – only you will know the true answer to that.  Either way it feels unfair and disrespectful particularly because we are friends. If you managed to phone [colleague], you could have text me, simple as.

Every time I saw you around the floor last week I acknowledged you. You seemed to grunt back at me in a way that seemed as though you would have rather not have (and you never acknowledged me first) and so after I had the weekend to think, I decided to stop bothering. I felt that until you could be mature enough to ask to speak to me and for us to speak about all of this – I couldn’t be bothered and didn’t see the point.

Monday comes and I decide not to speak to you when I see you from a distance and you sigh and grunt (loudly) and make a comment out loud for others to hear – I just don’t think you understand how inappropriate and childish that is to do at all yet alone at work where it is very unprofessional. You need to separate our private disagreements from work and this is one of my main bugbear at the moment.

You don’t seem to care who hears you slamming and bashing around, sighing, tutting, making comments – it is so unnecessary. In the past I’ve just brushed this off as something that you do – part of your personality – but now I have decided it is a boundary that I will not allow to be violated any longer. You need to stop doing that. It is very aggressive and clearly you know it would make me feel awkward at work which is, in my opinion, exactly why you do it. I want to make it clear that if we manage to salvage anything from our friendship after all of this is said and done, I won’t tolerate that.

Moving on, Monday morning you then decide to “reply all” to an email including various fee earners and all of the PA’s to ask me who was covering [colleague]. Why would you do that? Yet again it feels like another attempt to paint a bad picture of me, to make me look incompetent. Why would you not just ask me? You could have spoken to me, phoned me or emailed me – there was no need for that and it looked, again, very passive aggressive. Needless to say, I did not appreciate that at all and I believe you knew that. You’ve told me and [friend] on various occasions in the past that you’ve “replied all” to annoy [colleague] or [colleague] and so I do not think this was any different. I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that had we not had been in an argument, you wouldn’t have sent that.

A few hours after you did this, I went to lunch with [friend and friend]. You decide to get your own lunch and sit at the very nearest table to us on your own. After 5 or so minutes you clearly let your anger get the better of you and decided to throw your chair out causing as much noise as possible and drawing attention to yourself, slammed your things on your tray and stormed off past us (when you would never go that way normally anyway) in order to make your point. You then proceeded to shout at me in front of not only [friends] but the entirety of the work canteen. That is not on and is actually just abusive. I would not tolerate that from anyone in my life, yet alone a so-called friend. Again, it is childish and unprofessional.

I imagine you sat right next to our table to make it clear you were there and that you were on your own. However – and sorry for the bluntness – if I had wanted to have lunch with you, I would have asked. I didn’t want to and so I didn’t ask and so I find it very odd that you would put yourself right in front of my face like that hoping I would feel obligated and guilted into inviting you. I have thought about this many times since and still find it very strange. I would never do that – if someone hasn’t invited me to lunch with them, I wouldn’t WANT them to feel obligated or guilted into inviting me. What’s more, why on earth would I want to have lunch with you when we are not speaking? The answer I come up with to that question is this: as per previous spats that we’ve had, normally about the same things, you like to sulk and/or ignore me for days or even a week and then like to sweep it under the carpet and pretend that nothing has happened. I used to go along with this for the sake of keeping work more comfortable and defusing any tension but this time I have not done that and it feels to me that you’ve upped the ante in the hope that eventually, I will be forced into speaking to you to resolve things.  Yet again, you have been completely unable to approach me and ask what is going on  – to ask me if we can speak and resolve things – to apologise.  I feel you’ve played upon my fear and unease and that tactic has not worked this time because I have now understood that this is actually emotional blackmail. Again, I will not tolerate that in a friendship anymore.

Shouting at me like that is not acceptable at all in any situation, but I wish to make it clear that if I wish to spend my lunch hour with other people, I am perfectly entitled to do so. I do not have to invite you just because we are friends and I won’t allow you to make me feel bad for that OR to effectively push yourself into that lunch by doing things like you did on Monday. I need you to understand that.

I know that you feel that is punishing, bullying and excluding you  – but it actually isn’t. People are allowed to spend time with others without inviting you and that not be any of those things.

____________________________________________________________________________

In summary, from my perspective I need you to respect my boundaries and start treating me like an equal adult who is not indebted to you in any way. Who does not owe you anything. I need you to stop the passive (or not so passive) aggression in response to things that you may not like.  I need you to act professionally when we are work and not try to make me feel uncomfortable.  I need you to acknowledge when you have upset me (on purpose or not) and be able to take your share of the responsibility and apologise when necessary without being overly defensive. In short, I need you to respect me much more than I feel you have done before.

Naturally a friendship shifting as much as this isn’t easy and I appreciate that I’ve had a lot longer than you have to understand the dynamic behind our friendship and I have the added luxury of counselling which helps me to process my thoughts and feelings around this which you do not have (although you could have should you wish). Perhaps you will need some time to think about this before responding or perhaps you will feel as though my boundaries are not things you can agree to and therefore you may decide the friendship cannot continue. I will leave the ball in your court.

As always I will be happy to talk about this with you – but not in work. It is important to me that this is kept out of work and that we remain professional with one another regardless.

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35 thoughts on “(Long) Letter to Work Friend

  1. I think a lot of it is very good and to the point. Personally though, I am not sure she will read and hear what you’re saying in the way you intend, do you? It sounds like she’s very enmeshed with you and the more you pull away the angrier she becomes. And all the games she’s playing is just a method of reigning you back in.
    I think perhaps make it shorter and more to the point, you sometimes get lost in detail and in “you did this and I think that and if that was me I would have XYZ….” and that just gives her more space to argue with you and before you know it, you’re both reeled into a power struggle and more games. All of the detail is just noise, from both of you and takes attention away from the over-arching themes and points which is that you’ve grown out of the friendship as it is. You’ve evolved and she hasn’t.
    The bits where you are very simple and clear about what you want and need from her in terms of behaviour in the workplace and your own boundaries are firm and clear and hard to argue with, so I’d stick to them.

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    1. I was thinking the same – I just feel a bit annoyed that yet again she wouldn’t be called up on the examples I’ve listed but you are right -it makes no difference if I list my boundaries really does it.

      She gaslights me so much and has previously said that she “didn’t know” we were in an argument when we very clearly were and she very clearly did! I guess this was my way of evidencing this current spat… but you are right.

      I’ll play around with it some more tomorrow I guess….

      I don’t think for a moment she will be able to read this and agree to what I’ve said, BUT I am very prepared for that and don’t mind either way. xx

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      1. I think the temptation in a letter is to say everything you feel and think, and vent it all while she doesn’t have a chance to interupt you. And I could certainly sense that switch in the letter at times, where you went from very capable adult, clearly setting out your displeasure at her behaviour and requesting it stop… to an angry almost teenagery place of ” you did this.. fuck you…”. It sounded like two different people almost.
        I think the key is to get your point across in a way that isn’t inviting more argument and more drama but ensuring that it stops and forewarning her that your boundaries are clear and need to be respected. Plus… maybe don’t send this on worktime or on work emails. Keep yourself right.

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      2. Oh that is interesting feedback. I certainly felt the shift after explaining the drama triangle and then speaking about the examples – I guess I don’t know how to justify myself in my new boundaries without setting that teenager fuck you bit out.. I will clearly need to think on it more.

        I am planning to send to her via personal email Thursday evening once I have l left the office (I am then out of the office Friday) and we both have the weekend. xx

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      3. I tihnk I was sensing from the teenagery bit, almost a bit of a sub-conscious plea for her to admit to her games and bad behaviour not that you have listed proof of it. And that in itself would be an invitation for her to gaslight you. You are leaving yourself open to allow her to use her old tactics to draw you back in and manipulate you, when really all you want is vailidation that her behaviour has been shit. But you’re extremely unlikely to get it and she’ll just feel cornered having her behaviour outed in that way and she’ll just gaslight you even more.
        Doing the teenagery fuck you bit is natural as you know you need to defend yourself. And the anger gives you the power you feel you lack right now around boundaries and setting them.
        But it possible to set your boundaries in a non-confrontational way. Anger doesn’t need to beat her into submission. You will command her respect of your new boundaries simply by the use of tone and of simple clear language.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. You are absolutely right. This is invaluable advice thank you. It’s so new to me. Being confrontational, setting boundaries the whole thing feels foreign to me. Trying to fake the confidence is hard so I totally see where I’ve fallen into the trap of allowing myself to be manipulated and gaslighted once more.

        Obviously an acceptance and apology would be wonderful as it would enable us to start our new friendship off with the new boundaries with a new leaf, BUT I am not desperate for or expecting one and I am okay with that.

        To be honest, i am okay with her telling me I’ve hurt her and that she no longer wants a friendship with me and I would accept that too. Less drama for me!

        I’ll amend this again and remove all of the examples. Xx

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      5. I discovered it was easier just to be firm with what I want from people. Because as soon as I start trying to justify it it sounds like I’m apologising for having boundaries and that just gave them room to argue with me. #notsorry 🤣

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  2. I agree with Sirena. Stay away from the ‘you did this’ and ‘you said that’. She was there when you needed her but now that you have changed, the relationship has evolved as you said. It’s quite, or has been, codependent.
    Keeping the drama out of it would look better if she decided for whatever reason to show it to management. I’m not saying that to scare you or anything. But it looks more mature and also makes you less likely to get a similar email in response! I can see that you feel like you have to justify yourself, hence the details, but you don’t. xx

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    1. I did think about her showing it to management but I ran it past my team coordinator earlier who said that as long as I sent it outside of work hours and not via work media that work wouldn’t be involved BUT I do see what you are saying and I do agree regardless.

      I just need to find a way to get from explaining the dynamic to setting out my new boundaries… xx

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      1. It kinda seems a bit misdirected and could so easily be written to your mother. I don’t think that this lady is a bad person. There is probably something in her own past which may mean that the only way that she feels validated is by being the rescuer. Not that you should feel sorry for her and it definitely doesn’t excuse the immature behaviour she is now displaying in the office! 😬 All the more reason to let her know that you don’t need rescuing anymore. xx

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      2. I’m not sure the letter could be to my mother because my mother has never played the rescuer role before. Although I guess she has used fear and entitlement to keep me trapped in my role.

        I don’t think she’s a bad person easier and I also agree that there is a reason she’s a rescuer – BUT (always a but) the facts remain that she has been emotionally blackmailing me and manipulating me to keep me from doing things that she doesn’t like and that’s what I’m fighting against now. She hasn’t tried to rescue me for a very long time mainly because I don’t tell her anything anymore worth rescuing. In the past it was always relationship dramas but I’ve been with a lovely man for 3.5 years now and so there’s been no drama for her to rescue me from. I haven’t told her anything about my therapy etc so the recusing role stopped – but the manipulation continued…. does that make any sense?

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      3. Oh yeah. I meant the anger and the justifying yourself. Your mother has definitely not been the rescuer, far from it.
        But she has still been there for you regardless of how long ago it was or in what capacity. You don’t owe her anything nor should you pity her but it doesn’t make her abusive. Her behaviour now may all be reactionary at the thought of losing you as a friend. I’m not trying to make you feel bad because you I think you do need to set boundaries in this relationship for your own health and wellbeing. I have been manipulative in relationships because I feel like it’s the only way to stop people from leaving. I don’t know how much you know about her past but that’s what makes us the way we are. All relationships need boundaries and you are doing the right thing for you which is the most important thing.
        I hope you don’t take all this the wrong way. I can’t help but try to see the best in everyone and maybe in this instance this friend may not deserve that! xx

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  3. Speaking as someone who has done something similar many years ago, I would counsel against letting them see it. The person I wrote to was completely freaked out by it and simply got defensive and claimed not to have a clue what I was on about.

    I’m sure if you think about it, this letter is more about you and your need to make sense of the situation. The written word can be interpreted differently by different people. So there is no guarantee at all she will read into it whatever your meaning might be.

    Fine to write something to get it off your chest. That’s perfectly healthy. But letting someone else read it can open up a whole other can of worms that you may not have bargained for.

    Take care :0)

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    1. Interesting…….. i do think she will get defensive and I’m not sure she will be able to identify herself in the role she is in BUT is that the point of the letter? I’m not sure…. the point of it for me was to set my boundaries about what I will and will not tolerate anymore in terms of her behaviour so I guess if she gets defensive or freaked out, that’s her issue and not mine isn’t it?

      When you say the person you sent a letter to got freaked out, was you at that stage prepared to lose the relationship? I only ask that because I am at that stage presently? X

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      1. At that stage I was trying to salvage a relationship and trying to clear up what I saw as misunderstandings. When I realised that they simply weren’t going to connect with where I was coming from; I walked away.

        If you are trying to redefine personal boundaries, that can be V tricky after the horse has bolted. I think you need to be succinct and to the point. You don’t owe anyone a long explanation and your personal analysis of the relationship.

        Another point to consider, is that this letter will not have the privacy restrictions that, for example, this blog has. If this person so desires, they can do what they like with the letter; print it off, wave it round amongst their friends, family and colleagues. If not now, then at some point in the future.

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  4. I don’t think you should put any of this in writing at all. I think she will misunderstand it and take huge offence, and is highly likely to repost lots of it out of context on social media and via work email to create more drama and cast herself as a victim. And you know what narcissists are like – despite people knowing what she is like, she will be able to gaslight at least some of them into believing that you are picking on her.

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  5. Haha Sofia you legend 😁

    I’m gatecrashing Sirenas thread because I’m WELL late to this blog post party and I agree with everything she said.

    OK so don’t hate me but I skim read this, which definitely says it’s too long because I look forward to your posts and read every damn word 😊. I’d say 95% of the content is going to get you the exact opposite of what you want, because even though the details are true it’s still accusational, she is unlikely to agree with it on a normal day, let alone if shes on the defensive because she feels attacked. I also agree that it’s clear what’s driving this is a need for validation, even though you know it’s unlikely to occur, it’s still what’s driving it, to make your point and to be heard. But she won’t hear this my lovely, she just won’t.

    This will work a tonne better if you use “i” statements. “i” statements aren’t accusational, and it gets your true emotions and thoughts out, because those are also getting buried in these details. And I don’t quite mean “I need you….” 😊 that’s still a “you” statement really because you haven’t quite acknowledged your feelings. As an example after reading one of your final paragraphs, you could change it to :

    “I’d like it if you could come to me directly to let me when you’re upset so we can find a time to resolve it, as I become anxious and distracted from my work when I can see that you are distressed but letting me know in passive ways. I get upset when you become aggressive, so I will politely walk away and give us both some space if that happens in future.”

    However, I would question if you do want these things, based on what you’ve said before. Do you want to work this out with her? Can you tolerate being the container-contained…being her parent basically?

    Xx

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    1. Ah man…… yeahhppp get you totally, as always.

      I’ve just got home from T’s and my head is thumping right now koz it was session about the missatunement stuff so I haven’t got much brain capacity for this on top of that right now but I wanted to thank you so much for all of your pointers….

      I spoke to T briefly in session about this at the end, and she has advised me not to send letter any letter because she thinks she could be dangerous with it. She said that she may show people, twist bits of it and (as someone else said earlier) send to work bosses and say I am bullying her….

      She said she really believes I should just say that I do not want any friendship with her any longer other than a professional one and keep it as simple as that. I’ve told her that still seems to hard to do – although deep down is what I’d like to do…..

      It’s a shame koz I spent hours typing that up and I thought it was a good idea however based on a lot of the comments here AND now what T has said, I tend to agree that it’s pointless.

      The problem with not sending anything however is that it leaves things unresolved and unsaid and then it feels as though she will constantly be trying to punish me or worm her way back in having not acknowledged anything….

      T said she could really see the struggle I’m having doubting myself because of her gaslighting and bad behaviour in the emails and the lunch thing yesterday. She said “why would you want to be friends with someone that behaves like that?” And that I need to stay strong and firm.

      So I’m not sure right now what’s next! (Again!!!)

      😐

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      1. Oh bless you.

        Ultimately I agree and would be against a letter or explanation altogether, because she is likely to turn it into a weapon, or at least it will just not achieve anything positive for you and her reaction will likely trigger you more. But don’t see the letter as a waste of time, not at all! You needed to get that out of your system either way, and you’ve been able to process and talk it through and decide not to send it which is still a result, you’ve learned more about what you do and dont want 😊.

        I know it won’t seem like it now, but her efforts to punish you or worm her way back in will not affect you when your mind shifts and you no longer value her opinion. It seems unlikely she can create trouble at work and win sides when she doesn’t even try to hide her behaviour.

        Anyway ill shush now! Just let your emotions and thoughts settle, and see what comes forward next time you write 😊. I hope you’re alright after that session, sounds heavy! Xxx

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      2. Yeah I guess it was heavy really and mixed with this stuff I just feel totally done in. I’ll reply properly tomorrow love thank you for taking the time to help me again and again xx

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      3. I agree with Lauren that writing the letter was actually a good idea (just not sending it), in terms of working out what specifically bothers you about and where your own boundaries are. ❤

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  6. I think you explained everything very well. You did a great job explaining. Giving and setting boundaries.
    I personally would give it as a letter and not send it in an email so it can then be forwarded to everyone.
    It is so hard because to set boundaries you have to say something. To get closure or to get a response that you want maybe won’t happen. But if you are just going to set boundaries…shoot you could do that with one line

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  7. I agree with the others, I don’t think you should send it.
    One thing that stick out for me when reading was the voice of my own counsellor saying to me ‘Just because I think it doesn’t make it true’. I’d be worried, like the others that your friend would take this the wrong way and not as you have intended.
    It’s not an easy one, that’s for sure, this problem.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. twinkle, it was a great letter. but i agree with everyone, dont send it. but writing it out for clarification was a good idea. to clarify in your mind and figure things out. that was a good thing to do I think. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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