Where does it go? 

As I was sat in the hairdressers this morning I reflected back on the events that unfolded since my session Thursday. I thought about the initial upset, then the anger, the missatunement, the confusion, more anger and then yesterday’s decision to tell T how I was feeling. 

LUCKILY for me, T responded quickly and said she heard I was angry with her (I bet she nearly fell off her chair!) and she asked me if I was able to come for another session that same day – only two hours later actually! 

Unfortunately I couldn’t go, as much as I would have loved to, because I was at work but I really love that she offered. 

I told her I couldn’t, but would have really loved to and she replied to say that as that wasn’t going to work she was “here” and thinking of me, that she understood the anger and confusion and acknowledged that her missatunement (is that an agreement?) had got me in touch with my anger and pain. 

She suggested that I kept writing and told me she would not retaliate and told me to “hang in there“. 

I felt instantly better. Like within moments and that hasn’t changed since. In fact today I feel happy and have been singing along to my tunes in the car. 

I dreamt of “her” last night. I say “her” like that because it was meant to be her but I’m not sure her face was right – I don’t actually recall a face but I knew it was T if that makes sense. [side question: does anyone struggle to call up an image of their T? I can’t picture her when I’m not in fromt of her at all. I would struggle to draw a picture of her or describe her to someone]

Anyway, the dream was that I was at her family home with her dream husband and daughter. Me and her daughter were playing together and I stayed over and had dinner the next day. We went outside to her garden which was absolutely beautiful and huge. It even had pink blossom trees and a stream! We sat and played games and it was heavenly. 

I remember in the dream that they had some suitcases out in a room on the floor and had started to pack for a skiing trip. I think I was sad about that but trying to push that out of my mind. 

My sister was with me too, she was very young in the dream and lost a tooth which I looked after for her. 

When we were leaving T gave me a melon, some yogurts and an open can of baked beans (how odd!!) I loved that she gave me those things and didn’t want to leave. I left and drove me and my little sister home. 

I woke up and shortly after I fell back to sleep, this time I dreamt of what I can only describe as a giant heart shape made of grass and hedges and I was pushing the centre of the heart desperately trying to get inside. 

To break through the heart. Symbolic much? 

Dreams aside, I’m just wondering, why I feel so much better just because T knows? I wonder psychologically speaking why that helps so much? How has it completely removed the anger? Why do I feel so adult and content today when I felt so desperate then? 

Not that I’m complaining of course, I just wonder why it’s made such a huge difference. 

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10 thoughts on “Where does it go? 

  1. I would guess because her not getting you that day, falling off her pedastal of perfection, making a mistake, threatened the relationship from your perspective. You didn’t feel connected to her anymore, so you reached out for reassurance and she responded the way you needed. So no more threat to the relationship, it was just a momentary blip, no need to be angry anymore because you don’t have to protect yourself from anything x

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  2. Even when I am not angry or mad at T I have noticed that just letting her know can make me feel so much better. I think this is what it means to rely on other people to modulate your emotions. We were never taught this unfortunately and had to always take care of ourselves.

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    1. Ah do you think? See I understand the concept of someone “holding” it for you or with you – sharing the load I guess… but then I worry that makes me too dependant and like I can’t hold anything for myself xx

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      1. it’s just a phase of growing and you’ll eventually be able to do it without her – you’ll be able to hold a loving inner voice in your head based on her, instead of a critical inner voice based on your mother.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel the same way. I am kind of a self made type of person, depending on people feels dangerous, but maybe this is normal? Lol. I am glad you feel better ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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