FFS

Read previous blog first or this won’t make any sense

I’ve never felt anger towards my T before. Never. Not consciously anyway.

Until just now.

I emailed her to tell her how upset I am and why. I even put in quotes the sentence about wishing I could sit on her lap for longer etc.

She replied just now, it’s a very kind and gentle reply but she didn’t understand. She said how tough it is for me that my child part didn’t get tended to today because I only ever take my adult self on a Thursday. But that isn’t the problem!

I know this probably doesn’t seem like a big deal to people but I felt so hurt and upset and disappointed and (I can’t believe it but..) angry!

I burst into tears and said out loud “no, no!!!”.

Now I wish I hadn’t told her! Now it’s worse.

I replied quite bluntly (another first!) and said it wasn’t about that. It was the break stuff. I don’t think she will reply because I kinda closed the convo down but maybe if she picked up on some anger somehow that would help? But why would she pick up on anger – I didn’t tell her I was angry. Clearly she’s not a mind-reader!

Oh also. What’s with fucking kind wishes or best wishes or whatever – why does that feel so horribly cold and professional?!

AGGHHHHHH!!

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11 thoughts on “FFS

  1. There’s nothing wrong with that anger! She clearly misunderstood and now you have corrected her. Your feelings are heightened right now so I’m not surprised you are bouncing around like this.
    My therapist signs her emails ‘kind wishes’ and it feels warm to me. She used to sign ‘kind regards’ which is more formal I think.
    Sending you calm love x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know that I probably won’t feel like this about the kind wishes thing another time, but right now it felt cold because here I am in tears, feeling raw, missing her and needing to be with her and kind wishes is what we send at work to clients and colleagues – and shes not either to me. I get I AM her client but I don’t want that shoved in my face, you know?? I know I am acting out and being an angry child – I don’t think I can be reasoned with right now.

      She misunderstood me – she was misattuned and it hurt. She isn’t perfect, she is human AND she’s reading an email but again, being an angry child it has made me furious regardless.

      WAHHHHHHHHHHH XX

      Like

      1. I can see how it sounds like a standard response and she has clearly missed the point.
        The only thing you can do is just go with it. You have to go through it to get over it, if you know what I mean. It’s shit and it hurts. xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I hate anything signed best, regards, wishes etc…. lol… maybe it’s a generational thing. We grew up with email and we KNOW that that’s not how you sign emails unless you wanna be super formal. lol

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Agreed!! And it’s always bugged me a tiny bit but not like today. Today I was enraged by it. The coldness of it.

      What would I rather she said? I dunno…. I don’t say anything other than the email… then my name?! Maybe a kiss? That would be nice x

      Like

  3. I’m sure it drives my therapist nuts that something he says is fine one day and not the next, depending on how I’m feeling.

    All your upset around the break is completely valid, but it also sounds a bit like some of the anger that is coming out only now toward your mother is being redirected toward T, who is a safer and more available target. T will understand this, and it is by her modelling that your anger will not destroy her that you will learn healthy boundaries around expressing anger. Hang in there. You will reconnect when you are together again 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I did wonder if that’s what I’m doing myself but the anger is at the misattunent (I think?). She never relied to my email correcting her and the best wishes thing she’s done since day one so that’s a random thing to be peed off with lol xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I have emotions that seem to be about something but there’s a sneaking feeling that my brain has just latched onto some random thing to feel that about because it can’t find anything better, but it’s not the real cause

        Liked by 1 person

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