Possible trigger warning: flashback (not CSA).
Last night me and my boyfriend were driving home from the pub and we went on a bit of a detour as we were enjoying singing along to the radio. We went down some country lanes and all of a sudden I had this flashback/memory, whatever you want to call it.
It was really random and out of the blue. The memory was about one evening many years ago where me and my mum ended up in a taxi going to some guy’s house. There were two men there and me and her. We all got into a hot tub and we’re drinking and chatting. The men were her age and I was in my late teens. I remember feeling awkward but trying to act grown up (as ever).
It became clear very quickly that the idea was for her to get with one of the men and that seemed to somehow imply that I was to get with the other. Perhaps to keep me out of the way?
My mother started to get, let’s say rather heated, with one of the men in the hot tub and I felt uncomfortable and so I got out. I went into a room to get changed and the other man barged in. He made it clear he wanted something to happen. I did not. Anyway long story short, I had to more or less scream and beg my mother to leave (who managed to find time to have sex in a bedroom beforehand) leaving me with the other creep.
I was furious when we left.
That memory has not entered my head in YEARS. Like at least 9/10 years. I know the memory could have been much worse and that memory is actually nothing compared to some other memories, but something about it made my stomach turn. It scared me that I had forgotten this and yet now remembered it so clearly. I believe that the memory hit me when it did because of the lane we were driving down, perhaps it was the same lane? Maybe the song that was playing or maybe it was a complete coincidence.
I’ve thought about this a lot today. It’s really made me feel weird.
Then earlier this afternoon we were in the car and a van pulled out on us, we narrowly missed it and I shouted in the car what an idiot the driver was – with more expletives… my boyfriend seemed almost annoyed and said he didn’t understand why I got such bad road rage and that I was so impatient. He then proceeded to drive REALLY slowly down our road (on purpose) which was irritating me badly. I could feel my entire body filling with so much anger! I was trying hard not to scream because I knew my reaction wasn’t about the van or the slow driving.
I then suffered with an awful headache all afternoon. I took pain killers and it wouldn’t go.
A few hours ago, I needed to get my hamster out and into his ball and asked my bf to help open the cage but he couldn’t do it and wow… the anger… or perhaps more accurately the rage that came over me!!! It was so extreme!! I suddenly felt absolutely boiling hot, I shouted at him, I swore at him and it was all a bit mad…. I went upstairs and burst into tears. I felt so guilty but also so, so angry and so hot and just…. euuuggghhhhh.
I apologised to my bf the second I came downstairs and he gave me a hug and said how out of character it was for me and he understood it was nothing to do with him. I’ve cried a couple of times since, just subtle tears and I now feel emotionally drained.
I know the anger is about my mother. It’s about the memory in part but more specifically the fact that suddenly everything is making me so sick and so angry and just wow…. I don’t know. It’s all so… shit!
Clearly I’m in touch with some anger … and that old memory coming back has made me so angry.
How could she do that? How could she take me there and happily leave me with that man? Why would she want me to sleep with him just so she could get some? Man it’s so fucked up !!!!!!!!!!
Everything’s becoming so obvious and I don’t like it.