Flashback & Anger 

Possible trigger warning: flashback (not CSA). 
Last night me and my boyfriend were driving home from the pub and we went on a bit of a detour as we were enjoying singing along to the radio. We went down some country lanes and all of a sudden I had this flashback/memory, whatever you want to call it. 

It was really random and out of the blue. The memory was about one evening many years ago where me and my mum ended up in a taxi going to some guy’s house. There were two men there and me and her. We all got into a hot tub and we’re drinking and chatting. The men were her age and I was in my late teens. I remember feeling awkward but trying to act grown up (as ever). 

It became clear very quickly that the idea was for her to get with one of the men and that seemed to somehow imply that I was to get with the other. Perhaps to keep me out of the way? 

My mother started to get, let’s say rather heated, with one of the men in the hot tub and I felt uncomfortable and so I got out. I went into a room to get changed and the other man barged in. He made it clear he wanted something to happen. I did not. Anyway long story short, I had to more or less scream and beg my mother to leave (who managed to find time to have sex in a bedroom beforehand) leaving me with the other creep. 

I was furious when we left. 

That memory has not entered my head in YEARS. Like at least 9/10 years. I know the memory could have been much worse and that memory is actually nothing compared to some other memories, but something about it made my stomach turn. It scared me that I had forgotten this and yet now remembered it so clearly. I believe that the memory hit me when it did because of the lane we were driving down, perhaps it was the same lane? Maybe the song that was playing or maybe it was a complete coincidence. 

I’ve thought about this a lot today. It’s really made me feel weird. 

Then earlier this afternoon we were in the car and a van pulled out on us, we narrowly missed it and I shouted in the car what an idiot the driver was – with more expletives… my boyfriend seemed almost annoyed and said he didn’t understand why I got such bad road rage and that I was so impatient. He then proceeded to drive REALLY slowly down our road (on purpose) which was irritating me badly. I could feel my entire body filling with so much anger! I was trying hard not to scream because I knew my reaction wasn’t about the van or the slow driving. 

I then suffered with an awful headache all afternoon. I took pain killers and it wouldn’t go. 

A few hours ago, I needed to get my hamster out and into his ball and asked my bf to help open the cage but he couldn’t do it and wow… the anger… or perhaps more accurately the rage that came over me!!! It was so extreme!! I suddenly felt absolutely boiling hot, I shouted at him, I swore at him and it was all a bit mad…. I went upstairs and burst into tears. I felt so guilty but also so, so angry and so hot and just…. euuuggghhhhh. 

I apologised to my bf the second I came downstairs and he gave me a hug and said how out of character it was for me and he understood it was nothing to do with him. I’ve cried a couple of times since, just subtle tears and I now feel emotionally drained. 

I know the anger is about my mother. It’s about the memory in part but more specifically the fact that suddenly everything is making me so sick and so angry and just wow…. I don’t know. It’s all so… shit! 

Clearly I’m in touch with some anger … and that old memory coming back has made me so angry. 

How could she do that? How could she take me there and happily leave me with that man? Why would she want me to sleep with him just so she could get some? Man it’s so fucked up !!!!!!!!!! 

Everything’s becoming so obvious and I don’t like it. 

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34 thoughts on “Flashback & Anger 

  1. It’s awful. Just plain awful. You have every right to be angry. That was so manipulative and inappropriate. I’m so sorry you experienced that as a teen. And I’m also sorry you are re-processing it now. I’ve had a few memories come to me lately that I haven’t thought of in probably 20 yrs….like since they have happened. It’s crazy to me how we bury things. I’ve read that this is a sign of healing. I don’t know if that helps or not. It doesn’t make the ick any better, I know.

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    1. Thank you for your empathy. Oh god, poor you, it’s awful isn’t it? I wish I could explain better the physical feeling it gave me, it was horrible.

      I’ve also read that remembering old memories is a sign that your psyche is now strong enough to deal with them so I guess that’s positive… it just feels cruel because I know this is a fairly tame memory yet now I’m seeing it with new eyes, it feels so sick.

      X

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know what you mean. What we think as “tame” though often is nothing of the sort, we categorize it as tame because in relation to other experiences, it wasn’t “as bad.” But in reality, it’s horrible in and of itself. We have no sense of the horrific nature of it all because to us it was “normal.”

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  2. I’m really glad he was understanding. I have found myself with rage emerging and I just burst and then think back and realize it was not the current situation but a memory that set me off. And that memory you had is appalling . I am so so sorry she did that to you. Why? Why would she do it? Because she was an atrocious mother who was thinking only of herself. This is not what mothers do. I sm so sorry she did this to you. You have every right to be angry. Every right.

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    1. She was an atrocious mother and yes, she was only thinking of herself. She always only thought of herself but this just feels hard to believe really… like why didn’t she just go by herself? Why would you want your teen daughter having sex in one room so you could in another? It’s meant to be natural to want to protect your kids and yet she didn’t protect me from anything!! X

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      1. Because she was a monster. She brought you to use you to ultimately get what she wanted. She would be the definition of narcissistic but worse.
        Are you not believing your own memory? Or are you just having a hard time believing she was capable of something that horrific

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      2. Good mothers do protect their daughters. Good mothers put their daughter’s safety before everything else. They nurture. They love. They fight for their daughter. The do not sacrifice their daughter.

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      3. I know. And is exactly this that is making me feel so god damn awful today….. 💔 it’s like back then I was scared but I just fought it off to get her to love and accept me – I was playing little adult way before I wanted to, but now, today…. I feel absolutely horrified x

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      4. The realization that things were larger and more awful than we thought, as we look at the entire scene of our childhood from adult eyes is a very hard realization. I honestly didn’t even see it that way until a few years ago. I looked at everything from a 45 year old perspective and could not believe the magnitude of all of it. It was overwhelming. I have to tackle it all in bits and pieces so I don’t get too overwhelmed at the selfishness of my mother.
        I’m so sorry that this happened and that you can see it for what it truly was now and have to process that all over again. It’s so hard. I just remind myself over and over again I am 45 now and I am safe

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      5. It is a very hard realisation. It’s phenomenal isn’t it? Makes you wonder how you ever saw it any other way doesn’t it?! I can imagine easily being overwhelmed by it for sure. Do you feel better now?

        I keep telling myself this. I’m 29 and safe and that helps when I’m in my adult brain but when I’m regressed it doesn’t feel like that at all. It’s all quite mind blowing! Xx

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      6. I feel more resolved I think. At first it was shocking to me and I had SOOO much anger. Now the anger just comes in little spurts and I recognize it but at the realization when it all hit me and I saw all of these people for what they were and saw myself as the child I was, it was hard. Very hard to accept it. But as soon as I did it put everyone in the right place so I could deal with my feelings towards them and towards myself easier. I actually started feeling empathy and love for myself which I never have. The shift has been profound.
        I have moments now where I realize I am feeling the anger of what I SHOULD have felt when I was 16 or 11 or 19. That person, inside me, that was silenced, is finally allowed to feel so sometimes when i have an anger outburst I am connecting to the fact that this was pent up from when I was 16 and unable to fight.
        It IS mind blowing. Regressing really does not allow you to be here at this age but I try to quickly, as quickly as I can ground myself and tell myself that I am here and now and safe so that I don’t stay in that space any longer that I have to. Obviously sometimes it is wayout of my control because ptsd just is but I try my best to work through it and come back to me.

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    1. He really is very good, I’m lucky to have him. I often think if I were with someone less understanding I would have ended it by now as I don’t have the energy to worry about someone else’s emotions too right now – he makes this so much easier for me.

      I just don’t know what to do with all these feelings. They feel so powerful and I’m sitting with them but now I’m like… where do I put them?? X

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      1. I am sorry I don’t have the answer. Today I was so full of rage I felt my body could not possibly hold it all. Sometimes I put on some really heavy music and dance it out. I have broken things at times when I tried to beat something in order just to release it. It is not an easy process and so hard to really express in words how to cope with the fire and fury you feel. I am thinking of you.

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      2. You are feeling full of rage today too, oh I’m sorry. I am thinking of you too. We need to find something to help us express it healthily don’t we. I want to break something…. I might get s photo of her and draw all over her face or something. I wish I could smash a load of crockery, I like the image that brings.

        I hope you manage the day okay. I feel today will be a struggle at work but I’m forcing myself to be here so I don’t loose my job on top of everything else lol xx

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      3. I’m feeling better now. Mine is all about this terrible denture I have to wear for the rest of my life due to my accident. I find that feeling it through has helped me now. I am sorry that you are having to work in the midst of this but getting your mind off it for a while will be good. I don’t know if you pray but sometimes when I am really struggling with rage I ask my higher power to help me with it. And help me to let it go for a while because throwing things is not the best way to deal with it. Its evening here so my day is closing. I hope you get through the anger soon. xox

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      4. I am not religious and haven’t ever prayed but I feel like I want to at the moment because I feel I need some sort of support through this.

        I’m glad it’s your evening, I hope you get a good sleep and feel refreshed tomorrow.

        I’m sorry about your denture. I’m not surprised that’s bringing you pain as well as anger. X

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      5. Thanks so much ❤ Can you imagine a loving Goddess/mother who you could go to for comfort. In my darkest moments I have done that. I am suspect about prayer but lately I have been using it a lot and it seems to help with the big emotions which can be too much for one person and in this case it sounds like that is how it is for you now. Remember that you are loved. ❤

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    1. Yeah, me too. She’s a poor excuse for a mother isn’t she. The memory just popped into my head like it was there all along, it was scarily fast! And now I can’t believe I ever forgot it. X

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      1. I don’t think you forgot it, I think it was dissociated, that’s why it released as a flashback. Something you forgot feels different, foggier or something. It feels different from a flashback if it’s something you just forgot.

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      2. Do you think your therapy needs to be slowed down a bit? Things are moving very fast for you and it can be a sign of potential flooding.

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