Things have gone south: Emotional Flashback 

Things have gone south. 

I went to the quiz night last night with my boyfriend and his parents. The evening was pleasant until… 

3 women walk towards our table and as I look up, it’s my mother and two of her friends. 

Oh My God. 

I felt a weird panic. Shock, fear, awkwardness. I couldn’t believe she was here. This was my local and she knew I drank here sometimes and that we did this quiz with my boyfriends’s parents…. what was she doing here? And on a Wednesday night? She had never been here before my birthday. Childish I’m like “this is my place. Not your’s”. 

Everyone said hello to one another but the awkwardness was really obvious. My mother put her fake posh look and voice on and said “we came for supper”… supper??? Sorry who are you? Before I knew it, I was saying “Supper? Since when do you use that word?”. Looking back I guess that was a bit aggressive but the words had flown out of my mouth before I had processed them. She was trying to put on an act of some sort of poshness because she thinks my boyfriend’s parents are posh. 

The difference between my boyfriend’s parents and her (and her friends) was so obvious. I really wasn’t enjoying this one bit. I wasn’t prepared for it.

There were a few moments of small talk and then she and her friends left. Nothing more was said. I felt so weird… so uncomfortable…. and I’m not sure if everyone did, or if it was just me, but suddenly it felt as though there was an elephant in the room. Things weren’t being said that were being thought – I wonder if I’m wrong? 

I panicked because I’m scared (or the little me) is that she will tell them I’ve been bad – that I AM bad. Because that’s what she did to me when I was young. She always made stories up to my grandparents and told them in front of me so that they disapproved. She would phone them or my aunty or my sister’s dad or get her latest fling to tell me off. I think that young fear is still there. 

I’m a different person with her to with them. Please don’t ruin this for me…. please don’t tell them I’m bad!!  She always won the crowd – the audience, whoever was watching. How ashamed I was. 

Anyway we got on with our evening and she wasn’t mentioned again. Me and my boyfriend came home and I went straight to bed as it was late and as my head hit the pillows and I grabbed Frank, I cried. 

I didn’t know then what I was crying for and I’m not entirely sure now but I woke up for work this morning and (sorry for tmi) had a very upset tummy. I called in sick and am now in bed with a thumping headache. 

I know not everyone believes in the mind and body link, but I do and so I don’t think it’s any coincidence that this happened, that I cried and that I’m feeling crap. But I can’t put my finger on what upset me so much. 

I’ve had my mind and body book out and looked up my symptoms to see if that helped, diarrhoea mainly pointing towards not being able to hold on to something anymore, being scared shitless or feeling as though you’ve been hit in the guts. The headache points to too much time in the head and repressed feelings. 

The thing is I’ve been aware that I’ve been really overeating. I feel constantly hungry at the moment and I’ve not been caring what I’m eating or how much. And I haven’t been to the gym like I usually do. This is a huge change from previous months where I’ve been eating a certain amount of calories and exercising a lot. I put this down to the break but now I’m not so sure. It’s no surprise my stomach is chucking it all out, there’s too much!! It’s also made me think back to a time when I used to starve myself and hide my food in my bedroom bin and then get told off… no I’m doing the opposite. 

My boyfriend had to go to work and I really wanted him to stay and cuddle me. Problem is he’s scared of getting ill and so won’t come near me when I’m sick. 

I’m really in touch with this needy feeling of needing to be looked after. As I write this tears are dripping down my face. 

I wish I could expand on that a bit, but I don’t think I can. I just have this craving to be looked after and made better. I wish someone was here to give me a cuddle, let me cry on them, maybe cook me soup at lunch and make me feel loved. I need love.

I’m crying because I need love. I want love and affection and to feel looked after. Instead I’m eating food and that’s making me ill as my stomach tries to tell me “no, that’s not helping!”. Apparently the hole can’t be filled with food.

Maybe I’m a bit regressed and I’m feeling like a child that needs her mummy.

I had a dream earlier this morning that I had made my hamster a new cage up as he had wrecked his. His tube had broken and he was seconds away from escaping and his fur was matted. I bathed him, held him and fixed his cage and tubes. I mothered him. 

That’s why I’m crying isn’t it? This sucks so bad. I feel heartbroken. 

And today and I would normally see T but she’s gone and that makes it hurt even more. 

I need a mummy and she’s gone. Both in the sense that the mummy I wanted never was mine and my therapy mummy is away. I’m feeling alone and in need of being looked after like a child. That mother hole constantly getting bigger. 

I’ve just cried a whole river. Snotty, noisey crying. Wow that was horrible. 

Damn it. 

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21 thoughts on “Things have gone south: Emotional Flashback 

  1. Oh no. That is not the surprise encounter you want on a therapy break.
    I’m sure your in laws won’t think that you’re bad. It’s kinda good that your mum saw some of your anger. She’s so twisted. I doubt that anyone would believe anything she says. I understand the fear of being bad and being punished for not complying.
    The physical symptoms may be your IBS. You may be repressing because you’re on a break and last night was clearly very stressful for you. Your T will be back soon. Self care day for you x

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    1. No it’s not, I was so unprepared. It amazes me how much things tap into the young part of me even when I know logically she can’t do things, that worry is still clearly in me so where. Thank you ❤️ xxx

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      1. Thanks for saying that. Maybe that’s right actually….. hopefully people see her being fake even if my reaction wasn’t wonderful.

        Ah yes I’ve never thought of it that way! Perhaps I did switch to child mode… I’ve never thought of it that way!!! Might be why I called my dad out on writing his name in my birthday card before my brain engaged haha 😂😂 xxx

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      2. Well emotionally you are in child mode. The comment may have been the adult part of you deciding not to put up with her bullshit! It’s like a vocal rolling of the eyes. If you hadn’t said anything she may have done something else to get a reaction and attention.
        My dad has written his name on text messages to me before and it made me angry! The child mode thing relates more to transactional analysis where if someone spoken to like a child by a parent as an adult, they will revert to child mode. Your mum triggers your child emotions of shame and guilt. xx

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      3. Oh no, has he? That’s horrible. Do you ever say anything to him? Do you acknowledge it or not bother? For me it was just very symbolic of a lifetime of him not playing his “dad role”.

        Yeah that’s right. It was very much a “I call bullshit!!” moment.

        Ah I see….. yes… I’ve realised One bit of me is constantly scared of my mother and yet another bit is not up for taking any more crap – like you said. One part is angry and another part hurt. One part feels ashamed and guilty another part wants to kill her off …. what a conflict! Xx

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  2. Knowing how I behave in certain circumstances myself, which I am trying to make sure my mouth does not go off before I give myself time to process things first, which does take time to work on and although I am much better than I have been, I still have to keep check, so had I been in your circumstances, I know I would have reacted the way you did. You were caught off guard and so you were not prepared.
    What you are feeling is natural and and you will still find you will feel it as you work through this, but in time it will get better. You won’t forget, but you will find a way where the pain lessens. It just takes time and there is no quick way. When you next see T, you could chat about this night if you wanted with anything else. As for not feeling well, that would be the affects from that night. Stress works in strange ways. Take it easy today.

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    1. I feel bad for saying it for a few reasons: 1) because it only reflects badly on me – not her and 2) because I embarrassed her and I shouldn’t have done that.

      I get why I did, like you say engage brain before mouth etc lol, but perhaps I’m now scared of the punishment that will follow from having done that. Which I know is a inner child fear and not necessarily one adult me should fear.

      I can’t wait for the pain to lessen. It feels like it’s constant at the moment and it’s so hard I never seem prepared for it.

      Yeah i think you’re right. I’m still in my pjs and having a cup of tea. I think that’s what I need today xxx

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  3. You have a lot of insight into your feelings and behaviors. That’s great and really helpful. You can see them as patterns which help you not identify so deeply with them. Lots of people can’t see yet. I found, unfortunately though, that just having the insight isn’t enough and will not stop me from running my patterns – only to end up feeling one or two of those sought after, familiar feelings – shame, depression, embarrassment, self-loathing, and believing things like “I’m not lovable,” “I’m worthless.” It’s these feelings our patterns are trying desperately to get access to and they will drag us through the mud till they feel them and take us along for the ride. These feelings are not who we are!!! All the negative beliefs, thoughts, feelings are not you!! I have found that just witnessing the thoughts and feelings, without judgment goes a long way to healing our destructive patterns. I also have had to learn to be a mother to myself . . . I just called my mother last night and she didn’t know who I was. That’s ok, I love her dearly! She is in her own experience, living out the rest of her life this way. I don’t need anything from her – thank God! It wasn’t easy… Take care of you!!!

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    1. Yeah I have more insight than I used to thanks to all the therapy insights but do find myself repeating certain things like you say. I still struggle to figure out what’s upsetting me, I have to write it out to process it but always feel better once I have and much more able to validate that bit of myself.

      The mothering yourself but I’m still struggling with. I know that’s where I’ll ultimately end up but I’m in conflict with that at present because I feel (perhaps immaturely) like saying “no. I’m too young to be my own mum! I shouldn’t have to” – which obviously rationally I can respond to and say I’m an adult now. And although it isn’t fair, it is what it is….. I’m sure that will change in time.

      Is your mother poorly? Dementia? That sounds so horrible. How do you stay strong?

      Thank you for commenting x

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  4. Yes, my mom has dementia. My dad died a few years ago with Alzheimers. I was able to be complete with both of them by working through my “stuff” and the things I blamed them for, like the example you used above . . . I shouldn’t have to . . . [be my own mom.] I have been working steadily to free myself from the victim program. I have every excuse in the book to feel like a victim, but what for? I got sick of being abused twenty years after leaving my family home – I was doing it to myself! I thought – my God, I am continuing the abuse by doing it to myself!!! I had enough! Once I said enough of that crap – help came. I began my healing journey. It’s not easy by any means. I had to feel everything I was pushing down and address the victim/victimizer program that had been in my family line for generations. I was a victim AND a victimizer who judged my parents. If I am beating my own self up, how am I different from them. I couldn’t help it either, why should I expect them to be able to control themselves? So I became strong inside by claiming myself. I have freedom now just to let my mother be, in her own world, in total unconditional love and acceptance. My next blog actually is on questioning our negative beliefs. I see you are starting to question things already, that’s great!! There is a simple method for getting rid of them for good!! I’ll be posting in the next day or two about it.

    You are on the right path! Keep on keeping on!!

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  5. WTF!

    I’d have quite liked you to say the “sorry, who are you?!” line! Gold! 👊👊

    I very much relate to that fear of having people turned against you, my ex used to do it to me a lot and yet we were still in a relationship. It’s weird, like being outcast but still being trapped in the same room with that person and everyone else that’s be lured to their side. Not free to say “screw you” leave the room and go find new friends, I’d have to put up with whatever crap came my way to be accepted back into safety.

    I would hope it’s unlikely she’d pull the wool over his family’s eyes, because they’re not already in her circle, she won’t have the same influence. They’re likely indifferent to her, or will see straight through her. It’s also horrible to be put in a position where she draws out behaviour from you that you didn’t want his family to witness, but again they see what you’re like most of the time, so it would be obvious that she touches a nerve.

    I also agree with the body mind link. I read something by Jebkinnison on dismissive-avoidants that explained they can be so out of touch with their own emotions that they experience them as stomach aches etc. So I guess we are all capable of having that type of reaction when we can’t process a feeling, because it winds the body up and it has to go somewhere.

    I’m so sorry she’s shown her face during a break!!

    Big hugs xxxx

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    1. Thanks lovely. You always give such thoughtful comments I love reading them.

      Your ex sounds horrendous with what you’ve already told me, and now this! I can’t believe he treated you so appallingly! What an arsehole. I hope he is miserable now.

      You see Saturday night before we went to her house, I was stuck on the toilet with horrendous diarrhoea. I got bad stomach cramps, started to sweat, cried and told my boyfriend he had to drive us because I wasn’t able to – this obviously annoys my bf, not because of me, but because he sees what seeing her does to me…. that was all in me preparing to see her so it’s almost as though this morning’s reaction (diarrhoea and stomach aches) was happening after seeing her last night because I didn’t have time to prepare and it all happened and sent my body into panic and shock and whatever else.

      I see now it threw me into an emotional flashback, the feelings were so very real this morning. That’s what happened. I was unprepared and she scared me. I thought she was going to ruin things for me. I see that now.

      As for people falling for her shit… you’re probably right regarding my bf’s parents because they’ve known me over 3 years now and see me all the time – I imagine they’ve got their own theories about my relationship with her. They know simple facts like how rarely I see her, that she has been married 4 times and that she recently broke her leg whilst drunk at a festival…. they are in their late 60s so are very different and so I like to think they fill in the blanks…. BUT you never know for sure and I think my inner child panics she will convince them like she does with everyone else. That she will take them away – I know that’s a young fear.

      The sad truth is, she doesn’t care about my happiness, just her own and she’s a powerful woman. I’ve even had dreams before now that her and T become friends. T has reassured me that she would never, ever see my mother or speak to her. She even said she would close the door or hang up the phone if she were to reach out to her one day. I believe T, but I’ve never had that conversation with my boy friend’s parents because I feel ashamed of my dysfunctional upbringing compared to their “normal” life… I think I’ve tried to cover it all up xx

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  6. Ah 😊, I love your blog and being able to comment (though I hate all the horrible stuff, obviously)

    Yes he was quite the piece of work, but everyone else thought he was amazing which was really difficult. I flip between hoping he’s miserable and not… It’s unlikely he’s changed, but he has a partner and children so for her sake I hope he’s different 😞.

    Oh my lovely she distresses you so much!! It doesnt matter if it’s a young fear, it’s based on real events and is very valid.

    Gosh that’s a strong thing to say, what makes her ‘powerful’?

    I suppose you don’t know for sure that she won’t turn someone against you and take them away, because she’s been so good at it, so again that’s a valid fear. So long as she is in your life, she poses a real genuine threat because she doesn’t do these things by accident, she goes out of her way to do it.

    Shame is an incredibly strong and dangerous emotion, because it keeps you isolated and silenced. You have nothing to be ashamed of, these things happened TO you, even things you might have chosen to do would have been the result of her bad influence and teaching, you can’t be accountable for something you aren’t aware of at the time. I would hope his family wouldn’t judge you, and anyone that does judge you isn’t someone you should have in your life xxx

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  7. What makes her powerful is how easily she manipulates people. She does it so easily and you just don’t realise… she morphs into whatever people want her to be, she’s a chameleon and people find her addictive because she does whatever it is that narcissists do to suck you in so well…. and then they start to withdraw once you’re hooked and you spend the rest of your life (or time with them) basically begging for their approval. I don’t mean she’s good powerful obvs, manipulative and controlling…. she pulls people’s strings… she’s an expert puppeteer… you get the drift.

    It’s only really occurring to me now quite how severe my fear is….. see this is what I mean, I never even knew?! Even after all this therapy it’s only now I’m seeing how severe and deep the fear is…. how she’s impacting my mood, my tears, my thoughts and my body.
    Xxx

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  8. I really felt how painful it was for you to feel a safe space invaded by yout Mum. That would have triggered so much distress and because T is away you regressed to a very young state. Stomache stuff is inner child..no wonder you felt needy. Im so sorry you partner was scared and left you alone when you needed a hug. I hope you found a way to mother yourself. Sending you love. 💖

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    1. Thank you for summing that up so accurately and validating my pain. That’s so helpful and reassuring. I feel so much better today thank you, I’m not sure what helped other than I cried a lot yesterday, wrote on here and had some wonderful comments, had a bath and a nap. Today I feel much happier although I’ve called in sick again as I just can’t face people yet which is naughty but there you go. Inner child needs a break me thinks!! Xx

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