Reaching Out Or Self-Soothing? 

Would reaching out to T actually help? 

I’m torn. Do I try and handle this by myself and prove to myself. and to T, that I am able to regulate myself and hold it in her absence? Will she be proud of me if I do? 

I want to give her a break – that’s what she needs. It’s why she’s taken time off. 

Yet at the same time I’m thinking that she’s always encouraged me to reach out when I need to and encouraged that I don’t go into self-sufficient mode as I always did as a child. 

I think she would rather help to regulate me than hear later that I struggled with it alone. Wouldn’t she? I don’t know. 

I don’t want to isolate myself through shame. I’m trying to fight that pattern. 

I’m okay. I’m surviving it. Like it’s painful and I’m sad and I was thrown into an emotional flashback for sure, BUT I’ve made sense of it now and I’m allowing the sad feelings to come. I’m allowing myself to cry and listen to the child part talking. I’m not falling apart. 

What could she say that would help? She would probably validate my feelings but I’ve already done that for myself (and so have some kind readers) so I don’t think I need that. 
Then there’s the issue that as I don’t know where she is, she may not read or reply to me for hours and hours and that could potentially throw me into abandonment stuff which I don’t need right now. 

She may even reply kindly but it may set off the feeling it’s “not enough” again and so perhaps I’m safer staying at a distance and handling it myself? 

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13 thoughts on “Reaching Out Or Self-Soothing? 

  1. I can only speak from my own experiences, so only please take what resonates with you and discard the rest if it doesn’t fit. I believe YOU are ok! It’s your thoughts that are causing you difficulty. Witness your thoughts, they are not to be believed, don’t entertain them, just let them have their day up in your head. They are trying to pull you into an obsessive loop. They are not who you are. Your feelings are not who you are either. Witness them and that’s it. The more you do this, the easier it gets. I can suggest going for a walk in nature, that’s what I do. Nature is grounding. You can also give it over to God too – a favorite of mine is “I cast the burden on the Christ within and I go free!! I see you as strong and free, I’ll hold you in that space. Take care 🙂

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    1. Hmm I get what you’re saying but when I’m “in it” me, myself and my thoughts seem like we’re one and the same. It’s only once I’ve calmed down I can see more objectively.

      Thank you for giving me these ideas. I’ll certainly try and think this xx

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  2. What do you like to do for self soothing? What usually works best?

    I think your mind might ease a bit if rather than deciding between T or self soothing, you allow yourself both options. Try your self soothing options first, and then contact T if you still feel like you want to afterwards? You could reach out to T now but from how you’re writing I don’t think she’s going to be able to offer enough without being in session, but after some self soothing and grounding and letting your emotions sink in more you might be able to reach for her in a clearer way and so her response may be more comforting?

    Having said all of that 🙄, your anxiety and insecurity loop has been set off and it’s natural to look towards someone you trust for reassurance. Your boyfriend and his family are indeed your territory, and just her presence is a threat, let alone opening her mouth and trying to be appealing and deceptive. If I were in your shoes I would hate for anyone to believe her act, because you don’t want to lose those people to her nonsense, so then you’d be in a battle to fight for their opinion which would involve justifying and defending yourself and telling horrible truth about her which is a risky thing to do as you don’t always know how people will react, who they’ll believe, what they’ll think of you. I get it xxx

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    1. Absolutely 10000% spot on. You summed that up to a t!!!

      As for the self-soothing/contact thing…. I think I’ve regulated myself pretty well since this morning…. I’ve had a bubble bath, watched an episode of Poldark (❤️), I’m still under a blanket with Frank…. and writing on here & these comments have helped bring me back to a more adult place…. so I think I’m okay without her….. I may write a letter to her again that I don’t send xx

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      1. Same life different county!

        Yeah I definitely see how writing here helps with the little therapy community 😍, again I wish I’d set mine up anonymously so I could do the same sometimes!! I just think it would be too obvious now, that someone would twig it was me! 😁 xxxxx

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  3. It’s this “proving something” to someone else that gets me all tied up in a bundle. In a week or so my T is away and I’m already saying things to myself like “I need to show her I can do this alone” blah blah. Which is silly really because it puts unnecessary pressure on us and automatically makes things tougher I think. You haven’t got to prove anything – just try to allow yourself to ‘be’, take each hour as it comes, if you reach out you reach out, if you don’t, you don’t. But just do what you need to do for you, no one else. I shall be reading this comment when I’m going through the same thing in a couple of weeks :p

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    1. You see I know you’re right…. I would be writing this to you if the tables were turned. So why do we do that to ourselves? I don’t know…. I think the worst is over now so hopefully I won’t need to reach out. But there are still 5 full days so who knows lol xx

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      1. It crossed my mind when I wrote you that comment that maybe it’s having a history of trauma that means we feel the need to prove everything. My abuse history had no “proof” therefore the social services did eff all. They admit now that they were wrong but its still left me with this hang up – I need to PROVE everything in my life! Good bad or ugly I get caught up in trying to prove to someone else when really the only person I should be proving anything to is myself. Just a thought.

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      2. Oh wow well yeah that would do it! Poor you, that’s so awful. I’m sorry you were failed by the social services. Admitting they were wrong unfortunately can’t undo the trauma and pain you’ve been left with of course.

        Yeah I think there’s something similar for me, I’m not sure quite what yet…. why do I want to prove anything to anyone? I guess it’s part and parcel of having weak self esteem?? Xx

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