Trigger Warning: Dreams & CSA

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Please take this as a warning that this post contains thoughts and references to CSA and take this as a trigger warning. Please do not read this if you think you may be triggered from it.

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Spider Dream/CSA dream link
A reader commented last night that if she had a dream like my spider one, that for her, it could be a CSA dream.  I went to sleep thinking about whether there was any possibility the spider dream could link in to any of the CSA stuff that happened to me from my mother’s boyfriend.

I fell asleep thinking about this possibility and how it could fit.. I thought surely she didn’t know that was happening and let it happen? Surely she didn’t somehow weirdly enjoy it, surely she didn’t turn a blind eye?. [I thought this based on the feelings the dream brought me which were that she wasn’t acknowledging how much pain I was in and was forcing me to eat the spiders (take the medicine) whilst she had a look on her face that she would secretly and cruelly enjoy watching me do it].

As I thought these things, something weird happened in my body. I’m not sure how to explain that. It was as if something dropped, moved? My stomach flipped or.. oh I don’t know how to explain it.  I can only liken it to heart-felt horror/stomach-flipping sickness… I’m making no sense. I dismissed it as me being stupid. Of course she didn’t. I then scolded myself for having even contemplated this.

But today I remember that this is the second dream I’ve had (admittedly in over a year I imagine) which leaves me with this feeling. In the last dream he was abusing me on the sofa (where he really did) and she had opened her bedroom door to call him to bed, but saw what was happening and closed the door again.  That dream left me feeling cold and sick. It really shook me up and I sent it to T at the time. I hadn’t thought of this for a long time until now. I need to dig that old dream out.

Now I am asking myself am I in denial? Did she? Have I touched on a truth somehow? The thought that she knew makes me want to kill her. The thought that she could possibly have known at the time and left me to deal with it alone makes me never want to see or speak to her ever again. But I have no proof of this and so I am speaking very much hypothetically I know.

And I won’t ever know anyway, will I? I will never know for sure and she will never admit it so what good would it do me to think this way?

 

Last night’s Dream
Anyway, I then had another dream last night which I detail here:

My boyfriend’s friend Tim text and said I could drive the Aldi now (this was somehow meant to signify that I was highly ranked/thought of in his opinion). He then told me by accident how he had enjoyed his afternoon at the F1 with my boyfriend. I didn’t know about the F1 and my boyfriend had pretended to go to work that day, even wearing work clothes and so he had clearly lied to me. I was furious. I later confronted my boyfriend and tricked him by asking how work was. He said it was alright and so I let rip and told him he was a liar. I was furious with him and very hurt.

Later I was at a vending machine of sorts (not food) and a load of “stuff” fell out. I can’t remember what the “stuff was”, but it was expensive. It totalled about £5,500 and I wasn’t sure whether my card had been charged for this, or whether it had come out by accident and was therefore free. I debated letting the debt accumulate on my card and paying it off anyway over a period of years (which somehow was due to not wanting to admit I couldn’t afford it to someone) but then told myself that was silly, it was over £5,000. I snuck back into a room where people were asleep and hid “the stuff” in my bed covers in the dark.  My bed was on the floor by the window. The curtains were drawn and the other people were sound asleep.

Later Tim said that I could only drive the shit car again (symbolising my low ranking) although this was unconnected with the vending machine thing).

I then heard my boss say something nasty about me and he then went into a meeting room with people and I was angry about what I had heard him say.

This dream clearly has a theme of anger and betrayal. My boyfriend betrayed me by having not told me something and having actively lied to me about it. My boss upset and angered me by saying nasty things about me behind my back.  The vending machine part is the bit that is a little…. Well, I’m not sure yet but it feels as though there is a possibility it’s related to the CSA theme. I just have this weird feeling in my gut that there is some part of it that is.. although I’m now worried I am making things up in my head?? Something about the money and the hiding in the bed that touches on the stuff that really did happen.

 

Earlier in the evening and today
Last night I thought to myself that the letter I wrote to T earlier in the day hadn’t helped with the connection, it had actually made it worse. I Googled “why are therapy breaks so hard” and was reading a few of the results when my boyfriend started to talk to me about train times and stuff for our night out tonight with his parents. I snapped at him a few times and said I didn’t care and I didn’t want to talk about it anymore and that I didn’t even want to go the stupid quiz. THEY did, not me. I then shouted to the hamster to shut up in his wheel (I never do that). I knew instantly I was misdirecting my anger.

It was totally disproportionate and uncalled for. I think I used it as an excuse to “get angry”. Perhaps my real anger was about the break or about being fed up of seeing his “perfect” family. Going to the quiz really cements the feeling of being stupid because I sit there the entire evening not knowing a single question when they are all very clever and it makes me feel like I could leave and nobody would notice or care. And I am bored.

I love his family but I don’t want to go. I don’t actually have much inclination to go anywhere at the moment. My team at work sent an invite today for drinks after work on Monday and I’ve declined (because it’s the love island final – don’t judge!) which hasn’t gone down well but I feel like I’m being childishly stubborn and am saying “tough shit, it’s what I want to do”. Colleagues are laughing at me as though they can’t quite believe I am being this honest and trying to persuade me to just come for one or two and I’m being bratty like “No. I said no”. I never do this… I am always polite enough to go even if I don’t want to and whilst I am sure that having a boundary is a healthy thing?…  I’m not bothered about how I am being perceived.  Who wants to go out drinking on a Monday night?

I just want to go home … I want to go home and being comfortable.. sit on the sofa, eat food (which I’ve been doing way too much of since the break and I can’t stop!), watch tv and sleep. I have no interest in going out for drinks or for quiz nights…  and back to the quiz night it makes me think “Jesus, we see your family all the bloody time” which is so nasty and unfair because I always enjoy it and I love his parents.. so why the nastiness? Jealousy perhaps?

 

 

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22 thoughts on “Trigger Warning: Dreams & CSA

  1. No disrespect and I mean this well, but a therapist wouldn’t imply that you were sexually abused so why are other readers…? I know I made some stupid comments on Sunday which I apologise for but that did concern me. I’m not saying that it didn’t happen but I wouldn’t plant thoughts in someone else’s head like that. xx

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      1. I try not to read too much into dreams but the first dream seems like a repressed memory. They are usually your brain trying to process emotions. Definitely something to raise with your T. I’ll shut up now x

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      2. Someone else said that but surely it can’t be an actual memory of her forcing me to eat spiders? It’s all very confusing!!

        It just made me feel so weird, that’s what’s got me thinking! X

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      3. I’m not sure about the spiders thing but everyone is so I’m not commenting on that. But your mum may not have known but it may be that your brain is ready or getting ready to process the CSA. You probably didn’t deal with it a year ago because you may not have been in right place. You have a strong, trusted relationship with your T now. I’m not surprised you’re confused though! x

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  2. I stand by my comment on the previous post about the spider dream, but not surprised you’ve had more dreams since CSA was mentioned and it’s sounds like now CSA memories are making their way in.

    Is this the first time you’ve ever considered that your mum might have known? I know a few people that have experienced CSA and the mothers knew, that doesn’t mean yours did of course, but something made you consider it. X

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    1. Well as I said in my blog, I considered it in another dream which I’m going to try and dig out where she opened a door, saw what he was doing and closed it again. But I kinda forgot since then (which is probably denial koz the thought it’s horrific) xx

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      1. Oh *duh* sorry I’d rolled this all into one dream in my head. Well yeah flipping heck of course you would, that possibility is beyond horrific 😞. X

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      2. I’ve just found the dream. 27th October 2015. It says

        “Next was back at that house but it was being lived in by me and my mum – I was sneaking around at night time looking for something I think… [abuser] was asleep on the sofa and I remember thinking that was strange… Mum opened her door to see what the noise was, she saw me and just closed her door again.

        And there’s another one where he actually rapes me in the bathroom (this affected me for days, I even went to a&e with physical pain down below!!!!) and I was screaming her name but no noise was coming out. That dream was 7 November 2015…. xx

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      3. Yeah, both of them…. to be honest, T always makes more comment about how she thinks (and she says this WAYYYY more delicately than this) that I try to put more of my upset, anger and fear feelings into this and what HE did rather than the fact that she didn’t protect me – she said that he is the easier person to blame and that blaming him keeps it away from her. I’ve spoken many times about how I wish I had never told my mother and that I had this weird fantasy of telling her on my wedding day – which I’ve blogged about before. The general conversation has come up over the years.

        I could be way off the mark here, I’m not even entirely sure how I’ve got here but now I’ve freaked myself out I guess.

        What he did to me physically as far as I can remember wasn’t too bad, but it was extremely scary for me being so young and defenceless at the time obviously. I think it was more the fear of not being believed (which eventually came true), the confusion that I was old enough to handle it and should be acting more mature about it (which I couldn’t have, because I was a child) and then having it hanging over me all those years until I told her…… it had an affect on me for sure but perhaps T is right that it wasn’t so much his physical act, but the other stuff.

        Sorry totally going off on one now!!! My head has turned to mush. x

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      4. Oh my lovely I am so sorry. I would be inclined to agree with T… from other things you’ve mentioned that she’s done it’s clear that not only was she not your protector, but she actively put you in harms way with men, whether she knew about the abuse or not. Her actions alone were abuse.

        Sorry I didn’t mean to turn your head to mush 😞 x

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      5. Oh love, you haven’t done that. I’ve done that to myself lol!!

        Yes, she certainly wasn’t my protector and she did put me in harms way, she encouraged me to be sexual with men, luckily that wasn’t in my nature but she sure tried over and over again and when I tell T things, she seems to be horrified.

        But the thought she may have actively known makes me want to die a bit. I don’t think I could speak to her anymore at all. Ever.

        She is sexually very promiscuous herself and into very odd things (in my opinion) but that’s another level isn’t it.

        It’s just the spiders dream was like … ugh that cruel subtle enjoyment of my pain. That’s what’s done it. X x

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      6. My heart breaks just by you saying T ‘seems’ to be horrified. I’m bloody horrified! It just shows how extensive it was, that even though logically now you know it was far from OK, a part of you finds it normal because it’s all you knew. She makes me so angry! 😠

        That would be the ultimate betrayal, but in my opinion she’s already waaaaaaaay past having any entitlement to inclusion in your life.

        I wouldn’t be surprised if she was abused herself (can’t remember if that’s been discussed anywhere before?) but something had to have desensitised her for her to behave that way herself.

        I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. That’s exactly what she does, she enjoys it when you (and anyone else) are suffering, she needs it like she needs air. X

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      7. I’m constantly worried that I’m feeling too sorry for myself or making a bigger deal out of things than I should be…. I thought T would have been appalled at the sexual abuse stuff but she never did seem to be and as I say, always directed it more about my mother. She’s always clearly said what he did was wrong (obviously) but I never felt like she understood the full impact all the grooming and the violation of my trust and the fear he caused me – caused… yet I do get what she means about him being the easy one to blame koz she should have been able to protect me and I should have been able to tell her knowing she would protect me. But I didn’t koz I worried she would pick him over me and not believe me. Xx

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      8. Wow no, you are categorically not making a big deal out of this. You get to feel sorry for yourself if just one of these things happened to you! Lines were crossed all over the place, and the fact they were crossed is enough, not how far past the line it went and whether someone else experienced worse. No. We have basic lines, all of us, and you have are entitled to your feelings when one is crossed, let alone that they were crossed as a child when you didnt know the lines existed nor how to heal from it.

        I’m surprised T hasnt given you that impression, you should let her know that’s how you feel, I think that’s important to share.

        How awful that your instincts were that you couldn’t trust her with that information, but rightly so. You knew that from experience.

        And yikes about your Nan. You mentioned her a while ago and seemed to be questioning that relationship. It would make sense.

        I’m actually slightly hopeful that maybe she didn’t know as you said she fell apart. Obviously it’s infuriating that she made that about her 😑 but it sounds like it might have touched nerves for her and she’s had to shut it down so she doesn’t have to deal with it…if she knew I’d expect maybe a response that was unusually calm, or defensive?

        X

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      9. I’ve asked if she was ever abused herself and she says no. I’ve often thought she has been too. She’s got one hell of a wound and I know her dad wasn’t in her life, I’m now starting to think my Nan maybe treated her similarly to how she treated me, although that’s a tough pill to swallow too, it seems likely given the way these things work out !!! ….. her sexual behaviour has always indicated some kind of sexual abuse but not that she’s ever admitted. She did not deal well with mine when I eventually spoke out – she fell apart initially, made it all about her and then blocked it out never to be mentioned again… oh and accused me once in a row of making it up. X

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  3. Dear Twinkletoes,
    You have some horrid dreams and even more horrid memories. I am so sorry this happened.
    What I think to know from memories about abuse (of any kind) is that they come to surface themselves. I have found over the years that things will unfold when the body memory / subconscious / whatever you want to call it, is ready to let go. Suppressing memories is a survial technique, I think (not sure) that when you start to feel more founded, find healing, the survival technique will be less needed. Also, I’m thinking writing helps. Dream books give the tip to first write the dream and how you experienced it in the dream and only afterwards try to interpret this. Where ‘how you feel’ is often more important than what the symbols are. Also, write in the present tense, that puts you back in the experience of the dream and helps you remember better (not sure if that is nice to experience:-( ).
    Concerning going for a drink with your co-workers: to me it looks like you are (re)discovering your boundaries and testing them. I’m not a therapist but if I were to explain such behaviour within myself I would say: I don’t like to go for drinks on a Monday, but the force and direction of my reply come from a whole different source in me than disliking the event. Same with your boyfriends family. Would it be possible to just say so? I found that makes things easier.
    Hugs, Feeling

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