Random Thoughts: Sense of Self

I hate Mondays. Doesn’t everyone hate Mondays?

They are made even worse at the moment due to the fact that I have no work to do – at work and so my days consist of sitting at a desk trying to keep myself occupied whilst not making it too obvious that I have nothing to do! Clock-watching is painful. The days feel like they will never end.

On the bright side, I feel happy today – contented I guess. Not hyper. I am still quite shocked by yesterday’s revelation and keep replaying the whole conversation over and over in my head to try to set it there in stone. I woke up this morning with a sense of contentedness – a feeling that I usually wake up with on therapy days. As I had only been awake for a second or two I thought that was what it was so that was a shame, but then I realised what that happy feeling was (the revelation) and felt it was a decent trade-off.

The Break So Far

Today is day 4 of not seeing T, although it seems unfair to be counting already because my first session wouldn’t usually take place until tomorrow and as it is Monday, perhaps it should be day 1… but for me, I’m 4 days into a 12 day break. I’m doing alright which is nice, although I have questioned whether I really am doing alright or whether I’m in “self-sufficient repressing all my feelings mode” – that does happen.

But no, I think I am okay actually. How do you really know?

 

Books/Films

I’ve been getting a lot of enjoyment from reading, writing on here, watching film adaptations after reading novels, watching my new fur baby run around and of course seeing Frank sitting on my bed reminding me of T.

This weekend I watched Wuthering Heights, Sense & Sensibility and Emma and I enjoyed them all (although Gwyneth Paltrow was quite irritating in Emma it I have to say). I’ve been reading a book by Nick Hornby and called High Fidelity which is very funny and I only have about 40 pages left so I will finish that tonight and start the next book I’ve brought which is called Hotel Du Lac.

I have this new passion for things like this and I’m not sure where its come from. I read my first classic novel only a year ago, Jane Eyre and I loved it. Since then I’ve read Pride and Prejudice and a book called I Capture The Castle by Dodie Smith which isn’t quite so well-known, they have got me a bit addicted I guess. Today I’ve decided to order Shakespeare in Love, Much Ado About Nothing and A Midsummer Night’s Dream – all stories that I should know, but don’t. I’m playing catch up which leads me to my next thought…

jane eyre quote

 

Intelligence

T has been really trying lately to make me believe that I am clever. I don’t believe this and I never have and actually if the truth be known, I don’t really like her doing it. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I don’t like to sit there disagreeing with her because it just looks like I am fishing for compliments and she just tells me I am wrong, yet I can’t agree with her because that doesn’t sit well with me.

I told my boyfriend this last night and he said, very diplomatically, that I might not know as much “general knowledge” as you might expect, but that he puts this down to the fact that I didn’t have parents around to teach me. He said that the things I don’t know tend to be things that parents teach their kids rather than things you learn at school. I am not sure I agree with him, although obviously I don’t doubt the benefit people have if they have intelligent parents trying to encourage their child’s learning.

This weekend at my mother’s house, we were playing some games and she said “TT won’t get this you may as well take it”.  Well I did get it.  I wasn’t the first to get it, but I wasn’t the last either and my step-brother didn’t get it at all and he genuinely IS very bright. I felt rather smug. We then went on to do answer some riddles and I managed to answer about 6 in a row correctly and she said “blimey, what’s got into you?” so it doesn’t take a genius to work out where that lack of intelligence or that belief has come from.

T means well, obviously – but I don’t want smoke blown up my arse. I don’t want to be lied to, but I DO want to improve my intelligence and so I think that in a way reading these classic novels, watching these film adaptations – the Bronte’s and the Jane Austen’s and now dipping my toe into some Shakespeare I am trying to improve my knowledge(?).  I can’t say I’m ever going to be very good at maths, history or geography or perhaps the things that are more useful in life, but hey – every little helps, right?

On the build up to the most recent election I did study the manifestos to get a basic understanding of who I wanted to vote for rather than just going with the majority or voting for whoever my boyfriend voted for (I actually went against most people’s preference in the end!). These things weren’t encouraged when I was growing up (mainly because my mother isn’t intelligent either and has no understanding of politics at all) and so I hadn’t even voted until 2015. I did however thoroughly enjoy sitting at my mother’s house a few months back reeling off all my new knowledge where I felt smug and as though I was passively saying to her “Haha, I know things and you don’t!”. I know, I am very mature. I have to get my kicks where I can as far as she is concerned.

My mother is a chameleon and tries to fake interest in everything and anything. Whatever people are currently discussing. For example during the world cup she became a sudden fan of football and she basically copies whatever she’s heard other people say and tries to make out she is knowledgeable on the subject and it is rather cringe worthy.  Anyway, less about her, how did she make it here? Go away mother.

 

Sense of Self

I think what I am doing is trying to find a sense of who I am. The real me and not the person that I thought I was, or the person I was told I was. It is quite exciting really. I feel like the world is suddenly offering lots of things which I could have a go at, get involved in.. try….I’ve not felt that before.  I even tried badminton recently on holiday and assumed I would be terrible at it but I was actually okay! Not great, but not bad either and more importantly I guess, I enjoyed it. I’ve never been one to try things for fear of failure I guess.

I’ve just been sitting on Amazon (not literally) and found a “Listography”. Google it, there are loads of different types and as the name suggests, you make lists about whatever subject it is.  There are listography’s for music, films, books etc. I’ve just ordered one called “My Inner Self In Lists” – what better way to get to know myself and watch the transformation as it happens?

listography

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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14 thoughts on “Random Thoughts: Sense of Self

  1. Ooooooo I’ve been doing this too! I feel like I’ve been let out of a cage or something 😬

    I consider myself an intelligent person but I question that when it comes to general knowledge because I’m bloody terrible at it, and I don’t even want to change it, ha! It feels like a dreadfully boring waste of my time, but I read psychology stuff at every opportunity!

    I’m actually starting to feel sorry for your mum! Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to give her a hug, I’d still like to punch her in the face 🙄, but Im really grasping just how horribly sad her life is… I guess because you are getting it and your writing is starting to reflect that and give insight in a new way. You should be proud of that!

    X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I consider you intelligent too!!

      (Hit her in the face with baseball bat – not hit her that is too tame)….

      Am I giving a new insight into her sad life? what kind of thing do you mean? xx

      Like

      1. Aw thanks 😁. I think general knowledge is overrated 😉 and it’s definitely clear the narc has made you believe you’re not intelligent. If you’ve been fed that lie from a young age then I bet there’s things you could have done but didn’t do well at or maybe didn’t even try because you already thought you couldn’t do it. That makes me cross, screw her! Where’s that damn bat!!

        Yeah I dunno it came to me as I was writing the comment. I think the things you’ve said more about what her behaviour is like in general, rather than how she makes you feel or what she’d do to you if that makes any sense? Like partying with kids, wanting your dad to still be screwing up, pretending to be interested in things like the world cup etc to give off a certain impression when it must be blindly obvious she’s talking out of her arse… It could be that you’ve done nothing different and I’m just reading it differently, but the sense I get is more of a detachment from her, and so your analysing her from a more outside perspective, rather than being enmeshed in the shit she’s managed to stir for your personal life.

        Not sure if I’m making sense, but I also don’t know how to word it any better right now 🙃 xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oohh interesting!!!

        Yes I fully believe (today) that I could have been and done much more than I have if I had a different internalised voice. For example I only passed my driving test last year after taking lessons and quitting over and over and over again (for 10 years!!) and that, I now see, was at least partly down to the fact that she always said I shouldn’t be able to be on the road, that I would be a danger to everyone else. She would make jokes about how not everyone was naturally able to drive and then tell me how wonderful she is at driving and how she passed her test first time. I guess some kids would grow up wanting to prove her wrong but I wasn’t one of them. I believed her and so I never took a test – I just hated it and cried a lot. Then I guess with the help of my T and my boyfriend, last year I finally stuck it out and I passed – first time (like my mother!) with only 3 minors, I was so happy but even then she managed to ruin it for me by saying that the examiner had only passed me because I work in the City and so wouldn’t be driving much………….. (I now feel anger about this).

        I think you are right. I think the more I am detaching from her, the more I am properly seeing the dysfunction and the things she does – the more I am reflecting on it all and that’s what you are picking up on. I think in part that is because as I slowly start to realise and believe(!) that it isn’t me that is all wrong, I am starting to feel safer to tell the truth about these things and as I write them nowadays, it brings the full force of the toxic crap out.

        xx

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      3. Oh my god exactly that type of thing!! Toxic is the right word!! I hope you keep pushing and doing more and more because I’d bet good money that you’ll be able to do it all. I can’t think of an exact story but I feel like this is probably covered by Disney somewhere!

        I believed for ages that I was a miserable mess that noone wanted to be around, because my ex would tell me daily that I was miserable. Words are really powerful. One day someone at work told me how bubbly I was…I couldn’t believe it, my actual response was “oh no, I’m miserable”. Who says that?! I say it now and think I must have been responding like a complete robot, I was programmed to think that and so I acted it out too, but not when he wasn’t around at work clearly! That was a massive turning point for more, and what probably became one of the big nails in our relationship coffin. Thank god! X

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Oh wow that’s incredible! I am so glad you had that moment of realisation and realised he was wrong. I assume he was projecting was he? Twat. I’m glad you got rid!! Xx

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      5. Ooo I dunno, maybe. He played the big ego well at times but underneath it had terribly low self esteem due to his weight as he was quite overweight at the time (he slimmed right down afterwards, decked out in designer clothes, the lot!), and I think he subconsciously had to keep my self esteem low and put me down so that I wouldnt leave. But I went back 2 years later and I can tell you there was no change, just a different appearance, it seemed promising at first but slowly all the same behaviours started coming out. One day when I was questioning my life, my mum asked me “where has my strong girl gone?”. I’d built myself up over those 2 years apart, and over the next 2 years together he wore me right back down again. Bit annoyed it took me another 2 years but grateful I finally got there x

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Wow 😳 honestly that’s one hell of a story!!!! I am so glad you reevaluated your life and your worth. I hope that you no longer feel like that because you deserve so much more.

        It’s pretty incredible how mere words have such a lasting impact on us!!! Xx

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      7. I consider you intelligent!! Sorry what a moron, it didn’t occur to me to directly reassure you on that part because I’m so confident that doubt is all your bloody mother!

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  2. I love reading fiction. It can give you insights and I relish each new novel. Its so exciting that you are now starting to explore who you are inside…. there are so many aspects to intelligence, I don’t think it comes without deeper personal insight into yourself and others and that may take time and a lot of experiences, its very different to knowledge. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like this. I couldn’t quite find the words because I know that finding your “self” isn’t intelligence, but it does feel like something similar. Insight is probably the right word, thanks.

      Any reccommendations for great fiction novels? x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I will have a think about it. I am reading a book I love at the moment called The Crying Place about a man whose best friend suicides and this sends him on a journey into he heart of Australia to find the man’s partner. I am a bit forgetful of titles and have just had my front tooth out so am in a fair bit of pain so its a bit harder to think clearly. x

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