Sudden Bad Mood

I wrote this yesterday but didn’t have time to type it up, for the sake of keeping track of my feelings and my journey to heal in general, I am posting it now and will then post today’s entry, which follows on from this. 

 

Saturday 16th July 

I’d like to curl up on the sofa and write with a blanket and a cup of tea but the kids are here and naturally noisy and nosy and so I can’t do that. So consider yourself being “spoken to” from the loo! Don’t worry, no toileting is going on, but it’s the only room with a lock!

I am writing because I’m trying to catch my mood. Very quickly I’ve gone from relaxed and happy to moody. The change was so fast and I want to see if I can figure out what has happened.

As I came out of the shower my boyfriend said “I know you hate it when I ask this, but how long will you be?” Aggh. I DO hate that. Like ffs, it’s literally my only little bit of peace of the weekend so maybe that is a tiny bit of it, but no, it isn’t that…

I went to my room to get dressed and chucked on a pair of jeans. I then hunted for a top. I found one and put it on, it reminded me of mother’s day. I wore it that day when I saw her. I’m seeing her tonight. Would she approve of that top? She said she liked it that day (which amused me because she actually gave me that top years ago and had forgotten so effectively she approved of herself!) LOL.

I decided it was too creased and then went a found a different top, a pink one. I went and ironed that (I know right??) and as I ironed it I realised it was the top I had brought to wear the day we went on holiday. The same location my dad and his family have just returned from yesterday. The holiday I wasn’t able to go on because of him saying they were no longer going and telling me to book my own… and then booking it. AGH.

I laughed in my head that I’d reminded myself of this all from a top. Perhaps I had chosen it because of this. I’m not too sure.

And now I’m in the loo in a mood… I guess there is a few reasons there.

Last night one of my brother’s text me, quite late saying “Hi sis, what are you up to this weekend?“.  I wasn’t particularly pleased that he had text me because I was hoping to delay the “how great was your family holiday” chat that I inevitably had to suffer…. so now I was forced into it.  So I asked as I had to and he said how amazing it was and listed out everything they all did…. (the photos all over social media helped this too).  He then said maybe next year we could all go together. …..

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGGGHHHHH ANGER, ANGER, ANGER, RAGE………..

BREATHE… BREATHE… BREATHEEEEEEE 

Yep, that would be good. I was gutted that i couldn’t come this time. I felt left behind :o(

Well we did offer

MORE ANGER, MORE ANGER, MORE ANGER…………………… AGGHHHHHHHHHH. BREATHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. 

Well Dad said you wasn’t going anymore when I asked whether we should hold off, or book a holiday for ourselves, so we booked our’s and then you all booked”.

Yeah, it took us a while to get dates for everyone sorted”

Anyway, never mind. I’m glad you had fun” 

SO ANGRY.

Angry that it’s coming from him and not my dad. Angry that my dad still hasn’t acknowledged anything at all – that he hasn’t mentioned the holiday stuff AT ALL.  Wondering why brother felt the need to text me the same day they’ve got back (when he doesn’t ever text me).  Angry because I always feel like the bad guy. The “troublemaker” the one that kicks off all the time if I feel rejected or left out – which happens A LOT. It is always ME with the problem – not them.

Their a close unit and I imagine they all chat about me, about how they offered for me to come but that I didn’t want to (not true) and so what right did I have to feel left out….  I am always the fucking ugly ducking. The black swan. It was the same last month when they all went out for my brother’s birthday meal and didn’t invite me. Again.

I know I’m jealous. I get that. I know it’s my dad’s issue and that it’s never been any different – that perhaps I should be used to it or over it. But nope. Apparently it still hurts despite this and all the ways I try not to let it get to me, it still does.

***

I’m going to my mum’s tonight – that won’t be helping matters. I’ll be worried (consciously or not) about how I look. Fat? Bad clothes? Bad hair? Ugly? I’ll be worried about seeing “that face”, the look she pulls of “god this is boring”… hearing/seeing her fake laugh, of hearing her say “how’s work?” to my boyfriend who she “secretly” hates and thinks we don’t know……..

I worry about conversation drying up – of having nothing to say….

Then there’s the whole debacle of staying over or not. If we stay then nine out of ten times I get left alone with her because my boyfriend and her husband take themselves off to bed earlier. This is when she decides to tell me stuff that she shouldn’t. Stuff like the fact she hasn’t had sex with her husband for weeks and how he wants it a lot and she doesn’t anymore… that she is having an affair… or it’s where she tries to pick holes in my life, attack my boyfriend and ask why I am not pregnant or engaged yet.

If we don’t stay, my boyfriend calls the shots because he hates being there and he will want to leave before I do and I feel like I have no control over anything…

It’s all wank. (sorry).

 

 

 

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Sudden Bad Mood

  1. It is wank yes!
    I don’t think that your brother is trying to gloat about their holiday. Maybe he text you because he wanted to and he was thinking about you. I’m sure that they don’t they don’t talk about you negatively like that. Most people will ‘kick off’ if they’re not happy about something. It doesn’t make them a problem. Unless it’s all the time! It sounds like they all dithered about the holiday and eventually made a decision. It sounds like you’re not in regular contact with your brother so he won’t know what you have been through. He may be pretty horrified if he knew too. A lot of it is down to the fact that your dad is clearly quite useless with communication and doesn’t seem to think before he acts. We are a different generation than our parents and maybe you can build a relationship with your brother(s) in the future.
    I am as usual appalled by your mum. There are no words sometimes. She is unbelievable.
    Feel free to disregard my attempt at positivity. I just don’t think that ‘poor you’ would help you. It would indulge the belief that you’re a problem and that part of the family don’t care, and it’s probably not true. It’s not an attempt to minimise your feelings either. The anger and hurt are still well justified. x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I think you are right actually and my next post will concur with that. I’ve been pretty distorted into thinking I have been the problem and because of that, I guess I’ve seen “evidence” of rejection all over the place.

      Thank you for saying you are appalled at my mother – that weirdly makes me feel supported and understood.

      Thank you for taking the time to read that and for the comment. XX

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I take a much less positive view of your dad’s and brother’s behaviour than behindapaintedsmile30 but that is because my parents played these sort of games as well so I’m very cynical. I think if it was just a misunderstanding over the holiday booking they’d be acting at least a bit apologetic about it. Not to mention the birthday. As it is the entire family seem to be gaslighting you, so I can understand your feeling of confusion and hurt.

    I’m wondering whether there is some way of handling visits to your mother in future that give you more control, rather than feeling as if you’re caught between your mother and your boyfriend and you not getting your needs met either way. I’m not sure exactly what that would mean, but maybe some combination of not staying over but making the timing of leaving more in your hands than bf’s – definitely something to work out in advance and have a plan that you stick to and back each other up on.

    It takes a long time and a lot of work to learn how to set boundaries with narcissistic parents and families, and sometimes you can ‘train’ them to accept those boundaries and sometimes you ultimately have to severely limit or cut off contact to protect yourself. But it should always be your choice and at your own pace. I’m sorry that you are in the middle of this. It sucks. But I know you are making good progress and with T’s help are able to see what is happening more objectively. It will get better! xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I did think that too actually. Him just saying “ah TT, please don’t think this was deliberate, I know it looks bad but it wasn’t intentional. That must feel horrible” then I genuinely would have probably got over it and genuinely wished they had fun! But yes. I did feel gaslighted by them and that does make you feel crazy! The amount of times I’ve questioned my own sanity is a joke!

      Yep I think you’re right. Also waking up there feels awful. Today I woke up and when I realised where I was, I thought “oh god…” so not staying there would deffo help. And would prevent my horrible conversations with my mother too…. she wouldn’t like it so we would probably have to make excuses but hey, what can she do? I’m still learning she can’t hurt me anymore I’m still fighting the fear I guess xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. DV makes a brilliant point about gaslighting. that’s exactly it. There’s a thing about certain families, mine included where one member is scapegoated and ostrasized and all of their shit is projected onto that family memeber, and then they deny that their doing that and ” OMG , you’re being way too sensitive!” As if you’re not entitled to recognise their scapegoating and gaslighting far less FEEL hurt by their abusive behaviour and the fact that you do feel hurt by it just confirms what a weird difficult psycho you are!!!
    It’s an awful position to be in. You really hit the jackpot in parent’s didn’t you?

    Would it be possible to get a discussion with your brother and resolve that from now on if any family get-together’s or holidays are arranged between you and your bro, since you dad’s communication isn’t good?
    As for your mum, ugh! Staying at a hotel sounds like a good idea if you ask me. And maybe arrange to go out for a meal as a way of connecting rather than hours in the house which is her territory. That way you’ve done your daughterly duty of visiting but you also have your own space.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah exactly that!! That’s how it feels. Koz they are all together and obviously they see my dad as great (koz they’ve not had the same treatment as me koz they live together and always have), so they all think I’m the issue – not him.

      Yep! I’ve been thinking this a lot lately. I keep feeling embarrassed like I’m having my own little pity party, but truly it feels hugely unfair to have two such useless parents.

      As for your suggestion about my brother… I could but without sounding like a spoilt brat, I shouldn’t have to should I? And I know that’s perhaps a bit petulant koz I should be able to accept my dad for who he is and therefore if he’s shit at comms, I could help things along, but I’m not quite there yet. I still have the mindset of “he should do it”. Yeah i know, flogging a dead horse.

      I mean I was only invited to that engagement party a few months back a few days before & even then it came via my uncle – my dad never mentioned it to me at all! My cousin’s are planning an afternoon tea party for my Nan (my dad’s mother who I’ve had nothing to do with either) and he still hasn’t told me about that, yet alone asked if I’m going – which I’ve now decided I’m not koz I cba.

      I would like the meal idea but my mother can only sit at her house drinking alcohol. That’s all she is capable of doing. She’s been to the house I live in now twice ever and my previous once – she likes it all on her territory. Xx

      Like

      1. Oh, of course she does! Because in her little castle she’s Queen, right? Don’t fall into her trap of saying she’s not capable of going out for a simple fucking dinner. Start making the boundaries TT. You are a grown adult, you tell her the score now and that is ” If you want a relationship with me these are my terms. I will not sit drinking alcohol with you. I WILL spend quality time with you at a nice dinner or a walk in the park or something similar. If you can’t or won’t do that then that’s sad. But the terms stay.”
        Force her to grow the fuck up. You are inviting her to treat you better and not manipulate. As soon as she realised you will not be moved on this, I think you’ll see a change – you’ll see mighty trantrums first though.
        I understand that you’re not there yet with your Dad. But I also feel like you do have a chance at relationships with your brothers, independent of your Dad. Maybe they want their big sister in their life more? Why should you all miss out because your Dad’s a waste of space?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I LOL’d at the image of my mother going for a walk 😂😂😂😂 on a serious note though, you are right. I am an adult and don’t have to accept her rules. The issue is that the thought of sitting in a restaurant with her feels bloody uncomfortable koz she’s so hollow we have so little to talk about…. I think I lean on the drinking to help me through it and she’s probably an alcoholic (which weirdly I had never thought of until T said it!) koz she isn’t the stereotype drunk…

        Yeah you are again (and as always) so right. Perhaps that’s something that will be able to happen when I’ve dealt a bit more with my jealousy and stuff of my brothers and sorted my dad stuff out.

        Thank you for all that you’ve said. Especially the hitting of said mother!! Xx

        Like

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