Only half the picture 

Shortly before I went to bed last night I was scrolling through my Facebook feed when I saw some photos of my mother … at a festival… with my sister and all of her friends (22 years old). My mother was on my stepdad’s shoulders, waving her arms around looking very happy. 

Soon after I felt “moody” and went to bed feeling sick. I didn’t have any conscious thoughts about the reason. 

Then I woke up this mornin instantly aware of my mood. I couldn’t figure out why. I got ready for the day and then went back onto Facebook, screen-shotted the photos and sent them to my boyfriend who was downstairs. (Believe it or not, I was STILL not consciously aware of the photos being the cause of my mood!) 

I had several strops over what to wear, having no clothes, my hair being a mess – standard stuff and then went downstairs and my boyfriend came over and gave me a hug. I said I wasn’t sure what was making me so miserable. Then started talking about my mother and the photos and within seconds I was crying. 

I said how it had really pissed me off that she’s out there, acting like she hasn’t a care in the world and meanwhile I’m going through all of this shit (therapy) because of her. I suddenly felt the injustice of it all. How dare she? I went on to call her a bitter old hag and said she looked old in the photos. I said she was sad for gatecrashing festivals with my little sister and her friends, acting like she’s 21 when she’s 50. 

My boyfriend said he had a feeling this is what had caused me to feel so angry and said that he didn’t blame me. He said some really sweet things about how I would be the happy one and that she would always be full of bitterness and would never truly be happy despite her narcissistic cover up. He told me how strong I am for constantly dealing with all my therapy stuff, despite all of the pain. 

This is a rather new thing for me. Intellectually I have known my mother has issues (a lot of them) and that she’s caused me a lot of hurt in my life, but until recently I haven’t been in touch with the feelings behind this. 

So, hello anger. I think we should get acquainted because I have a feeling we’re going to become friends. 

Mother: fuck you. 

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26 thoughts on “Only half the picture 

  1. Epic points to the boyfriend, he’s so right. I’ve been feeling this way about the friendship that’s ended since I’ve been in therapy… how dare they swan off and continue with life, they dont deserve to be happy after what they did *sigh*

    X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally get the friendship loss thing. I’ve also lost a friendship since therapy. It’s not that I want her to be miserable (mainly) but she just seems so happy and care free and meanwhile I’m left spending thousands of pounds, crying millions of tears, going through all sorts of shit because of her – and that isn’t fair x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m sorry you’re having that too 😞 hats off to you though, I want mine to be miserable! I’m having to journal it out as we speak, I know there’s something about it I need to accept and then let go, buuuuuuuut I’m having an extended stay in the hate stage, ugh xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand this. My dad seems quite happy to be away for weeks at a time. He has two young grandchildren but he doesn’t seem to mind missing out. A bit like when I was a child I suppose.
    Your boyfriend is right. You are building your own life. The anger and hurt is justified though. xx

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      1. Ha thank you. My dad disappoints me a lot – and I’m used to that (although some days more than others!) but my mother is a different kettle of fish. She’s caused me a lifetime of pain and she’s out living it up constantly at parties and clubs and festivals etc covering Facebook in photos of her drinking etc and today I just saw red! Xx

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  3. It isn’t fair, that’s for sure. I always think we should get compensation from our shitty parents to pay for the years of therapy we need. Why should we be paying for it?
    I don’t think your Mother is happy though. She is chasing something she’ll never find and will increasingly allude her as she gets older. Hanging around with youngsters and acting like them isn’t a happy well-balanced adult thing to do. Because as much as you can remain carefree and love festivals and love being with friends etc when you’re older (and there’s nothing wrong with that), hanging out with 20 year olds just isn’t much of an option as a well balanced adult because honestly… no offence to 20 year olds but they talk shit. Their conversations literally hold no interest to grown adults with lots of life experience, who’ve been there, done that and who know what’s truly important in life. Why is she hanging about with kids who are just figuring out their life and who they are?
    I would imagine the answer lies in her own emotionally stunted development. She identifies with these kids cos she’s never moved out of that age herself. Yet life has a way of forcing you to confront your own aging process, she can’t stop aging, she can’t stop getting old and one day in the not to distant future she’s going to look at herself and see how pathetic she’s become and just exactly what she’s lost through her behaviour. Those 20-somethings won’t be around nursing her in old age and she’s going to have nothing.
    That isn’t your fate. You are going to have such a good life and be at such inner peace with yourself and you’ll have people around you who love you and care for you and your quality of life is going to be amazing.
    So chin up! You are doing great. You are already better than her.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your reply has just made me cry. Thank you. You are right, at the risk of offending anyone that may read this, she is pathetic for the way she acts and I’ve often thought that. My T often comments on how age-inappropriate she is. She is running away from something and half the attraction of youngsters is that they are easily controlled and easily manipulated into being her sources of narcissistic supply. It is pathetic and that’s how it makes me feel about her. The added annoyance is that she’s with my little sister and their “selfies” piss me off for several reasons. 1 because my sister is suffering with depression (on and off) and constantly complains to me that my mother doesn’t understand or try to help her and also I understand that my sister is still caught in the dynamic of trying to get my mother’s love and approval and that’s a hopeless case… I see their selfies and I guess there’s an anger at my sister for being so stupid (yet I understand too) and I guess a weird jealousy of their closeness despite the fact it’s not closeness. It’s enmeshment and it’s fake because my mother is so fickle and two faced and only using my sister……. my mother and my sister are unable to like/love everyone at once. Someone has to be good and someone bad – so when them two are like this, it’s me who is slagged off. Oh it’s all so f-ing dysfunctional and shit. Even trying to explain it makes me angry.

      I guess I just wish life had been different. That I had a different set of parents koz their both fecking useless. On that note, my dad and my brothers (and their girlfriends) are all off on holiday tomorrow for the week – without me… it’s just one of those days.

      Anyway, aside from the anger and poor me’s, you are right. My life WILL be happier even if that means I’m not sitting on my 65 year old husband’s(number 4) shoulders in a dress pissed out my face….. 🙄 xx

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      1. You are not doing a ” poor me”, you are not wanting pity, you are sad and grieving because you’ve been rejected by the very people who are supposed to protect you and love you. That isn’t a pity party, that’s legitimate emotion.
        And I totally understand the feeling of not wanting to be like them, maybe not even liking them as people… yet somehow being rejected by them still hurts a lot. We want to be wanted, even though we maybe don’t even want them! Rejection is a powerful tool that your mum has used brilliantly to manipulate your sister into staying enmeshed and everyone else in different ways.
        You are already healthier than any of them and they will sense that. And unhealthy people can’t be around healthy people. It’s like oil and water, the don’t mix. And if you can’t/won’t be manipulated into their games then they oust you… it’s actually a bit of a backhanded compliment, because their rejection of you shows just how much more healthy you are than them. I think they sense that in you, that you have an inner strength and awareness they don’t.
        But I understand that the child in you is just so hurt and wondering what is wrong with her, and why her family won’t accept her into the fold. And that is totally awful.
        It does start to hurt less with time though, so there is hope.

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      2. My boyfriend has said that for a long time now, that she’s stopped making any (even fake) effort now because she knows I am getting less easy to manipulate and she hates it – and obviously in doing so she’s actually helping me, she’s making it easier for me but yes, as much as I HATE to admit it, it’s painful koz it’s like, I haven’t done anything wrong! Why aren’t you trying! Lol!! It’s crazy making.

        She tells everyone that will listen that “I’ve changed” and that I’m manipulated by my boyfriend because he is “manipulative and controlling” which is just a huge projection of what she wants to do to me and has always done, he’s never been like that but she can’t bear that he might be good for me, that I might genuinely be happy – something she’s never been, so she blames and accuses and meanwhile I’m made to look like the bad guy and everyone feels sorry for her.

        Thank you so much for all your words, you really do get it and that’s helpful (although I wish you didn’t) x x

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      3. You’re right, it is a huge projection. Classic narcissist behaviour. But she probably equates this change in you as happening around the time he was in the picture when actually…. the change is coming from years of therapy, not your partner.
        And don’t worry too much about what she’s bleeting to others, whilst some of them might make a show of sympathy to her, some of them are probably thinking ” Good on you, TT. GTF away from her.”
        I am willing to bet there’s some (a lot) of people who actually don’t think her behaviour is okay. And they’ll see she has issues.

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      4. It is classic narcissist behaviour, she is a classic narcissist to a T. Yep, you are exactly right. She does. I had started therapy before I even met my boyfriend but I quit twice and so it’s only been the last 3 years I’ve stuck it (and I’ve been with my boyfriend 3 years) so I can see why she would equate it with me being with him – it just makes me sick that she would rather I was unhappy. It’s still all about her and her needs. Aagghhh.

        As for others, T often says that to me – that I shouldn’t worry about what other people think, but some days that is just easier to take than others, I’ve lost half my family due to her. I tell myself I am best off without them, they are all just like her, but when it starts to include my nan and my sister, it makes me furious. I hope some people do think that though, who knows. Shame they don’t say really.
        I feel so annoyed today so sorry if I’m rambling! Think I’ll write a blog and get some more venting off my chest lol xx

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      1. Vanished anger is pretty fantastic.
        I talked to my husband for a long time about it and he is really good at putting things in perspective and once they are in a good perspective I guess the anger just dissipates. At least this time!

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