Sorry for the overload of posts from me today but I am feeling rather desperate as I write this one.
I was walking home tonight playing that new song I found earlier in the week which makes me think of my T. I was smiling to myself, listening to the words very carefully. I thought to myself how weird the client/therapist relationship is because I think about T so much lately. So much that I’ve related this wonderful song to her and I highly doubt that people do that for their mothers (which is how I think I view her).
This made me think, could the way I feel about T right now be similar to that of falling in love? You know that initial honeymoon phase where you are elated and excited and they are just wonderful. Where you can’t see anything you don’t want to see. When you want to be wtih them all of the time and you are totally preocupied by them. I know I’ve been guilty in the past of being so hopelessly in love (so I thought) that I’ve managed to relate all sorts of mushy music to the way I was feeling about the boy . Yes uber cringe, I know. And I am now doing the same with T.
I was thinking about some of the words in the song which were “Once I was younger, now I am older” and I thought that this will be how I feel when I’ve finished my therapy in that I will have emotionally developed and grown – aged in that way (as well as aged in years obviously).
Somehow this thought conjured up an image in my head of the day I passed my driving test and how excited I was to tell her. That image was quickly replaced by another, which was T coming out of her office to look at the car I had brought. My first car. I had never seen T outside of that room so it felt a bit awkward, but good too. Thinking of this event now seemed so lovely, particularly when I then remembered the contrast between the way T responded and the way my mother responded. My mother “joked” that I had only passed my driving test because the instructor knew I worked in the City and so wouldn’t be on the road much. She also said that my car was a heap and turned her nose up at it. [It is a heap, but it is MY heap and that hurt].
As I had these thoughts and images and as the song played, I felt a lump in my throat. I didn’t cry, but I could have done very easily. I already knew how much I thought of her, but all of a sudden she was just vital to my existence in a bit of an excessive way. I don’t want to use the word obsession, but I’m so preoccupied by her.
What a lovely story … yeah.. until this.
So I did what any nutcase would do. I went home, sat on the toilet for a wee and decided to Google her.
I Googled her and I found her on the BACP page – I found her full name (which I had pretty much guessed anyway) and her address, which I already knew because her office is attached to her house. No harm done.
I then decided to click on the address which then told me who else lived there….. the names of a man (wahhh!!) and 2 girls – clearly her daughters (*sobs*).
My heart dropped when I saw that and I don’t know why because I already assumed she had 2 daughters. I guess there is a difference between thinking something and knowing it. The tiny shred of hope – gone.
My crazy time wasn’t up. I then went onto Facebook to look for her and for both of the girls. I found pages for them all instantly. I even had mutual friends with one of them which tells me we’re very possibly the same age. My T had commented on one of the girl’s profile photos and that made me feel shit. The comment said the photo was lovely and natural and had two kisses. I’ve never had kisses on her emails – I know, obviously. Also my T has changed her Facebook name to her first name and middle name, I assume so that she is harder to find in case one of her unhinged patients feels the need to stalk her online!
I didn’t stop here even though I felt like my heart had stopped. I was clearly distressed at this stage, why didn’t I stop?
I then found links to her husband’s Facebook page! Luckily for me his account is very private. Oh and also I saw T’s front room in one of the pictures.
What the hell is wrong with me? I feel awful. I feel guilty for snooping on T. Not only T, I may be able to reason that away, but for snooping on her children, on her husband and her private space. Eugh Jesus. I have done similar things in the past with boyfriend’s and their exes. I have done it enough to know it is a VERY BAD IDEA.
How did this escalate so quickly? From a nice song, to memories of T being wonderful to me being a spy.
What was I looking for? What did I want to find? Would it have made any difference if she had been single or had only one daughter… or maybe if she had a son as well or instead? I don’t know.
I guess if I am brutally honest then her having a son or sons would possibly be easier for me to stomach because it wouldn’t be so easy for me to compare and relate to the fact that I am one of two daughters. That I could have been one of her’s instead?
I get that searching for your T tends to be about seeking a connectio, but honestly, how much more bloody connecting do I need? I’ve seen her twice this week where it’s been all about me. I’ve had to email her a few times and one of those times was only this morning. Clearly looking at her children is about comparing myself to them.
We have spoken many times before about how I feel I dissapeer if others are involved. My mum didn’t see me because of all of the men she surrounded herself with. My Dad remarried and had 3 children and then lost contact with me and I have ended up with a man that has an ex-wife and 3 children. We have spoken about how I do not feel “held in mind” when I am not physically with people and so I think the proof of the husband and daughters feels so painful for the same reason. Third parties equals no TT.
This is one blog that I absolutely will not show or tell T about. I would rather die from the shame, guilt and embarassment first.
It’s like I’m never satisfied. I am so greedy.
Why have I done this to myself?