What have I done? 

Sorry for the overload of posts from me today but I am feeling rather desperate as I write this one.

I was walking home tonight playing that new song I found earlier in the week which makes me think of my T.  I was smiling to myself, listening to the words very carefully.  I thought to myself how weird the client/therapist relationship is because I think about T so much lately.  So much that I’ve related this wonderful song to her and I highly doubt that people do that for their mothers (which is how I think I view her).

This made me think, could the way I feel about T right now be similar to that of falling in love? You know that initial honeymoon phase where you are elated and excited and they are just wonderful.  Where you can’t see anything you don’t want to see.  When you want to be wtih them all of the time and you are totally preocupied by them.  I know I’ve been guilty in the past of being so hopelessly in love (so I thought) that I’ve managed to relate all sorts of mushy music to the way I was feeling about the boy .  Yes uber cringe, I know. And I am now doing the same with T.

I was thinking about some of the words in the song which were “Once I was younger, now I am older” and I thought that this will be how I feel when I’ve finished my therapy in that I will have emotionally developed and grown – aged in that way (as well as aged in years obviously).

Somehow this thought conjured up an image in my head of the day I passed my driving test and how excited I was to tell her.  That image was quickly replaced by another, which was T coming out of her office to look at the car I had brought. My first car.  I had never seen T outside of that room so it felt a bit awkward, but good too.  Thinking of this event now seemed so lovely, particularly when I then remembered the contrast between the way T responded and the way my mother responded. My mother “joked” that I had only passed my driving test because the instructor knew I worked in the City and so wouldn’t be on the road much.  She also said that my car was a heap and turned her nose up at it.  [It is a heap, but it is MY heap and that hurt].

As I had these thoughts and images and as the song played, I felt a lump in my throat. I didn’t cry, but I could have done very easily.  I already knew how much I thought of her, but all of a sudden she was just vital to my existence in a bit of an excessive way.  I don’t want to use the word obsession, but I’m so preoccupied by her.

What a lovely story … yeah.. until this.

So I did what any nutcase would do. I went home, sat on the toilet for a wee and decided to Google her.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????????????

I Googled her and I found her on the BACP page – I found her full name (which I had pretty much guessed anyway) and her address, which I already knew because her office is attached to her house.  No harm done.

I then decided to click on the address which then told me who else lived there….. the names of a man (wahhh!!) and 2 girls – clearly her daughters (*sobs*).

My heart dropped when I saw that and I don’t know why because I already assumed she had 2 daughters.  I guess there is a difference between thinking something and knowing it. The tiny shred of hope – gone.

My crazy time wasn’t up. I then went onto Facebook to look for her and for both of the girls. I found pages for them all instantly. I even had mutual friends with one of them which tells me we’re very possibly the same age.  My T had commented on one of the girl’s profile photos and that made me feel shit. The comment said the photo was lovely and natural and had two kisses. I’ve never had kisses on her emails – I know, obviously.   Also my T has changed her Facebook name to her first name and middle name, I assume so that she is harder to find in case one of her unhinged patients feels the need to stalk her online!

I didn’t stop here even though I felt like my heart had stopped.  I was clearly distressed at this stage, why didn’t I stop?

I then found links to her husband’s Facebook page! Luckily for me his account is very private. Oh and also I saw T’s front room in one of the pictures.

What the hell is wrong with me? I feel awful. I feel guilty for snooping on T. Not only T, I may be able to reason that away, but for snooping on her children, on her husband and her private space. Eugh Jesus.  I have done similar things in the past with boyfriend’s and their exes. I have done it enough to know it is a VERY BAD IDEA.

How did this escalate so quickly? From a nice song, to memories of T being wonderful to me being a spy.

What was I looking for? What did I want to find? Would it have made any difference if she had been single or had only one daughter… or maybe if she had a son as well or instead? I don’t know.

I guess if I am brutally honest then her having a son or sons would possibly be easier for me to stomach because it wouldn’t be so easy for me to compare and relate to the fact that I am one of two daughters. That I could have been one of her’s instead?

I get that searching for your T tends to be about seeking a connectio,  but honestly, how much more bloody connecting do I need? I’ve seen her twice this week where it’s been all about me. I’ve had to email her a few times and one of those times was only this morning. Clearly looking at her children is about comparing myself to them.

We have spoken many times before about how I feel I dissapeer if others are involved. My mum didn’t see me because of all of the men she surrounded herself with. My Dad remarried and had 3 children and then lost contact with me and I have ended up with a man that has an ex-wife and 3 children.  We have spoken about how I do not feel “held in mind” when I am not physically with people and so I think the proof of the husband and daughters feels so painful for the same reason. Third parties equals no TT.

This is one blog that I absolutely will not show or tell T about. I would rather die from the shame, guilt and embarassment first.

It’s like I’m never satisfied. I am so greedy.

Why have I done this to myself?

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34 thoughts on “What have I done? 

  1. Oh love I’ve done the same with various people, enough to know it’s not a good idea and I’ve still done it. It’s horrible to know you can’t unlearn what you now know, at the same time wanting to find more even though you know it will likely make you worse. But I guess the temptation is maybe it won’t, maybe you’ll find something that will make you feel better so temptation keeps you going for more. It’s horrible to not have all the information you want, to feel in the dark, left out, out of your control, inferior, not good enough?

    I know there is a lot of focus on T at the moment, her presence and importance in your life are significant and understandably so. But you are good enough, gaaah I can’t find the right words. I’m just sad you’re feeling this way and wish I could fix it 😞 x

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  2. This is so normal! Don’t beat yourself up about it! Your sessions are intense at the moment and it’s just normal! I bet the majority of people in therapy have done this even if they don’t admit to it. It doesn’t make you bad just curious as humans are. xx
    I am friends with my T on Facebook 👀

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yep! I think she requested me by mistake because she doesn’t totally understand it! I used to work with her sister in law so we have that connection.
        She only really posts work stuff. Her friends might tag her in the odd picture but she doesn’t post a lot of personal stuff. I’m not really exposed to her life. She doesn’t need it in her life for validation, just to promote her training courses! I don’t treat her as a friend so we’re both holding the boundaries.
        You’re really going through a tough time at the moment. We all do things in haste or a dissociative moment. xx

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  3. Been there, done that (for different reason than connection though), felt like shit. I was actually really really surprised that my T who seemed so aware of privacy issues in some respects such as having an unlisted home phone number so patients can’t find out where he lives, is so naive about his digital footprint in other ways: YouTube channel in his own name with his real photo, FB privacy settings which allow you to see and link to waaay too much about him and his family, use of the exact same profile photo across multiple sites (which allows you to find those other sites via a reverse image search). After my “search of shame” I blocked him on FB so I wouldn’t be tempted again (and I’m not likely to go back into my blocked list to change that because it is full of nasty people and I feel sick even looking at it), and I have noticed that since I explained to him how reverse image searching worked he has diversified his profile pics (god, how do I even know that?).

    I totally get wanting your T to be interested in you and show warmth and praise in a parental way. I’m tossing up at the moment whether it would be an ok use of a session to show him some of my more impressive art/craft projects – I’m telling myself that the reason is to show him a part of me other than the depressed and struggling bit, but there’s a big dose of “tell me how clever and talented and wonderful I am and that you admire and like me and that’s part of the reason you keep me on as a aptient and not just because I’m paying you”. Ouch.

    PS I love long and multiple posts! Does that mean I’m way too invested in other people’s lives? Quite possibly. But write away, as much as you need to.

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  4. Hey, you’re really good at beating yourself up aren’t you. I want to say, well done! You’ve demonstrated a wonderful healthy sense of curiosity. In doing so you’re discovering more about yourself and confronting yourself with some stuff you might want to explore some more in your sessions. You say that you won’t share this with T. Well, unless you’re extremely good at hiding stuff from yourself, I suspect that during your next session it will sit like an elephant in the back of your mind and really effect the therapeutic quality of your experience.

    Just think about your T for a minute. If she really didn’t want anyone to know this stuff about her, she is savvy enough not to put it out there on public forums. The Web is not a private space; even when people think it is. They’re teaching kids at school to hack now; it’s part of training the next generation of software engineers. Anything it is possible to know about almost anyone can be discovered on the net.

    You’re not a bad person for what you have done. You simply have a perfectly healthy curiosity about a significant individual in your life.

    One word of warning though….don’t tell T about that secret room you have with her photos all over the wall….😱😱😱😱😂😂😂😂

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    1. Oh, no? Will she be freaked out about that? 😂😂😂😂😂😂

      Thanks for your comment. I guess it is curiosity and I kinda get why that is but in terms of her being savvy enough to remove her internet trace, to be fair it’s nothing she’s put on – her Facebook isn’t even her surname! Just her first and middle name. And I found her kids because of that stupid directory thing that goes from the election polls or whatever so it isn’t that she’s got public social networking or anything.

      I’ve been doing some reading today about it all and think I have a slightly better understanding of where and why I did it and that’s helping a bit.

      As for being good at hiding stuff from myself, yes I am wonderful at it ha x

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      1. If you found stuff, then it probably means that anyone else could find it. Therefore, it’s public.

        I’ve been thinking about sharing my blog site with one or two people in my Peer counselling network…for months!? Haven’t got round to it yet. Have been questioning my motives for doing so. I’ve also asked them to work on their own motives for wanting to read it.

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  5. I’ve Googled T and found her FB and her instagram accounts. And her LinkedIn. I wasn’t going to confess but I accidentally sent a Connection Request on LinkedIn. I was very afraid that T would be angry if I confessed. I talked with her about it and she wasn’t angry. She said it makes sense I am curious about her and that she knows people can find what she puts online. I later made her a FB privacy guide so she could lock down her account even further than it already was, sigh. She let’s me view her public instagram though, but of course not her personal one.

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    1. Oh really? Thanks for sharing this, that makes me feel less like a loon. I can almost understand the want to look up the therapist but I wish I hadn’t looked up her children and husband though!!

      I’ve actually thought about blocking them all on Facebook today just to prevent myself looking x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I looked up ALL her colleagues, including my ex T. 🙂 And her parents and siblings AND friends…! On facebook and LinkedIn both.

        Me blocking them all didn’t help, because I’d unblock and go look more.

        If your T is any good, she’ll understand. 🙂 It was so so scary talking to her why I googled and dug around but very worth it in the end.

        Then some months later, I got tipsy and MESSAGED her on instagram (no out of contact was allowed) and my heart fell out my stomach again. (She realised I needed to be able to reach out to her so she allows me to msg but her boundary is she won’t reply but she’ll read when she feels like it).

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh this made me laugh out loud! Not at you of course, but it made me feel better if you know what I mean! 😂what are you like??!

        I kinda get it’s about connection and stuff but I already have out of session contact with her via email and I constantly panic I am using it too much koz the fear is that if I email too much, she will take that luxury away from me and I would feel so hurt I’m not sure I could carry on. She said she won’t do that and that she thinks I worry about being humiliated in my neediness xx

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      3. Hehe x no worries, I understood you 🙂 My T said that if I do msg her too much, we’d have a discussion on the needs fuelling it and she might set limits but not punish. Maybe ask your T what would be “too much emailing”? ❤ I dislike being needy with T too but I am because she's an attachment figure. T will understand! ❤

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      4. T has said to me a few times that I seem to put my own boundaries in about contacting her and that she understands it is through fear of being too much. She said she wouldn’t punish or take that option away. I think to myself well surely you would. What if I started emailing you 5 times a day? Lol!

        She said that the reason I email is a need for holding and connection and that I will get stronger and better at being able to hold it for myself but that it will take time. I told her that if she stopped me emailing, I genuinely think I would stop therapy altogether because I would feel so hurt but I didn’t mean that in a blackmailing sense. She understood what I meant and said I am so fearful of being humiliated in my neediness and I agreed with that…

        I guess I still don’t believe it and don’t want to risk it lol! It’s all a bit complicated. X

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      5. I like your T! It takes lots of consistent repetition to internalize and believe T 🙂 I have the same struggle too, it is a journey!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Don’t feel bad about this at all!

    What surprises me is that you’ve only done this now after so many years! I started googling my therapists few months after seeing her. I have found out about her partner kids siblings parents cousins and possible family in law. Yet I have difficulty even recalling her face in my brain. Lol. Of course I didn’t find all of this out at the same time. Everytime I searched I dug a little deeper and deeper by modifying my search. I. Have never talked to my therapist about this. Of course I did feel like a little creep doing it so I understand, but I don’t particularly feel like hurt anyone. I think it’s normal to want to know more about our therapists. Hugs.

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