Following on from last night’s blog “Am I Too Much” I plucked up the courage and sent T this email:
“I am having a big fight with myself about sending you this email because I feel I’ve contacted you between sessions a lot this week, as well as having seen you only yesterday. I’m feeling that usual panic that I’ll use up my quota and make you angry (or exhausted). I am really aware of how scared i am of my needs being too much.
The thing that is helping me to send this is that I know myself well enough to know that if I don’t ask you for some clarification on what you meant, that my critical voice may well take over and win and ruin my whole weekend needlessly. So I am bouncing between not contacting you and not wanting to beat myself up when I may have misunderstood something that could be cleared up very quickly.
This is what I wrote last night: [insert last night’s blog]”.
I pressed the send button quickly and locked my phone. I could feel the panic in my body. I was nervous now and I just hoped that she replied quickly because otherwise I would feel like this all day long.
She replied pretty quickly (thank God) and said:
“I am glad you were able to tell me your fears. What a fight you are having. I was meaning I was aware that your therapy was potentially going to be very painful, but was hoping I was wrong and you wouldn’t need to go through such pain. I was feeling for YOU. I knew that in our first session, so I had plenty of opportunity to refer you elsewhere if I thought I couldn’t manage. I have never felt that way and enjoy working with you. You are NOT too much and are wanted here.
I hope that helps for now. We will talk some more about it.
You are held with me in my mind.”
The nerves have left my body entirely and I feel better. I have replied thanking her for reassuring me… but it feels like it hasn’t totally sunk in yet which I know sounds a bit weird. My boyfriend said what a lovely reply it was and I do agree, yet it doesn’t FEEL that wonderful for some reason. Maybe inner child is being stubborn?
I have since realised that I may have implied she couldn’t handle her responsibilities as a therapist which is not what I meant and feel a bit guilty for that, but she has drummed into me enough over the years that I shouldn’t worry about her feelings so I am trying not to worry about that (fighting the automatic response).
All in all, I am glad that I took the “risk” to email her and ask her to confirm because I think I could have very easily spiralled into anger, sadness and worry this weekend. I think I am getting better at relying on her, at risking things with her and at remembering her words. I am not sure that feels safe enough with anyone else yet, but hey, progress is progress right?