Seeking clarification and reassurance

Following on from last night’s blog “Am I Too Much” I plucked up the courage and sent T this email:

“I am having a big fight with myself about sending you this email because I feel I’ve contacted you between sessions a lot this week, as well as having seen you only yesterday.  I’m feeling that usual panic that I’ll use up my quota and make you angry (or exhausted).  I am really aware of how scared i am of my needs being too much.

The thing that is helping me to send this is that I know myself well enough to know that if I don’t ask you for some clarification on what you meant, that my critical voice may well take over and win and ruin my whole weekend needlessly. So I am bouncing between not contacting you and not wanting to beat myself up when I may have misunderstood something that could be cleared up very quickly.

This is what I wrote last night: [insert last night’s blog]”.

I pressed the send button quickly and locked my phone. I could feel the panic in my body.  I was nervous now and I just hoped that she replied quickly because otherwise I would feel like this all day long.

She replied pretty quickly (thank God) and said:

“I am glad you were able to tell me your fears. What a fight you are having.  I was meaning I was aware that your therapy was potentially going to be very painful, but was hoping I was wrong and you wouldn’t need to go through such pain. I was feeling for YOU. I knew that in our first session, so I had plenty of opportunity to refer you elsewhere if I thought I couldn’t manage.  I have never felt that way and enjoy working with you. You are NOT too much and are wanted here.

I hope that helps for now. We will talk some more about it.

You are held with me in my mind.”

The nerves have left my body entirely and I feel better. I have replied thanking her for reassuring me… but it feels like it hasn’t totally sunk in yet which I know sounds a bit weird. My boyfriend said what a lovely reply it was and I do agree, yet it doesn’t FEEL that wonderful for some reason.  Maybe inner child is being stubborn?

I have since realised that I may have implied she couldn’t handle her responsibilities as a therapist which is not what I meant and feel a bit guilty for that, but she has drummed into me enough over the years that I shouldn’t worry about her feelings so I am trying not to worry about that (fighting the automatic response).

All in all, I am glad that I took the “risk” to email her and ask her to confirm because I think I could have very easily spiralled into anger, sadness and worry this weekend. I think I am getting better at relying on her, at risking things with her and at remembering her words.  I am not sure that feels safe enough with anyone else yet, but hey, progress is progress right?

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7 thoughts on “Seeking clarification and reassurance

  1. That’s so fucking awesome for you!
    I’m proud of you! Being authentic and true to ourselves is the best and bravest thing we can do! Imagine how many miscommunications could be settled if we all actually communicated honestly:) have an amazing day!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Ahhh thank you so much!!!! I am all chuffed at the proudness ha. I was scared, mainly because of how much contact I’ve made with her this week but I am so glad I took the risk. Have a lovely day and weekend too! xx

      Liked by 2 people

  2. “I have replied thanking her for reassuring me… but it feels like it hasn’t totally sunk in yet which I know sounds a bit weird.”

    This is not weird at all and I can relate to this feeling myself, when it comes to people in general sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Really? That makes me feel better, thank you for saying that. It’s like… I know it says good things and I know it should have had a really positive impact on me (and I feel fine) but it hasn’t had the impact I think it should have had on me…. Sometimes I read it numerous times and that helps but even that hasn’t.. perhaps later. x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, maybe later it will.

        For me feeling like that, I think it just comes down to because of lack of confidence and low self-esteem at times. I have had so much negativity growing up from different people, that I just don’t believe when I hear something that’s nice.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t think she would have taken your words to mean she couldn’t handle her responsibilities…your words were critical towards yourself, as though you were such a bad case that you’d need special measures of some sort, that even someone as awesome as T wouldn’t know what to do with you. That of course is not true, T is awesome, and whilst your case is bad in that there is a lot of damage to recover from, you yourself are not bad or intolerable.

    Any more thoughts on why you still weren’t quite ‘feeling’ it?

    X

    Liked by 1 person

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