Am I too much?

I was laying in bed about to go to sleep when I decided to stop trying to ignore a thought I’ve been having since my session this afternoon. 

I know this thought isn’t accurate. I know that my inner child is panicking and the more rational and logical adult is trying to tell the child that, but the two aren’t seeing eye to eye right now. 

During my session today T said something along the lines of “I was hoping I could give you a bit (of therapy) and that would help you… but I think I knew deep down it wouldn’t be that [easy or quick – can’t remember which word she used]”  I may be remembering this inaccurately, but that was the general gist. 

I know T very well. I love her, trust her and believe that she cares for me and would never be cruel or do anything to hurt me and that is helping right now. 

BUT

But I can’t ignore this voice in my head that is saying Things like 

“See, she didn’t know you would be such hard work. She had no idea what she was getting herself into… you’re even more fucked up than a professional therapist thought you were… you are so slow at this… if she had known how complex you would be, she wouldn’t have taken you on…. if she knew you would become a full time commitment she would have referred you on”…

and there is more where that came from. 

I am constantly scanning for danger. Scanning for any sign of abandonment and so I guess I’ve jumped on this comment and immediately freaked out at what she “meant” by it. 

I’m having a bit of a battle with myself and I know what I need is reassurance and clarification from T but I won’t ask for it because it’s been a very heavy week and I only saw her today so I don’t want to contact her again before my next session. 

I guess it’s triggered my “I am too much” fear. 

This is the problem with putting your therapist on a pedestal, you then cling onto every word they say and analyse the shit out of it. 

Advertisements

24 thoughts on “Am I too much?

  1. Interesting. Knowing what I do about T, I took her statement to mean that she was hoping you’d be a rare case that managed to escape that type of childhood without too much damage, and thus less therapy. Probably because you have managed life so well and I imagine for anyone who meets you face to face would have no idea what you’ve experienced because “you’re so normal”.

    I read that as a hopeful heart, hoping there wasn’t too much damage, for your sake, not for hers, because she cares about you and I imagine the feelings she contains is that she would wish this hadn’t happened to you.

    X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know this makes me sound a bit sick, but it’s almost like I was hoping she really “saw” instantly the level of pain I was in and how bad everything was for me… hearing her say she had once hoped it might not be very complex or long-term makes me feel as though she didn’t really “see” that….. does that make sense?

      You are right about that though, I do put on a good front of being very happy and bubbly and I don’t think most people would have a clue that I struggle as much as I do – that is true… but surely T saw through that?

      I am sure she truly cares for me and probably wishes I hadn’t gone through it.. only yesterday she said that she has to ground herself after some sessions and that on Tuesday she had to ground herself because she was holding her face thinking “poor TT why does she have to go through this” (or something to that effect anyway!).

      Hope you are okay love, heading to your page now to read your latest posts!! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Gosh my lovely that’s not sick at all, you just wanted to be seen! You wanted someone to notice. You shouldn’t have had to ask for help because this was an injustice against you, not some mistake you made yourself.

        It’s hard to know when T was referring to and for how long she hoped it wasn’t too bad, but you’ll be very good at hiding your pain away perhaps more than other types of trauma because that’s the requirements of the narcissist isn’t it, to supress yourself and be whatever the other person needs you to be. It would have taken you a while to trust that T was a safe place to be yourself. So she probably had her suspicions because of her training but had to wait for it to unfold.

        Oh bless her, I haven’t had that sort of reveal from Marge but I’d find it comforting and validating if she did, I’m glad T can give that to you.

        I am doing quite well this week! I’ve had another one of those positive turning points this week that I talk about in ‘The Power of Empathy’ post 😊😊😊😊 xxxx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s true, thank you for saying that. I agree now you put it that way.

        Good point re the narcissist (or as I like to call her, the bitch ha!)…. I feel as though I am only just being honest with T about the way I feel but not because I purposely wasn’t honest before, it was just all unconscious and now it is more conscious.

        She’s just replied so will write up the email exchange in a bit. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Haha I think only you can call her that! 😊 and yes apologies I didn’t mean to imply it was a conscious effort to not be honest, not at all.

        Ah glad she’s replied, are you feeling any better? Xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I was just writing a similar post and then started falling asleep. That’s how interesting it was!
    I agree with Lauren. Maybe that’s her way of expressing her feelings about what you have been through.
    You’re doing well considering you’re only two years in to therapy! You’re not too much but I am wondering the same about myself so I understand how you feel.
    Maybe adult TT could email your T and ask what she meant. Totally up to you but I know how agonising and anxiety inducing the battle between rational adult and scared child is. It’s horrible. I do agree that having a therapist is on a pedestal is probably not helpful but it’s where you are at right now. x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow really we are in sync! I have sent an email to T, about fifteen minutes ago. I am aware that it is only 9am so she might not read it or reply for a while and now I feel nervous as I wait and anticipate her response… I just hope she manages to settle me. I decided to contact her because I could feel that nothing was helping to silence that critical voice so I thought I had best to take the risk otherwise the weekend would no doubt be ruined… I just feel that contacting her again in-between sessions and having only seen her yesterday makes me feel even more too much than I was already feeling… it is a vicous circle…. we shall see.

      How do you feel today?Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ha! I hope she clarifies it for you. She seems quite good at replying fairly promptly to emails. I’m sure that she won’t mind. She has always seemed to respond positively to your out of session contact. She certainly wouldn’t want you to worry about this all weekend! Even my T would probably rather I contact her than stress about something.
        I’m okay. Didn’t have the best of sessions and just feel like a problem. I am not making the progress that I should and that maybe I will carry all of this around forever. Maybe I am just looking for criticism because being heard and validated seems too good to be true. x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Have you tried to really write this out and see where your unconscious thoughts are at? Sometimes when I am feeling like this, I just start writing totally unfiltered. You don’t have to publish it if you don’t want to, don’t worry about making sense or about spelling or anything, just write. I don’t know if it will work for you but for me it helps my mind empty out a bit and helps me to understand exactly what is going on. Just a suggestion.

        I know that frustration of feeling you are not making progress but I am sure if you look back you will realise you’ve made loads of progress, sometimes when we feel down or angry or something it is hard to see.

        Understand what you mean when you say maybe you are looking for criticism because being heard and validated seems too good to be true – perhaps you are getting a little scared that if it went wrong, it would be so painful that it is easier to mess it up now?xx

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I started writing last night but it was late so I started to fall asleep. Will come back to it tonight.
        I think I am making progress but because it wasn’t a breakthrough, emotional session it doesn’t count. I closed off a little anyway because I was late. Didn’t want to open up anything that I couldn’t deal with within 45 minutes.
        I don’t know what she is thinking and for some reason I feel the need to know. It must be negative so I need to know. Woah that makes sense. Yeah if I show my emotions I will be too much and she will leave me. It happened with a friend a few years ago. I don’t want to seem like I am questioning her abilities as a therapist by expressing that to her though. Hold back and be the together, rational client or show my emotions and risk losing her. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Bloody hell I pretty much wrote that myself the other day!! And that’s how I felt again today. I understand that feeling so well. It’s so hard. The push and pull – wanting reassurance and connection and comfort and freaking out at what could happen if you get rejected. I am starting to push against that rejection fear with T purely because I’m starting to trust she won’t leave and she won’t punish… but that’s not to say it’s easy. It isn’t. At all.

        As for questioning her abilities as a therapist, I felt like that today when I emailed my T asking if she had wanted to refer me off (koz I’m too much) and realised after sending that may sound like I think she can’t cope… but (always a but!!) she has drummed into me so much that I am not to worry about her feelings and that the reason we do that is because of how we were brought up – expecting to have to protect our caregivers from emotions and pain and anything that might upset them, at our own detriment.

        See how you feel. Maybe try writing out quotes that your adult and your child are saying – it makes it more obvious where the conflict is.

        I told t I wanted her to think of me as competent and “normal” and not always hard work and she told me that’s my fear and not her truth. She said she sees all sides of me – I don’t know if that’s comforting to you or not.

        I wish we could press a button and be through all this. Reaching out is hard to do and showing our vulnerability feels life-threatening xx

        Liked by 1 person

      5. She even said all of that herself in the session. That I want the connection with people but I am scared that they won’t like me and will reject me so I hold back.
        That’s a good idea. I was going to ask you yesterday how you identify the split between adult and child.
        I get that. I think I am done with putting a front on in sessions but I don’t want to be too much.
        I am definitely scared of showing that vulnerability and losing control. I can express all this in an email to her but she doesn’t always respond which makes me go into the anxiety ridden child who has said something wrong. I certainly won’t get the response that you got. It will be more formal. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Funny you should say that, people on here and my boyfriend have said before how lovely her replies are but they never feel it to me. I don’t know why or what I want, but for some reason they don’t give me the fuzzies like they seem to give other people!! Isn’t that weird?

        I have only recently been able to identify the split between adult and child so I am no expert but for me, the child stuff is easy to recognise as it is the stuff you might not want to say. It is the more embarrassing stuff, the stuff that makes you feel like you shouldn’t say it, the stuff you can rationalise away for example when your therapist goes on a break and you think “for god sake, another break?” that is the more child part and the adult would be thinking “she needs a break, I will be fine, it’s only a week”…..
        I don’t know if you read my golden fantasy email but I put some thoughts in speechmarks there for the child part of me vs the more adult part. T explains the difference between these parts as the adult being more thinking-based, rational and logical whereas the child is feeling-based, it is the part that carries our emotional wounds, the upset and the fears. (So the fear of being too much or rejected is the child) and the want to stop putting on a front and connect is the adult….. does that make sense?

        I say write it all out. Write out the internal conflict you have between wanting to reach out and bare your soul and the fear of being too much, of being left and humiliated (if that is your fear, it is mine!) and decide after if you want to send or not!? xx

        Like

      7. I think it’s unusual for a therapist to so openly admit to feeling a client’s feelings and about what they have experienced. She’s not doing anything wrong because she still maintains the professional boundaries but it’s a lovely thing to say. You probably can’t see it because you’re in the situation. We are outside it.
        We have that discussion in a session. I think I have been unable to separate the two recently.
        It’s better than letting it stew away inside me. I think I am worried too that if I express the vulnerability and emotions that she will experience counter transference and refer me out. I guess I am trying to protect her. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Do you mean when she said she has to ground herself? If so, she has never said anything like that before and I was shocked about that. That was nice to hear. It sounds weird, but it was nice to know it effects her in some way, despite me not wanting her to hurt at all…. such double standards ha.

        I think there seems to be a common theme that a lot of us having therapy want to protect our therapists and to me that is only more evidence of how we’ve been raised – to look after our parents’ feelings when we shouldn’t have had to do that. Only the other day T said to me that she could handle my feelings AND her feelings and I thought to myself “wow, that is too hard for anyone to do!!” when in actual fact, it isn’t, is it?

        I was only talking to someone earlier who is saying the same as us about being scared to risk the vulnerability because of the fear of being abandoned.. it is hardly surprising we feel this way. My T once told me about Winnicott’s theory of breakdown which effectively says that you only fear what you have experienced and so you are scared of repeating feelings that you have had before as a child – that makes total sense to me. We just need to push on through knowing that we are adults now and that we have many more resources and are able to look after ourselves in ways we couldn’t back then. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Yeah and ‘You are held with my in my mind’ is a definite I care about you statement. It’s what you have been needing for weeks but maybe you’re not ready to accept and believe it yet. It would probably have just as big an emotional impact as the grief. I understand. There’s a big difference between wanting empathy and someone to feel bereft with you!
        Yeah there is definitely a common theme. I hadn’t noticed how I felt until I read your post last night and thought about it this morning. But it makes sense. It probably isn’t and as much as I know my T is in good at self care, I am still worried about the being too much thing.
        Ooh I may google that later. Yeah it’s definitely my biggest fear. I guess I just need this reassurance before I let her see those emotions. We all do. It needs to feel safe. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      10. Oh that, yeah it’s a lovely thing to say but unfortunately I still don’t believe it. She’s said that to me since I’ve known her koz she knows I struggle with object constancy. She actually told me she missed me when I was on holiday (after I told her I feared she didn’t) and she said “but you don’t believe that do you?” And I had to laugh and admit that nope, I don’t!

        I’ve just written another post on it koz i found something else on it (same idea) after mentioning it to you, it’s blown my little mind!

        Yes you do, you need to feel safe xx

        Like

  3. I don’t think your needs are too much or too complex, that’s a message replayed over and over by your mother. Yes, in a way this work is complex, but your needs are actually quite simple if a therapist sees and understands that what they’re dealing with is a very hurt child and the needs of a hurt child are fairly simple; consistancy, transparency, authenticity, love, care, boundaries, safety, patience, guidance… basically everything you’d provide for any child, hurt or not.
    Your therapist seems well aware of what’s required and seems to have a really good understanding of this work.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know, that internalised critical voice is pretty nasty. At least I have reached the stage of being able to identify the conflicting voices I guess, I am not sure I used to have the adult voice going back at the critical voice so there is some progress amongst the chaos…

      I agree with all of those things that we (and children) need but it is the worry that she has to have so much out of session contact with me, has to constantly worry if she is saying something triggering, knowing I get upset so easily.. those things that make me feel I am complex you know? I worry I exhaust her I guess.

      You are right though, she clearly does have a very good understanding of everything and that is reassuring. I am very lucky that my therapist isn’t scared by anger or strong feelings – transference etc, thank God.

      Anyway I took the plunge and emailed her a little while ago, despite the fact that emailing her actually made the whole “I am too much” worry even worse!!! I an now waiting nervously in the hope she is able to settle me so the weekend isn’t a total write-off x

      Like

      1. I understand what you mean and feel when you say you worry that “she has to have” so much outside contact with you. But you say that like it’s a bad thing to her. For her it’s a really good thing because you’re now reaching out instead of hiding your feelings or worse internalising them. And it gives her a further teaching opportunity in resilience and gives her a chance to soothe you and be there for you. It isn’t a chore to her. She wants to do it. And if she gets exhausted (which is unlikely) then it’s down to her own boundaries slipping or offering something unsustainable but all that means is that you guys renegotiate the current boundaries so that both your needs are met.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. You are dealing with a very powerful inner critic and its not fair what it is saying to you.. If you are starving for a parents love its only natural you feel like you are too much. I go through this all the time. And yes, you project all of that onto the therapist. Its not a judgement want she said but it may feel like one. Having wounds doesn’t mean you are ‘fucked up”. that is harsh and cruel and that is what the critic is a force that knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing to quote Oscar Wilde and he had to deal with powerful critics. Love to you. Stay strong. Be kind and loving to your little one. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My inner critic is nasty, no doubt about that…. I am only just starting to be able to hear the conflicting voices of child/adult/inner critic etc and identifying them is certainly helping.

      You are right, it doesn’t – the adult me knows that of course but unfortunately that is how the child feels.

      I’ve reached out to her this morning and now patiently wait a response… I just pray it is good and that it calms me down otherwise I think I will be staying in this high-anxiety place all bloody weekend ha!!

      Thank you for the love. x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh its so hard the anxiety isn’t it? I think at the moment you are terrified you will blow it all apart and lose her love, the hunger you have is deep and comes from the past. Wishing and hoping you find a loving place of calm inside with a hand to hold, but knowing too how difficult that is. ❀

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s