I was laying in bed about to go to sleep when I decided to stop trying to ignore a thought I’ve been having since my session this afternoon.
I know this thought isn’t accurate. I know that my inner child is panicking and the more rational and logical adult is trying to tell the child that, but the two aren’t seeing eye to eye right now.
During my session today T said something along the lines of “I was hoping I could give you a bit (of therapy) and that would help you… but I think I knew deep down it wouldn’t be that [easy or quick – can’t remember which word she used]” I may be remembering this inaccurately, but that was the general gist.
I know T very well. I love her, trust her and believe that she cares for me and would never be cruel or do anything to hurt me and that is helping right now.
But I can’t ignore this voice in my head that is saying Things like
“See, she didn’t know you would be such hard work. She had no idea what she was getting herself into… you’re even more fucked up than a professional therapist thought you were… you are so slow at this… if she had known how complex you would be, she wouldn’t have taken you on…. if she knew you would become a full time commitment she would have referred you on”…
and there is more where that came from.
I am constantly scanning for danger. Scanning for any sign of abandonment and so I guess I’ve jumped on this comment and immediately freaked out at what she “meant” by it.
I’m having a bit of a battle with myself and I know what I need is reassurance and clarification from T but I won’t ask for it because it’s been a very heavy week and I only saw her today so I don’t want to contact her again before my next session.
I guess it’s triggered my “I am too much” fear.
This is the problem with putting your therapist on a pedestal, you then cling onto every word they say and analyse the shit out of it.