Back Tonight

Hey everyone, it feels like ages since I’ve written here but it is actually only about 10 days! My holiday has been and gone :o( doesn’t it suck how long you spend waiting for your holiday to arrive and then before you know it, it’s been and gone and you are back to reality. Sad times!

Me and my boyfriend had a lovely time, we did quite a bit of exercise on our hols, we played badminton a few times which I actually really enjoyed (shockingly), we went for lots of bike rides, went swimming, went on quad bikes (scary) and ate some delicious food in restaurants. We stayed in a beautiful woodland lodge which had floor to ceiling windows and we were completely surrounded by forest. It was heavenly. There really is something about being around nature that calms me. I felt completely at ease and very content. I kept randomly exhaling like I had been holding my breath and every time I did that, it was as though my body relaxed more and more.

It was also my birthday last Friday and I had a nice day. T didn’t text – obviously and I dealt with that okay but I won’t lie, I did keep hoping she might.  I did think of her a few times on my birthday. I wondered whether she had remembered, whether she had thought of me that day or not… I can’t shake the feeling that she didn’t, that she said she would to be nice but that she wouldn’t actually remember.  I know that sounds like I am doing her some kind of disservice or knocking her caring character and I don’t mean it like that, I guess it just feels hard to believe that she would remember me when I am gone.  Perhaps that is the fear as she would say.

Anyway, it’s just gone half past 3 and I am back there tonight at 7.30pm. It feels like it has been a really long time. I feel a little apprehensive but not hugely.  I know I will have to speak to her about my email/blog that I sent her on our last session “An Hour Is Never Enough”.  I guess I am feeling embarrassed and a bit stupid about it.

As usual, the feelings that were so huge then, have gone – so it feels hard to really remember the feelings or explain them properly. There is also that awkward feeling of not wanting to bring those horrible feelings back and yet at the same time wanting to honour them and work through them. It is a hard mix.

I know she will ask me how I am feeling now, how I felt then, what I think it was about and I think I have the rough answers – as I wrote in my blog “Transference” I have kinda figured out that the (regressed) feelings were probably transferred from my mother to T.. but still. Awks.

In other news, my boyfriend picked his kids up Saturday for the weekend and not one of them asked me if I had a nice birthday the day before. The house had cards everywhere so it isn’t like they forgot, they just decided not to say it. It has really bugged me and I keep telling myself that I am being childish and pathetic but I can’t shake the thought that it was hurtful and rude. Does anyone else agree with this or am I perhaps so annoyed because I would have been forced to make a big deal out of my mother’s bloke’s birthdays? It was Father’s Day the day after and they managed to say Happy Father’s Day to my boyfriend, and give him the card and presents that I had purchased for them (although they didn’t thank me for having done so)….  I might mention that tonight actually see what T thinks.

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12 thoughts on “Back Tonight

  1. Happy (belated) birthday! 🙂
    Your holiday sounds lovely, and the house: wonderful! 🙂
    Not sure how old your boyfriends kids are but kids are in general not thoughtful, they want elder people to think of them, not the other way around. 🙂 That’s just kids. If young kids start caring for elder people there mainly is something very wrong. 🙂 / 😦
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah you are probably right… I did wonder whether it was something to do with how I was raised as in I had to be the one caring for my mother and I had to make sure she was happy and once got very told off because i didn’t spend enough on her bf …. thanks for the birthday wishes x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Happy belated birthday! I have been thinking of you. I’m glad that you had a good holiday.
    I get what you mean about the feelings. I have had a good two days and feel quite detached. The idea of feeling those feelings again is daunting, or that they haven’t disappeared.
    Children aren’t capable of that kind of etiquette. It’s an adult thing and something they learn as they grow up with healthy relationships. The reason you gave will be why you didn’t get what you were expecting from them. You were expected to care about everyone else more than yourself.
    I hope your session goes well x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah that’s such a lovely thing to say, thank you so much.

      Yes, well I’ve just got home and I cried VERY easily so clearly although I thought I was fine but it was all there on the surface waiting for T ha…. I feel okay though, it was contained.

      Yeah I think you’re right, thank you 😊 xxx

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  3. happy birthday 🙂

    Yeah, kids can be hopeless about that sort of thing (even kids of your own, sigh) and it’s a case of gently leading by example and not trying to force anything. I had similar problems with my mother, right up until she died she would sulk for weeks if I was even a day late in ringing her to wish her happy birthday but didn’t see it as a problem if she didn’t call me at all, and one year she sent her only grandchild nothing but a fax (ha, this really ages me) on her birthday and didn’t bother following it up with a phone call or a card or present. It’s really difficult to break the pattern and to lose the resentment and feelings of loss from having had to care for your own parent, I still haven’t managed it at the age of 53, but you have a good head start with therapy and I wouldn’t give up hope.

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