An hour is never enough

Soooo… I just got home from T’s and have to write because something odd happened.

As I pulled out of her road, I felt my eyes water a bit.. I was quite surprised.  I drove home not really thinking much and then as soon as I got into my house, I bawled my eyes out like a baby.

Today was my last session until Tuesday 20th June.. not that long really is it? AND it’s because I am going away on holiday for a week. It’s not even like she’s going anywhere.

I thought I was okay about it. She even asked me at the end of my session how I was feeling about the break and I said “well it will be weird not coming here, twice“… and she said “yes, and you will be missed“.  I’ve since thought about those words, “you will be missed” – they aren’t quite the same as “I will miss you” are they? Am I being petulant? Obviously it was nice that she said something.. and hey, who knows, perhaps that is just the way she says things? Plus if she had of said “I will miss you” I think I would have burst into tears… so probably best eh?

Clearly I will miss her more than I admitted to her or to myself.  I am really painfully aware at the moment at the huge difference in the connection that I have with T compared to the… “connection” I have with my mother. Or more to the point, the connection that I haven’t had, don’t have and will never have with my mother. It just hit me like a steam train. I saw my mother at the weekend and it was suddenly so obvious.. it was empty.  It is nothingness.  I sensed a boredom from her like I used to before I became what she wanted me to be.  Now I’m not that person again and that is dull to her.

I thought to myself mid-tears, I wonder if this is what children feel like when they are going away and will miss their mothers/parents… I wonder whether adults still feel that way?  Probably not I imagine, not for a week’s holiday.  I thought how I was already looking forward to being reunited with T – and I haven’t even left yet!!! How mental is that? I also wondered whether this may have been how I felt as a child when my mother used to go away a lot without me.  Perhaps it is me remembering that feeling somehow.  It also made me think of my stepdaughter who is currently away on a school trip for a few nights and has asked if she can come to stay with us Saturday night instead of Friday night because she wanted a night at home between the trip and coming to us.  I didn’t really get that – I do now.  She wanted to spend a nice, homely evening at home with her mum first.  Ouch.

I thought that seeing her again seems so far away…  That I miss her already and it’s not even been a few hours yet. Clearly just knowing I wouldn’t be seeing her was enough.  Having said that, I had tears in my eyes last Tuesday when I left her’s and the only conscious thought had been that the hour went too fast – that it wasn’t enough. That I wished it wasn’t over yet.

I thought how nice it would be if I could see her next Friday, the day I return from my holiday and, coincidentally, my birthday. I would love to see T for my birthday.  Ha! How many people want to see their shrink for their birthday? LOL.

I thought to myself how nice it would be if our sessions weren’t time restricted. I know the reasons why they are, but ignoring all that, how nice it would be?  What if we could just chat and chat until there was a natural closing – perhaps I would talk so much that natural close wouldn’t come for hours… or at all!

How nice would it be if we could have a cup of tea together? I sometimes picture sitting on the usual sofa but with my feet up and a small blanket over me.  Perhaps wearing a really snugly, oversized cardigan.  It would be pouring with rain outside creating that lovely smug atmosphere when you are safe and warm.  We would laugh and chat and it wouldn’t be because I was paying for an hour of her time or because I was “in therapy”. We just did because we wanted to chat, we enjoyed it.  I would leave eventually feeling all warm inside and emotionally “fed”. I would fall asleep feeling happy.

Now that is obviously the fantasy and not the reality.  Unfortunately the reality is shit in comparison to that, but wonderful on its own accord – obviously.

I guess it is the sadness of knowing I won’t see her for a while mixed with the sadness that I can only have her on paid, restricted kinda borrowed time.. mixed with the slap in the face blatant comparison of her and my mother.  Of what I could have… and what I do actually have.

I drafted a text to her which tells her that I cried when I got home and admits that perhaps I’m not as fine as I first thought, but then I thought what’s the point? I mean, what can she say to make that feel any better? It’s just how it is.

It’s probably also a bit of the inner child in me mourning the loss of the mother I would have loved to have.  Just reading this back before publishing has me snotty-crying again.

I think I will go and blare out my new favourite angry song. I sing it (shout it) at times like this. It’s very much about my mother and appropriately entitled “Bloody Mother F****** Arsehole……. here’s a link if you fancy singing along in collective anger.

bus

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

23 thoughts on “An hour is never enough

  1. Hi twinkle, well, first I’d like to address something – when your therapist said, “you will be missed”, to me it seems more like a detached way of saying “I’ll miss you”, and it’s quite appropriate given that she’s your therapist.

    Overall, it’s pretty clear that you feel attached to your therapist and even normal how you feel about not being able to see her for a dozen days, how you fantasize about her, and stuff.

    As for the text, uhm I don’t remember exactly what kind of boundaries you have with T, but if you seriously feel the need to text her, why not? Therapists usually know how to handle such situations and will give you some kind of (hopefully positive) feedback. Anyways, up to you, erm lol.

    Just my 2 cents, wish you a great weekend and holiday break! xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Everything you have said is correct! I also agree with Psy. Therapist are clever at saying something in an indirect way so your T probably is saying that she will miss you.
    You’re grieving everything that you haven’t had. T may not be giving you love but she is giving you validation and a safe place to express yourself. Of course you’re going to miss that. It will also feel weird because she is there but you won’t be.
    If it’s any consolation, my next session is the 28th! xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yep and that’s where the conflict is and the pang you probably feel inside. I would perhaps explain that to your T. But crying is part of the healing although your T is concerned that it’s giving you any relief.
    It’s a regular break. 😩My sessions are once a month because she lives 40 miles away. I am really feeling it at the moment. I would really benefit from weekly sessions but she doesn’t work weekends anymore. Can’t take half a day from work every week either really. I could probably find someone closer but I don’t want to! x

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I have thought about it but it’s having to tell the story again and finding a connection that puts me off. I would settle for more out of session contact. I’m going to email her later and hope she replies tomorrow.
        Could you arrange a phone check in while you’re away? It doesn’t change the way you feel but it might get you through. I totally get where you are although maybe not to the same degree of intensity. It’s difficult to fill the hole inside where the love should be. x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Weirdly enough, I’ve felt so much better since I wrote the blog, done some ironing and emailed T. It’s passed (for now) – perhaps I have finally found some relief in crying after all?

        Could you have phone sessions with your T? I moved away for a year and that’s what we did, once a week.

        Could do I guess, but not really practical whilst I’m away with my boyfriend in a forest. I think I’ll be okay and I can always email can’t I xx

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’m 99% sure that she wouldn’t agree to phone sessions. She’s so busy and just not that kind of therapist, I don’t think. I’m getting cold feet about emailing her too. Still not comfortable with asking for help or reaching out to to her. It feels wrong.
        I’m glad that you’re feeling better. You can do this! xx

        Like

  4. Hey my lovely, you know I’ll think this is a positive step in viewing the relationship with your mum, albeit and painful one 😣.

    I’m conscious to talk about my mum here, but she is my rock in the way T is yours, and I really feel it when she goes on holiday, and I like to consider myself an adult 😉.

    Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah I do too doll. Extremely painful but hugely important and positive in another way.

      Ahh really? That’s nice to know. At least I know it’s a common feeling with that kind of attachment! Xx

      Like

  5. Hi, Twink! Oh, Boy, I get this a million billion!

    I guess it is the sadness of knowing I won’t see her for a while mixed with the sadness that I can only have her on paid, restricted kinda borrowed time.. MIXED WITH THE SLAP IN THE FACE BLATANT COMPARISON OF HER AND MY MOTHER. OF WHAT I COULD HAVE … AND WHAT I DO ACTUALLY HAVE.

    ouch. Sending you soft hugs. TS

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Its only natural to feel as you do. Having a break can trigger all sortsof painful feelings…You can only heal what you can accept and feel..your inner judge judges you a lot..its okay to miss and to need comfort empathy and support. I broke my first therapy as a reaction to a month long break..I know how hard it is. Be kind to you 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s very true. You can only heal what you accept and feel – hopefully that means I’m on my way to healing koz there’s a whole load of feeling going on lol.

      What do you mean you broke it? As in, it got messy and you had to quit? If so, that’s horrendous! You poor thing. Surely T’s should be able to cope with us reacting like this? X

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I got totally over whelmed had a huge nightnare and ended up leaving England ..It was in 2001 and I know now I was terrified so I ran. i spent the next few yearscwith no therapy sadly…aI know you wont do this but one months break left alone with no back up was too much..it was 9 years into my sobriety .You are doing really really well. Just be kind to your inner child and keep loving her. 💞

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s