Emotional Flashback/Depression 

Today is not a good day. It’s Monday 5th June and I am working from home because I asked for the day off but there were already too many people off and so this is the compromise. It’s good because it means I can hide away at home and not have to see anyone but it means I can’t sleep all day which is what I was hoping to do.

I think I’m having an emotional flashback or something. It started yesterday evening, I was in the kitchen preparing today’s lunch and chopping up all my fruit and salad as I’ve been on a diet for the last two weeks. I started to feel irritated because the salad looked rubbish and I thought I needed to get some food shopping in. I then realised we had nothing healthy in for dinner and I thought I would ask my boyfriend to pop down the shop and get some chicken and salmon etc but he didn’t want to go and I was in my pjs so I didn’t want to either.

It is so over the top but I just felt the anger taking over. I just wanted to get some healthy food in for dinner and I couldn’t – I know, very immature but there we have it.

With that, I started snapping at my boyfriend and feeling very annoyed. I realised I was starving. Having lived on only salad for two weeks had taken its toll and I was feeling very fed up. All we had in the freezer was some breaded cod fillets and chips and when I logged them in my calorie counting app, they were high (obviously) and that made it worse. I ended up laying on the sofa and sobbing. I was crying disproportionately to the whole situation and as I cried, I felt this energy coursing through my body – proper anger.. so much of it, it was making my body tense and hot and tingly.

My boyfriend came and hugged me and told me he thought this diet business was now ridiculous and said I needed to eat something and stop this strictness – he said it was making me miserable.

Fast-forward an hour or so and we sat down to watch the Manchester concert for the victims of the terrorist attack a few weeks ago and I cried continuously throughout as I imagine did lots of other people – nothing surprising about that, it was incredibly emotional after all. But it felt like a deeper sadness. It is hard to explain what I mean by that.

I didn’t sleep last night. I was in bed for about 5 hours in total but I had lots of dreams and woke up a lot. Often when this happens I convince myself I can hear noises downstairs and freak myself out which happened last night. I can’t remember any real detail of the dreams although I remember being hidden in a toilet with a baby hiding from something awful (like a terrorist attack) and when I came out, these ladies told me that a baby had died in that cubicle once and I was horrified…. until they all started laughing and told me they were joking and I felt hideously embarrassed.

I got up for work, felt awful. Sick, tired, upset and decided to ask for the day off. My boyfriend came in to where I was getting ready and I told him and he looked at me disappointingly and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I felt very sad and he kinda looked annoyed. He asked what was the reason for me being so upset and I said I wasn’t sure and he looked fed up. That made me burst into tears again. The look of disappointment felt so cutting. So painful and raw. He came back a while later and gave me a cuddle – I then sobbed like a child all over him. He didn’t have a top on and I just wanted to lay on his bare skin for ages (but I couldn’t). I felt such a sadness I don’t have the words to explain. I told him that him looking disappointed with me had hurt and he told me I “wasn’t his daughter”. He was laughing, not in a cruel way but laughing nonetheless.

He left for work about two hours ago, I’ve since cried about 10 times. I feel physically sick, very tired and weak.

I don’t know what is going on but it is bloody horrible. It feels like depression. There is so much sadness and pain. The London terrorist attacks are a large part of this I am sure, but I think there is more. I did see my mother this weekend – and my father (separately) and think perhaps that has triggered something. Nothing happened, she was okay but I wonder if is to do with that somehow. I have thought that I’m aware there is no emotional connection between us, it is very “friendship” kind of level…. surface level? There isn’t a genuine, deep and loving closeness if that makes sense? I don’t know what I am trying to say.

My boyfriend has text suggesting I do some gardening like that’s the answer to my problems and my boss just emailed telling me to “think about the good things in my life”. 

I know I can’t expect anyone to understand but it’s painful when they don’t. I feel so powerless. I’ve thought about going to the GP and asking to be signed off work but even that doesn’t feel like it will help, not really… I want this feeling to go. 

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12 thoughts on “Emotional Flashback/Depression 

  1. Don’t want to make this about me, but I can relate to how you feel. I am reluctantly on my way to work now. Thank goodness for flexitime.
    I think you will feel worse before you feel better. Therapy will bring up all the emotions you have probably buried and also grief too. It’s good to get it out but shit to feel shit and drained. Definitely some self care required today. Do what you feel like you can do. Seeing your doctor is a good idea too. A few weeks off would give you time.
    Sending love xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh no, I’m so sorry you are feeling like this too, it’s so horrible. I am sending you hugs back!! 🤗

      Yeah I think that’s it, the buried feelings are all coming out after all these years and I’m feeling the full force of that.

      I’m toying between wanting to stay home for a week and also trying to just get on with things… I can’t decide what’s healthier or better for me.

      I sometimes feel embarrassed and ashamed for becoming so weak when I get like this but it just feels like it’s not an option to be any other way…

      I worry how helpful the doctors would be and worry they will make me feel worse if they aren’t supportive ?! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah I’m falling fast and I think my T is on holiday so there’s no point texting her. Thanks for the hugs! 🤗
        You’re not weak. You definitely need to eat more though!
        See how you feel tomorrow. Whatever a doctors attitude to depression, I don’t think they can refuse to sign you off work. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Can’t they? I didn’t know that. I’ve phoned them thanks to your messages but there are no apts today. I’ve joined the cancellation list though. You never know…

        I would still reach out to your T if you need to lovely. They are usually pretty good whether they are away or not. Maybe you’re a bit like me and are scared to be vulnerable? Or maybe scared she/he won’t reply and that it would hurt more?? Xx

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      3. I wouldn’t have thought so and would hope not, but I could be wrong. I hope you hear something soon.
        I doubt that she has her phone with her. She said that she only really uses it for business so may not reply. Or she may not know what to say to me. She has never struggled in the past. I don’t want to ruin her week off. Her out of office says that she is back on Friday so I’m hoping that she will reply to my email. Yes, I am definitely scared to be vulnerable and hated myself the last time that I texted her. I have just spent over an hour on the phone at work with a ‘customer’ having a go at me. 😩
        Hope you’re resting! xx

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      4. Oh god you poor thing. I get your reasons entirely. The fear of being vulnerable is so real, I struggle with that so badly. I haven’t contacted my t today and yet I usually would. I have questioned why a few times and I know it’s because I feel embarrassed to be feeling this way… ugh it’s never ending.

        I’m still working so no rest but I am in a blanket xx

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      5. I also don’t want her to think that I am texting her because she has given me permission.
        Maybe deep down you know that you have a right to your feelings and your T will validate that. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about but I understand why you are. I also understand your reluctance to go to London. I work in Manchester and it has been a strange place to be since the bombing. xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh sweetie.. you are starting to tap into your inner child and deep pain. The way I read it the food things is a projection of what its like to be emotionally starved. Your sadness is opening up due to the progress you are making and due to the fact you are obviously between sessions. Also we are inching our way towards a full moon and I know the sensitive and wounded amongst us pick up this vibe and along with all the grief about what happened in Manchester you are being triggered. I have noticed I am dreaming intense dreams in the lead up to this full moon. Do as much as you can to take care of yourself. Wrap yourself in a cosy blanket and find some good healthy comfort food. If I lived close to you I would drop you off some soup. Take care of yourself and your inner child. Big hugs xoxo<3

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh thank you, your message made me cry (happy validated tears). Thank you for understanding. I haven’t heard about the full moon thing before, that’s very interesting!!

      “Emotionally starved” wow that hit deep. Very true. I think I was projecting something and the food was an excuse but that does make me feel something reading that..

      I wonder if I’m half starving myself these last two weeks as an attempt at control, I used to throw my food away as a child and was very underweight. These days I’m actually slightly overweight so I’ve been dieting and lost 4lbs so far, but I’ll admit that I feel hungry and a bit sick so perhaps I’m going a bit far.

      I work in London and the attacks there Saturday have terrified me too, I think triggers are all around right now.

      Thank you for the pretend soup, it sounds delicious xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh gosh I didn’t realise you were in the UK. That would be making you feel a lot of fear and with fear comes a desire to control. I can relate to struggling to control through controlling diet. Maybe you just took it to an extreme as from what you have been writing lately you have been facing very deep and huge things. Go gently with yourself, soups often help with weight loss. I could send you two recipes in fact I may even post them in a blog soon, it occurred to me to do that. Soup is very nourishing and comforting but I know you are in summer there!!! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  3. it sounds horrible i hope things are better now or that something has changed i am catching up on posts today sending you much love and lots of hugs, flashbacks are the worst especially the emotional kind!

    Liked by 1 person

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