Today the sky is blue 

It’s Saturday morning, 8.15 as I start to write this and I’ve sneaked downstairs on my own before the kids or my boyfriend are up. I’m sitting on my sofa looking out the patio doors and it’s a sunny day. Blue sky, the grass is really green, birds are flying. The fact I can notice and appreciate those things tells me I’m feeling a little better today. 

I really do hate the speed in which my emotions are changing lately, it’s so hard to keep up with. I can’t imagine how tough it must be for my boyfriend, how confusing it must be for him not knowing what girlfriend he has today. 

Looking back to yesterday’s sadness, I think it was a mixture of a delayed reaction from therapy the day before (that often happens) and the dreams about T. Those dreams clearly stirred up some really painful feelings for me. I have no doubt the dream was partly stirred up because I saw T’s daughter on Thursday, although I thought I was fine about it… clearly not. 

It’s the battle between the adult me and the child me. The adult me is currently realising the devastating effects my mother’s neglect and narc abuse had on me. It’s been horrible suddenly feeling this stuff. I often question whether I would rather not have known….. would spending the rest of my life been more or less painful if i continued to think I was the problem, or would it be more or less painful knowing my mother abused me as a child in so many different ways? Let’s not forget my father here because he could have helped to save me and chose not to. Coward. 

Anyway, this post isn’t about them….

I emailed T yesterday to tell her I wanted to send her two of my dreams. The shower one and the ones from Thursday night. The thing is, I had mentioned the shower one to her on Thursday but conveniently left out the second half of the dream (ie the bit about “a man”)…. why do I do this ? Lol!! 

But….I had emailed T last Saturday when I had my “volcano” episode and I had then seen her twice, Tuesday and Thursday AND sent her my “thank you” email so I was very aware this was yet another communication with T. That made me feel extremely needy. 

Needy” is something my mum called me growing up. “Needy” is very painful for me. It’s not just a word that passes over, it’s a worry. 

Feeling needy makes me panic. It makes me hate myself for being that way and at the same time it makes me want to cling on with all my strength because I feel like if I don’t get help/connection/something that I will die….. I know it sounds extreme but it’s a very real and raw feeling. 

So then I’m in a catch 22 position. Feel needy – risk abandonment and punishment OR die because I can’t cope alone. 

So I told T i felt this way. That I was worried about emailing her again, that I felt needy and I worried what that would mean, but I sent the dreams anyway. 

T replied being kind and said she had read the dreams and that they were painful, that we would talk about them next week. I scanned her email for signs of frustration and I don’t think there were any…. I guess I wish she had said “don’t be silly, you send as many emails as you need: I am always here”…. but obviously she didn’t… that’s the dream hey?! 

I visited my grandparents for the day and my nan got out a huge box of photos. There were pictures of me as a young child, I had never seen them. It was so weird. I have some to keep. When I got home last night, i was quiet and moody again, I took myself to bed early and cried and cried again. Not knowing exactly what I was crying for – I guess a mixture of what I’m dealing with in therapy ATM, the pain of the realisations, the dreams and what they tapped me into, the worry of being too much for T, the pain that T isn’t there as much as I wish she could be… seeing the child me and knowing how sad she was….. it all hit me again. 

I thought to myself earlier, I don’t want T to feel like a dumping ground for my bad stuff… like every time I get upset or angry I run along to T to help me, but that feels wrong. She isn’t there as a dumping ground, i don’t want her to feel like that. 

I catch myself and think this is another example of the way I’ve been “trained” as a child, worrying about her feelings (my mum’s) instead of her worrying about mine. 

T once told me to let her worry about her stuff… I guess it is all part of the worry of being too much, of burning her out, of her leaving.  Perhaps it’s a transferencial thing, seeing her as my mother – expecting her to respond in the same way. 

On a final note, I looked up some elements of my horrible dream. This is what I found for the stomach part. 


I thought that was pretty relevant!! 

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12 thoughts on “Today the sky is blue 

  1. oh poor you, you’re having a really tough time. It’s a double pronged issue isn’t it? You’re dealing with the mum stuff, the realisations of just how shit things were, but also having to battle against your attachment fears, it’s that thing of ” do I run away or towards T?” And not knowing what is too much and having being trained to ignore your own needs and to meet other people’s. It’s really hard.
    I’m glad T emailed you back and that is was reassuring. Be kind to yourself over the next few days. x

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    1. Thank you for summing that up for me so clearly, you are 100% spot on, and it’s so nice that you’ve “heard” how I am feeling. Thank you.

      The running away/towards thing is such a struggle!! I have one voice telling me she is dependable and another saying I will push her away…. what voice do you trust?

      I don’t seem able to “hold” my own stuff in between sessions and I don’t like that about myself xx

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      1. I think that’s a very normal part of therapy when the beginnings of attachment begin to show up. It’s almost like becoming alive again and suddenly there’s this rush of need and nowhere to put it! It’s terrifying because you’ve learned that needing things means abandonment. That your needs are too big and too much that the attachment figure will cave in fom it. Your mum caved in from it, but T won’t because she is responsible for her own needs and her own boundaries. It’s her job to be aware of how much she can reasonably give of herself. It might be until all this rush of need settles a bit (and that doesn’t mean it’s bad cos it isn’t) that you do need more support outside of session or extra sessions if you can.

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  2. Oh I could SO relate to this and the need to communicate with my therapist about things in between sessions, but also not wanting to look needy or frustrate her. Currently, after almost 2 years with her, she’s trying to get me to send less emails and address things more in session because I struggle to verbalize things sometimes. Ugh it’s so difficult! You’re doing great 💜

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    1. Oh god really! How is that going? My T spent a very long time (nearly 3 years) telling me that it is okay to depend and rely on her… so I’ve started too but even I know seeing her twice in one week AND emailing her 3 times is too much…. yet I couldn’t hold it myself, why is that? Gahhh I hope you are doing okay with it. I don’t know how I would feel if my T asked me to stop sending her emails I think I would be so embarrassed I would never email her ever again LOL!! X

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      1. Yeah – well it came with some other boundaries…. so she used to read my blog, but now she doesn’t. She quit reading it after one of my readers wrote some pretty horrid things about my therapist. Then, she decided that really one of my biggest issues is that I don’t verbalize things in session. She didn’t say I can’t email her anymore, but when I do, her response is usually “that will be good to address that next time I see you.” I’ve recently cut back from two sessions a week to one, so between that and cutting back communication between sessions, it’s been hard

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  3. I had the conversation with Marge about how I worried about sending her an email (I was worried about her being offended as that wouldn’t be paid time!) and she put it quite simply “it’s my choice to read it”. I find that really helpful, as she can control when she reads it, according to what works for her, which took the pressure off 😊 x

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