It’s Sunday morning. The kids are playing on the Xbox, my boyfriend is in the shower and I’m just sitting on the sofa writing this before getting showered myself.
Last night my boyfriend’s parents came over and we all watched the Eurovision Song Contest together with boyfriend’s kids. It was a nice family atmosphere which is usually something I love and something I always craved but yesterday I was in a bad place and I didn’t feel emotionally “there” really. Today we are all going bowling together and I feel a little bit the same. Kinda like I would prefer to hibernate but I can’t.
I ended up emailing T yesterday because I felt really bad. I don’t like to email her between sessions because it feels too much, like I am invading her weekend and like I should be able to cope for a few days. I fought against those feelings and sent this:
“I’m having a really tough day. I feel very angry and stroppy and yet I’ve cried so much that my heart and head both physically hurt. I don’t have any particular thought or conscious reason for this, in fact I told [boyfriend] this morning that it was because he doesn’t show me he loves me and that he isn’t committed to me and that I feel I’m just convenient to him… I know deep down that stuff isn’t true and yet it all came flying out. I know I’m trying to push him away, I even told him I didn’t want a cuddle when he asked for one which clearly I do. As soon as I said that, I burst into tears with guilt.
I have the kids and [boyfriend’s] parents coming over this evening so I will have to put it all aside then, I think there’s an element of anger about the fact they are all such a close and happy family and that makes me feel very alone – even though I’m part of it …
Anyway, I don’t know what I want or need…. I just felt I needed to and wanted to write to you”.
It sounds like you are having a rotten day. I wonder if the feelings from all we talked about this week have found a way out now – now that you have a bit of space?
The feelings you told [boyfriend] about are all part of it – not being loved enough, no commitment and feeling like a convenience – they are all about what happened as a child and how you were treated. They are the very painful feelings you are in touch with today. It’s very important that you treat yourself gently and help the child part to stop pushing away in anger so she can be helped and steadied a bit by [boyfriend]. It’s good you could reach out to me so I can do that too.
Hang in there – we will talk some more on Tuesday. I hope, for now, that my words can help ground you a bit. I certainly am thinking of you”.
Just as her reply arrived, I had snapped at my boyfriend again and told him I absolutely did not want a cuddle. He looked exasperated by this stage. I then burst into tears again and my heart physically hurt. Such a strange feeling. I then read T’s reply and felt instantly a little better, perhaps a combo of her email and the crying I was doing.
I put on a DVD and fell asleep with my boyfriend on the sofa for a while. When I woke up, I decided to clean the house and there I was cleaning the shower when something fell off the windowsill onto my head. It made me jump and it hurt and I screamed in anger. I was furious. I carried on cleaning the bath and then…. the shower came on and absolutely soaked me!!! (Please feel free to laugh at this stage) the humour is not lost on me however I erupted with rage!! It pushed me over the edge & I shouted and screamed and swore and boyfriend came running up to me where he laughed at the state of me soaked from the shower, I burst into tears (again!!).
I had so much anger in me it’s unreal, I’ve never felt anything like it. It was scary. I didn’t know what to do with it, it was leaking out all over the place and it made me feel very uncomfortable.
I emailed T back and said:
“I imagine it is from that although not having any thoughts always makes that difficult.
Thank you for your email, it did help immediately and I fell asleep. Drained from crying I think, but since then I’ve exploded twice over stupid things (including the shower coming on whilst I was cleaning the bath and totally soaking me) [boyfriend] found this rather amusing and the humour isn’t lost on me, but did seem to set off my rage again very nearly resulting in a smashed up bathroom!! I told [boyfriend] I feel like an unerupted volcano right now.
Anyway, I have one hour until everyone arrives so must go and get the house sorted”.
So, since then we had everyone over until gone midnight and now I’m getting ready for another day with everyone. I don’t feel the anger I did yesterday although wouldn’t be surprised if it’s simmering just under the surface. We shall see.
I woke up to a text message from my narc mother saying she had put money in my bank account for my stepson’s birthday… this made me exhale deeply, it sounds ungrateful but it’s never “free money” with her. It is used to get something in return. I feel indebted and she will surely tell everyone how awful I am and how she’s doing all these nice things… I replied saying thank you but the amount was too much and I would return some. She said no, use the rest for yourselves… so I said okay, thank you.
And that’s where we are. Have a nice Sunday everyone x