How Fu*ked is that?

I just have to write this down, it won’t be a proper blog, more of a note that I will try to come back to and expand on.

I realised this morning when I was in the shower that the reason I eventually told my mother about the sexual inappropriateness from her (then) boyfriend was this:

I hoped that she would finally feel sorry for me.  She would realise how hurt I have been.  She would protect me.  She would suddenly realise on a deep level that I was abused and hurt and needed love and comfort.. or something like that. Obviously that was not the case at all and it all became about her and how she felt and how she felt like a bad mother (cue everyone reassuring her).  It brought more shame on me because then I was told by her not to ever tell any of my family about this, especially my grandmother as it would, and I quote, “give her a heart attack”. I then received texts from my stepdad telling me that my mother was so upset she wasn’t eating or sleeping. Poor her.

I think this is also why I ran to her every time my dad “rejected” me. This one actually did get me some “love” because she hates my dad so much and is so keen to be seen as the “better parent” and so I guess it did work to an extent.

Basically I’ve just realised that I almost played on my dramas, my traumas, whatever you want to call them with the hope that she would come and love me.

How fu*ked up is that?

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8 thoughts on “How Fu*ked is that?

  1. We will try to get love and approval from our parents anyway we can. What you’ve done is normal within the context of the complex family dynamics that exist. I’m sorry for your experiences, you deserved better.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh 😞😞😞. I totally get it, I see why you’ve looked at it this way, but I think you might be being hard on yourself. You wouldn’t have wished for such treatment to get love from her, but as it did, I think it’s totally normal to hope that something so traumatic will make that person wake up, snap out of it, love and protect you. But I suppose that’s like the fantasy thing you talked about in your post the other day? Waiting for the real lovely person to jump out and give us that relationship we’ve been longing for. Except they rarely do. I don’t think there’s anything wrong at all in expecting and wanting a loving response from her for that. I’m so sorry it happened and more so that she, for whatever her reasons, has let you down terribly. In a strange way, that can hurt more than the abuse xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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