Yesterday was one of my brother’s birthdays. I had text in the day and wished him a good day. He said he hoped to see me soon and I asked him if he was going to this party Saturday night, he said he was and that it would be “good to see you again”. I thought at the time that it made it sound as though I was a random and not his sister but brushed it off because clearly I’m sensitive at the moment.
On my way home from work I was scrolling through social media and see a photo of my 3 brothers all dressed up in shirts etc and it hit me – of course, they will all be going out for a meal tonight to celebrate (they do this for everyone’s birthdays (well, except me).
So I text and asked when his birthday meal was going to be. No reply for about an hour and I just knew I was right. It was now. I text another brother with the same question and eventually they both replied at the same time to say yes it was tonight but that it was “last minute”. Like fuck it was.
With this is burst into tears but the tears only lasted a few seconds. Rage kicked back in. The rage I had been carrying since my session Tuesday anyway, amplified.
I phoned my friend and ranted to her about it all and when I hung up, I saw that one of the brothers had “checked in” on Facebook and tagged people in. It was my dad, stepmum, 3 brothers AND all 3 of their girlfriends too… last minute my arse and even if it was last minute, they managed to invite the others so where was my text?
Beast mode: activated.
Cute, sweet me is not so cute now. I’m full of so much anger and disappointment but I’m struggling to hold it all, I don’t know what to do with it because it’s an unfamiliar feeling for me.
T said to “bring” it to her but that doesn’t seem enough. I want to react. I want to write shitty statuses, shout, scream, punish and send angry texts and make him feel as shit as I do. But there really is no point.
I had a stern talk with myself and thought, I’m 29 in a few weeks he (dad) has never been any different, this is very much same story different day. Why am I still so hurt? You would think the pain would lessen but it doesn’t seem to be.
I decided enough is enough. I’m starting to feel like I’m keeping myself in this victim role. It’s like I just sit here and wait for the next rejection to come my way, then I cry about it and feel a bit poor me until it fades and then I wait for the next thing to happen that backs up my thought and feelings that I’m not loved by him.
Something needs to change because I am seriously through with this shit now.
I know I need to accept him for what he is. He can’t offer me what I want, he never has been able to. I need to let go of this hope that I carry around because it’s like one huge vicious circle of hope & dissapointment. Each time it bites off another piece of my self esteem.
I need to get some self respect. I need to give up on this childish fantasy of righting the wrongs. The daddy thing just isn’t going to happen for me. I need to make my peace with this, I don’t know how yet, but I know that is what’s next.
Clinging on to any tiny morsel of love is insulting and pathetic.
I have told him all the awful things that have happened to me in the hope he will see I truly need rescuing and they make no difference.
I haven’t cried since that initial moment. I’m not feeling that in touch with sadness, just anger and this weird feeling that something has shifted.
It takes 2 people to hurt someone right? The one doing the hurting and the one allowing it to repeat. I need to stop playing my part in this right now.
I’ve been caught up in this replay for years and years, never giving up hope that it will change. The evidence is clear.
I woke up feeling that something had happened. You know that feeling where you have to figure out what – is it Xmas day? A birthday? Are you going somewhere …. then I remembered what it was and I thought today is the start of a new phase for me. I don’t know how but it just is.