This has to stop ✋ 

More drama… 

Yesterday was one of my brother’s birthdays. I had text in the day and wished him a good day. He said he hoped to see me soon and I asked him if he was going to this party Saturday night, he said he was and that it would be “good to see you again”. I thought at the time that it made it sound as though I was a random and not his sister but brushed it off because clearly I’m sensitive at the moment. 

On my way home from work I was scrolling through social media and see a photo of my 3 brothers all dressed up in shirts etc and it hit me – of course, they will all be going out for a meal tonight to celebrate (they do this for everyone’s birthdays (well, except me). 

So I text and asked when his birthday meal was going to be. No reply for about an hour and I just knew I was right. It was now. I text another brother with the same question and eventually they both replied at the same time to say yes it was tonight but that it was “last minute”. Like fuck it was. 

With this is burst into tears but the tears only lasted a few seconds. Rage kicked back in. The rage I had been carrying since my session Tuesday anyway, amplified. 

I phoned my friend and ranted to her about it all and when I hung up, I saw that one of the brothers had “checked in” on Facebook and tagged people in. It was my dad, stepmum, 3 brothers AND all 3 of their girlfriends too… last minute my arse and even if it was last minute, they managed to invite the others so where was my text? 

Beast mode: activated. 

Cute, sweet me is not so cute now. I’m full of so much anger and disappointment but I’m struggling to hold it all, I don’t know what to do with it because it’s an unfamiliar feeling for me. 

T said to “bring” it to her but that doesn’t seem enough. I want to react. I want to write shitty statuses, shout, scream, punish and send angry texts and make him feel as shit as I do. But there really is no point. 

I had a stern talk with myself and thought, I’m 29 in a few weeks he (dad) has never been any different, this is very much same story different day. Why am I still so hurt? You would think the pain would lessen but it doesn’t seem to be. 

I decided enough is enough. I’m starting to feel like I’m keeping myself in this victim role. It’s like I just sit here and wait for the next rejection to come my way, then I cry about it and feel a bit poor me until it fades and then I wait for the next thing to happen that backs up my thought and feelings that I’m not loved by him. 

No more. 

Something needs to change because I am seriously through with this shit now. 

I know I need to accept him for what he is. He can’t offer me what I want, he never has been able to. I need to let go of this hope that I carry around because it’s like one huge vicious circle of hope & dissapointment. Each time it bites off another piece of my self esteem. 

I need to get some self respect. I need to give up on this childish fantasy of righting the wrongs. The daddy thing just isn’t going to happen for me. I need to make my peace with this, I don’t know how yet, but I know that is what’s next. 

Clinging on to any tiny morsel of love is insulting and pathetic. 

I have told him all the awful things that have happened to me in the hope he will see I truly need rescuing and they make no difference. 

I haven’t cried since that initial moment. I’m not feeling that in touch with sadness, just anger and this weird feeling that something has shifted. 

It takes 2 people to hurt someone right? The one doing the hurting and the one allowing it to repeat. I need to stop playing my part in this right now. 

I’ve been caught up in this replay for years and years, never giving up hope that it will change. The evidence is clear. 

I woke up feeling that something had happened. You know that feeling where you have to figure out what – is it Xmas day? A birthday? Are you going somewhere …. then I remembered what it was and I thought today is the start of a new phase for me. I don’t know how but it just is. 

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8 thoughts on “This has to stop ✋ 

  1. Family dynamics are so fucked up. I know it’s hard, but I hope you can see that this is a reflection of them and the dynamic you’ve all been brought up with and not about you as a person. It’s hard not to feel and take it personally I get that. The inner child is hurting so badly. This stuff is super painful. But you’re right about one thing, it has to stop. And not allowing them to cause you this much pain is the beginning of that. I know how tempting it is to rant and rave publicly and to shame them as pay back. But that always backfires and it doesn’t leave you in a good light either. They know you know what they did and a dignified non response to their bad behaviour says far more than a rant ever would. It also gives them space to perhaps think about the impact of their behaviour whereas shaming them even though it’s deserved just shuts them down and makes them defiant and defended.
    Your work is to keep going to therapy and process all of the feelings you have. You will find acceptance for the family situation some day and it won’t always hurt you so acutely.

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  2. Well mine certainly are. 2 completely fucking useless parents. Both cause me all sorts of pain and upset. I hate them both right now. I know logically and rationally that it isn’t about me, but I haven’t convinced myself in the feelings that that is the case yet. I have had fantasies all day of phoning, texting hm, asking him to meet me – calling him out on it all, asking him do you really want me or is it just guilt because you know you “should”?? but I know it is all one huge waste of breath and energy. I wish I could press a button and be over it all. You are right about the public shaming, I wish I was as rational as you but I already put a few memes up on twitter which one of my brothers has already “liked” so I imagine they all think I am in the wrong….. Thank god I have therapy this afternoon, I feel sick to my stomach! x

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  3. Oh my lovely, big hugs. I think this is a good step. If you do speak to your Dad at any point, I would encourage you to say what you mean, get all the ranting and name calling out of your system to those you can trust, so that you can get down to the real factual stuff that sits underneath. It’s that stuff you need a response to, you need answers, if you call him a knob and he agrees, it doesn’t really resolve anything internally you know?
    I asked my dad something like “I’m your daughter, I think I should trump the wife but clearly I don’t. You worried about her kicking off, I get that, but what are you actually concerned about? What happens if she kicks off that would be so bad?” his response… He thinks they’d have such an almighty argument, they’d get a divorce. WOW. Absolutely ridiculous, BUT that is his reality, and until he either decides that contact with me is worth the risk of divorce (because who wants to be married to someone that would make you pick between them and your own kids?!) or realises that it won’t end in divorce, there’s nothing more I can do, because I can’t change what he thinks will happen and his willingness to risk it.
    If you speak, say what you mean, ask what you want to know. Do therapy, journalling, girlfriend chats etc, dump it all out, and find what you really think and what you want to know.
    Xxx

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  4. I’ve been through something similar with my father – realising that he never has and never will be able or willing to give me the love and support that a father is supposed to was incredibly painful, but giving up on him (I’ve cut contact completely) has been immensely freeing. It’s a bit like he’s died and I can move on, instead of tormenting myself by hoping every single time that this time will be different and he’ll be there for me.

    I hope you can find that same sort of peace for yourself, whatever choices you make.

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    1. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this 😦 but good for you for making such a huge change in your life and for having enough respect and love for yourself not to accept tiny morsels of his affection when he could be arsed. See today’s blog for an update lol x

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      1. Just read that – I really should make sure I read all the posts before I comment, when I’m a bit behind.

        What was very telling for me was my father’s reaction when I told him I was cutting contact and why (my literal words were “I don’t want to play at happy families any more”). I had intended to auto-delete any emails from him so I wouldn’t have to hear any self-justification but I got his email address wrong in setting this up and got a reply anyway. He made no apologies, and no attempt whatsoever to admit that he had not been a good father, and that he had not been there when I needed him, he just said “you’re my daughter and I love you”. As if mere biology meant anything at all. The best thing ever was that I felt no emotional reaction at all to this. I just thought “Those are just words, anybody can say them, and if you really meant it you would have backed them up with action. Oh well, you had your chance.”

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