So I had my session last night and a long-lost friend turned up with me – anger. Well hello anger, it’s been a very long time! Where have you been hiding?
Further to my last post on Monday (see Pity Party), I had another disappointment last night and it happened just as I sat outside my T’s waiting for my appointment to start. I received an invitation from an uncle on my Dad’s side of the family inviting me to my cousin’s engagement party… this coming Saturday (as in like 3 days away). I thought that seemed a bit odd so text one of my brothers to ask if he was going and he replied to say that they “all were”…. I felt so gutted it was like another punch to the stomach. Yet another event my Dad hadn’t mentioned to me, another thing to feel disappointment over and obviously it hasn’t come at a good time on top of the holiday business and the stuff my mum’s saying to my family etc. I was already feeling let down and hurt and this just felt like yet another thing….. but in terms of timing, I guess it couldn’t have been much better because I walked straight into T’s room and for the very first time when she asked “how are you?” I said…
I expected her to look shocked but she actually didn’t. She just asked why. I said there were a few things – well two, my dad and then my mum.
I told T all about the holiday thing and then the party thing and I then told her about the stuff my sister had told me my mum had been saying about me and my boyfriend. I shocked myself as at one stage I swore, in fact twice I think and I just don’t do that in front of T.
I told her that I didn’t want to play the poor me card too much but felt so angry that I got such a shit deal from both parents, surely one of them could be decent?! T told me that it isn’t a “poor me” and that I am perfectly entitled to feel hurt, anger, sadness and disappointment in these things and that it really is very unfair. She apologised at one point and said how sorry she was that I had to deal with this (I wasn’t really sure how to handle that because it isn’t her fault is it?) but the thought was nice.
We went through all the details, I cried a few times but I was crying whilst being very angry. I soon developed a banging headache which tends to happen when I am angry or stressed or upset in therapy.
T said she imagines I just want to get my Dad and shake him – I said I do. I said he is just so unobtainable. I said it doesn’t matter what I do, there is no getting through to him. I ignore him – he doesn’t seem to care. I shout at him – he gets defensive and then I don’t hear from him for a long time (years). I cry to him – he gets defensive… it just doesn’t seem to make any real difference.
I said to T that what pisses me off (I actually said this, so proud!) is that he is completely unaccountable for his actions. He just cannot have a conversation with me, admit some fault and apologise – never. He just can’t do it and I get left with knowing this and having to hold it all in and then times like this it makes me feel like I’m going to explode with rage!
T said she understood and said how unfair and frustrating it was. I agreed it really was.
We then moved to my mother. I told her the things my sister told me about how she said my boyfriend is controlling and manipulative and how it is all his fault that I don’t see her etc… T laughed at this and said it was such a blatant projection. I agreed.
I said it is ridiculous, all these people in my family that all go on about how they never see me yet not one of the idiots EVER texts or phones me to see how I am – none of them EVER invite me to their house or out for lunch/dinner whatever yet I am always the bloody bad guy, how does that even work???? I said I am so fed up with it.
I said that its stupid. I am a grown woman with my own mind, I have my own car – if I wanted to go and see my mother, then I would!! I said that I told my sister this and said to her, can you blame me for not wanting to see mum? When I see her she always insults me, attacks me, upsets me, slags off my boyfriend or attacks him verbally like last time. My sister had absolutely no idea what I was referring to when I said this. I said, the row when we were last there about the baby thing? She was totally oblivious. This made me laugh because it told me that my mother clearly knew she was in the wrong because trust me, if she thought she was in the right, the whole world would have known about it!
I told my sister what had happened and she was shocked and said she wasn’t surprised.
My sister said that her and my mother had got into a huge argument and my mother had shouted “what is so bloody special about him??” (referring to my boyfriend). Apparently my sister said to my mother that she pushes people away and then once they’ve gone, she guilt trips them for not being in her life. I completely agreed with this.
I told T that I am so angry about it all but at the same time I feel like I should be “over it”. I said I am not ten years old anymore yet I feel it sometimes. I said I shouldn’t still need mummy and daddy’s approval, it is stupid. T said that I didn’t and haven’t dealt with or processed the feelings from when I was a young girl and so I need to deal with them now. She said to me, this pain you are in now as an adult, imagine how you felt as a child? It would have been just awful. I said well I don’t understand it now so I wouldn’t have had a clue then. T said well, you do understand bits of it, it is just painful. I said that I might understand elements, like for example the fact my mother is narcissistic and that she projects stuff and that she is manipulative and controlling etc… but I still don’t fully understand it, but I guess by the word understand I actually mean that I just cannot accept it… I’m not sure.
I told T that sometimes I want to line them all up – my mother, my father, my Nan, my sister and I want to just scream and scream at the all from the top of my voice!!! T said she bets that I want to kill them. I laughed.
T kept telling me that none of it is about me. I am not the reason or the cause for the way they act but I told her it is very hard to believe that because I am obviously the only common denominator. T said she thinks my father is a very weak man who just buries his head in the sand and said this is probably why my mother was able to be with him all those years ago (30 years now).
I said it hurts that my dad just forgets about my existence and T said she doesn’t think he does, but gets it feels that way. I said it does feel that way because there is absolutely no evidence whatsoever to contradict that thought. I don’t hear from him, he doesn’t maintain contact. T said he really should make more effort and I said yes he should, but I don’t want to be a chore to him, I want him to want to see and speak to me like most people do with their children! Agghh.
T said that she can’t help but wonder whether my Dad just sees my mother when he looks at me. That he can’t separate us and because my mother hurt him so much all those years ago, he can’t handle a relationship with me. She said she thinks his lack of effort and “forgetfulness” are quite passive really.
I said regarding this party Saturday that I am so pissed off about it that it makes me want to push him away and be sulky about it but that the only person that ever hurts is myself. I have thought about this sentence since my session and surprised myself that I said this – this wasn’t something I thought through, I just said it… interesting thought.
I told T that another of the things that my sister said was that now that I’ve “rekindled” things with my dad I’m suddenly seeing him “all the time” and he hasn’t been there for my entire life so that has hurt her. I mean it’s factually incorrect anyway, but what is the point?
Oh yeah and another thing was that my mother gave me some money in January when she bumped into me, boyfriend and stepkids. It is my sister’s view that if I “don’t like mum” then I shouldn’t be taking the money from her and I should be returning it. I said why should I? I don’t ask her for money, if she decides to do this once every 6 months or so, then why shouldn’t I keep it? T said if it made me feel better I should return it but I said it doesn’t. Perhaps it should, but it doesn’t. I don’t care about it and I don’t care about doing “the right thing” or whatever. She gives money because she can’t give love and so I will take it (I know this sounds very nasty but its almost a stubborn reaction on my part I guess). T said the problem is that the money comes with a price – it isn’t a gift, it’s like she then expects something in return. I said tough shit.
T said that this stuff is huge. She said it is very painful and she said that I needed to be able to feel this stuff, to think things and not shut myself down for “feeling sorry for myself”.
T said it is all “very fucked up” and I agreed. It truly is.
T said that she can understand how some daughters of narcissists end up going completely no contact and I agreed. I said to her, if that ever happens for me it will be as a result of this guilt making because the guilt used to make me feel awful but now it is wearing thin and the guilt making is the cause of this anger I am feeling.
I am so fucking fed up of being everyone’s poxy scapegoat. I have had enough of it. They can all go and fuck themselves.